Aug 072009

Jollies RiderThe Jollies / Chavez Dezignz Rider is an unusual beast. Part lump of silicone, part vibrator, it is meant to nestle inside the vagina and quietly, secretly, stimulate. While it may look as unassuming as a river rock, it is actually quite large, at 4.5″ long and 1.75″ in diameter. It comes with a one-speed silver (not purple) watch battery bullet with a long string and bead attached to it; this bullet goes into a hole in the end of the Rider.

For my first experience with the Rider, I thought I’d try it without the bullet. Huge mistake. After much lube and much shoving, I was able to secure the Rider just past my pubic bone where it felt semi-comfortable (it still felt like it needed to be pushed a little, but it would not go further). I walked around for a bit feeling unimpressed by the sensation of a chunk of silicone hanging out in my vagina. Then I went to pull the Rider out. I shoved a finger in the bullet hole and… wait a second, there was no way for me to grasp any other part of this thing. It was lodged too far in, and with too much lube. After several failed attempts at pulling Rider out while on my back, I sounded a distress call on Twitter: “MY VAGINA IS CLOGGED.”

After the world giggled at my misfortune, many followers and friends offered me ideas about how I could extract the Rider. My options were as follows:

  • Tweezers, pliers, etc.
  • Plunger.
  • Say “beetlejuice” out loud three times until Michael Keaton comes to remove it.
  • Push, preferably while yelling “hee! ho!”
  • Duct tape.
  • Vacuum.
  • Stick a finger in my ass and push it out from there.
  • Orgasm it out.
  • Leave it there for my gyno to find. Surprise!

In the end (although I was entirely prepared to go to more extreme measures, and although I inexplicably wanted to try the duct tape idea), I found myself squatting over the toilet, a finger shoved in the hole for the bullet, my thumbnail digging into the silicone. Pulling for dear life. And finally, my efforts were rewarded and the Rider slid out, now with a fresh fingernail indentation in its squishy body. The world rejoiced, and so did my semi-distressed vagina.

I needed to use the Rider the way it was meant to be used, with bullet in. Knowing that watch battery bullets are slippery fellows, I tried the Rider twice with different bullet positions. First I tried it with the bullet’s head hanging out of the silicone a bit. Problem with this? Well, it vibrated my labia more than anything else, and I definitely would not be able to put up with that kind of vibration for more than five minutes.

So I tried it with the bullet nestled completely inside the hole. And that was the most positive experience of all, though not without its own issues. The vibrations carried throughout the silicone, which felt good, but I could also feel the Rider lightly irritating my cervix (a 4.5″ toy pushed past my pubic bone is pretty long). It wasn’t horrible, but it didn’t blow my mind.

Thankfully, both times, the string was sufficient for pulling the Rider out of my vagina, so there were no more vagina cloggings. The problem came after the Rider was out of my vagina and I had to remove the bullet. The suction created by the silicone had a chokehold on the bullet, and even my best efforts pulling on the string could not get it to budge. I handed it to my boyfriend. He pulled on the string with considerable strength, and out popped… the bullet’s cap, with the watch batteries spewing all over the floor.

We had to use a pair of pliers to extract the rest of the bullet, which also popped out forcefully. After that, every time I put batteries in the bullet chamber, the thing starts vibrating on its own. My boyfriend is not convinced that this is a result of plier abuse, but I see no other reason for it, since it was working fine prior to “the incident.”

So I have to concede that there is really no way to use this toy without some complication. If you use it without the bullet, you’ll spend years getting it out. If you use it with the bullet hanging out, it will vibrate your labia. If you use it with the bullet pushed in, you will spend years pulling it out, and will possibly break the bullet.

The Rider is really a quite innovative toy, and it has a lot of potential. The shape, which is molded after the inside of a vagina, is great — but it’s too long for my particular vagina, and very thick as well. If it were a bit smaller, with an internal (rechargeable?!) vibration system and a silicone string permanently attached to its body for removal, it would be a fabulous device. Instead, I have to file the Rider under “good idea, bad execution.”

[This toy is no longer available because the manufacturer, Chavez Dezignz, has ceased production for the time being. They might return to toy-making eventually — I’ll let you know.]

  • I thought this was a strangely shaped toy

  • While I can’t say my experiences fared much better, they were different. I’ll go into it more in my own review in a few weeks, but I will say this for now: I think my cunt might be cavernous.

  • @Lilly: LOL, ooh, I’m intrigued.

  • Great review; informative AND hilarious! I remember that night on Twitter… ohhhhh boy. 😀

  • Val

    Ummm . . . . . we’ll leave the Rider alone. Thanks for (another) great review!

  • Backseat Boohoo

    I’m also interested in reading Lilly’s review now, too! I know this makes me an evil bitch, but your clogged vagina was comedy gold.

  • @Backseat Boohoo: Hahaha, don’t worry, I got a kick out of it myself. It was fun freaking out on Twitter.

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  • Luze

    I guess I must give better instructions on how to use the rider as I and many wonderful reviews have really loved the Rider….. lol…

    We wondered when made how to get it out and originally we did have a string that was attached so that it was easier to “pull” out… this was said to be a bad idea as it could contribute to bacterial growth…. okkkkkk… before then, it was stand in the shower and “pee” it out…. and it worked… but we didn’t like that… So we found the bullet with the string…

    To pull the bullet out it’s a lot easier to pull back on the top of the rider and work it back and forth to get it out… yes… pulling will break the bullet….

    It was created as an addition to getting oral sex… so if your boyfriend likes giving and you have the rider inserted….. !”!”!!”!” fireworks”!!””!”

    We have been told some people have worn it to work,,,,, shopping… and even dancing…. sooo I guess, it’s a try – try toy????

    Thanks for the review !!!

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  • Selective Sensualist

    I’m very, very curious about this, but it might be too long for me, too. I hate my cervix being poked. If I try it, I definitely will not be using it sans bullet because getting things stuck in my vagina is definitely not my idea of a good time. (This happened to me the one time I tried my Diva Cup — a traumatic experience it was and even my husband had a hard time removing it after I enlisted his help!)

  • Liz

    I’ve read this review a couple times and all I keep coming back to is “The Blob.” Dear lord. It seems like Jollies did a bit better with the molded vagina form in the Jollet, yeah?

  • Bri

    The Rider sounds like a terrifying, frustrating, and slightly amusing (because it didn’t happen to me personally) experience. I will definitely pass on it. Thanks for continuing in after this experience. I honestly would have problems feeling comfortable inserting similar toys after that experience.

  • Crystalline

    I don’t mean to laugh at your misfortune, but: “semi-distressed vagina,” bwa-haha! Agh, what a nightmare. Thankfully, you (or we females, rather) have the comfort of knowing there’s nowhere for it to go. I’ve experienced the betrayal of my own suction before, and therefore the hilarity of compiling solutions.

    Nixing the Rider!

  • Charlotte

    I like the suggestions of leaving it there for your gyno to find! And saying beetlejuice three times!

  • TJtheMadHatter

    It looks like a silicone potato. I would be panicking a bit, if that were to happen to me. I probably would have gotten a piece of twine, and shoved it through the bullet hole, to pull it out. “MY VAGINA IS CLOGGED”…truly an epic tweet. No way around it. I honestly don’t know how you’d top it outside of Emergency Room.

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