Oct 122009

[There are two newer Sqweels now! Read my reviews of the Sqweel 2 and Sqweel Go.]

SqweelThe only clue I had to the Lovehoney Sqweel was a cryptic yet enticing website with a swirly icon on it. But the icon reminded me of a shortbread cookie and the accompanying slogan was “A Revolution in Orgasms,” so I couldn’t resist the mystery product — even if I knew nothing about it. I can’t turn down a revolution.

My puzzlement upon opening the Sqweel should demonstrate to you that this toy is quite unique. I mean, usually I understand a toy immediately. But I looked at the black, clam-shaped thing with confusion, until I finally realized I needed to open it. Then I saw the tongues. Ooh. It was one of those why didn’t I think of that? moments. A series of soft tongues that spin! Genius! But my excitement quickly dissolved into one question: does it work?

And the answer to that question is far less glowing than my first impression.

First, the specs: the Sqweel is 4″ in diameter on its circular portion, 4 1/2″ in diameter including the three-speed switch on the protruding end. It takes 3 AAAs, which are included in the adorable trapezoid-shaped box. The Sqweel’s black case is made of plastic and coated in rubber, and it comes apart in two places. The top comes off to expose the 1″ wide TPR1 tongues for sexy time (and cover them up when sexy time is not imminent); the side unscrews so the wheel of tongues can be popped out and cleaned. Pretty cool, except for if you get lube or pubic hairs inside the case itself… because that part is riddled with nooks and crannies.

But the real problems occur in use. First, I have to charge the Sqweel with Obstruction of My Vagina. Its largeness dominates my vulva when I use it, making it impossible (and I don’t use that term lightly) to use a dildo or anything else in my vagina simultaneously. This is a pretty major offense that, even by itself, is hard to forgive. I want access to my vagina! My unhealthy collection of dildos wants access! I have far too many toys to just use one to get off!

And getting off is a problem too. Primarily, the tongues can’t reach my clit unless I spread my labia and hold them open. Now, I’ve tried a lot of toys, and never once has a clitoral stimulator had this much trouble even accessing my clit. To make matters worse, the tongue wheel stops moving when pressure is applied to it. This happens on all three speeds, but is the worst on the first two speeds. In effect, I can’t just shove the Sqweel between my labia and say “go!”, because the tongues will stop moving. The only solution is to hold my labia open and try to relax… and ignore the fact that I’m holding my labia open.

It feels interesting, and definitely unique. Sqweel is much-touted as an “oral sex simulator,” but… a series of silicone tongues flapping over one’s clit does not feel like oral sex. It just feels like an attack of silicone tongues. I like the sensation, but I can’t really get off on it. Especially since I get sick of holding my labia open after about, oh, 30 seconds of doing so.

The Sqweel also makes a high-pitched mechanical sound that is not very pleasing to the ear.

In the end, the slogan “a revolution in orgasms” should be more like “a revolution in innovation.” The Sqweel’s design won Lovehoney’s Design a Sex Toy competition, which explains why the general design and theory behind the toy is brilliant. But to really excel as a clitoral stimulator, the Sqweel would need to shrink by 50%, have more power, and not sound like a kid’s mechanical toy.

Obviously, these dreams are far too lofty. So the Sqweel remains an innovative toy, but not a very practical one. Except when you go to store it and it becomes a sleek black clam. That’s pretty cool.

Thank you, Lovehoney!

See Epiphora's favorite toys and get 15% off at Lovehoney!

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  1. Adriana did a flame test on the tongues and determined that they aren’t 100% silicone, so they’re probably TPR, which is somewhat porous. []
  • carnivalesq

    roflroflrofl. Attack of Silicone Tongues!!

    Like a really bad horror flick.

    I imagine it in those grainy pulp fiction novel cover images.

    Run awaaaaaay!

  • Jake Holden

    Thats exactly what I thought, a fantastic example of innovation – but not necessarily a God-like toy. Thanks for the link to my post too.

    LoveHoney often bring out updates to their own brand toys so improvements could be in the pipeline eventually.

  • I really like oral sex. Like… I would give up penetration forever if I could have oral sex every day for the rest of my life. And it does not feel like an attack of silicone tongues. We shall see soon I suppose. Thanks for the great review.

  • I giggled for a good 30 seconds about your Vagina Obstruction charge and link, having experienced the same injustice myself. We’ve got to codify some kind of citation for this!

    Given the design, noise, and need to spread ’em that you describe with this toy, I have a feeling that’s really all it would make me do. But thanks for the giggles!

  • @EmilyC: Hahaha, I aim to please!

  • Lmfao! I’m still trying to pick myself up off the floor. I would suggest trying out the Lick O Lot A Puss (sp.?) in conjunction with this.

  • Wilhelmina

    @carnivalesq: lol, i had the same reaction. attack of the silicone tongues!!

    yeah, if someone finally comes up with a toy that can successfully simulate oral sex, i will promptly figure out how to obtain one, and then lock myself in my room for a good few days…

  • Toygirl

    I sort of feel like if this hadn’t been produced with so much pomp, circumstance, and secrecy, it would have been featured here: http://yourproductsucks.wordpress.com/. It’s just seems sort of goofy-looking to me.

  • Submissive_D

    EEEK!!! That thing ain’t sexy…it’s TERRIFYING!!!! What were they THINKING???

    ROTFLMAO!!! I have to remember this one- my friends and I often have “who can find the weirdest/scariest/craziest sex toy” competitions.

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  • Holy shit that is a hell of a noise! I expected it to sound kind of like a fan.
    that thing sounds louder than the Hitachi!

  • @earthquakepixie: Nooo, it’s not as loud as the Hitachi. It’s just a different type of sound.

  • Too bad! It looks like a good idea, I would certainly have tried it if not for this review…oh well! Maybe someone will someday come out with something better? My little pocket rocket POS does the same thing, stops with pressure…it really makes getting off kinda super hard. o_o

  • Jake Holden

    @earthquakepixie: My video is a little misleading as the camera’s microphone was so close to the moving parts. It’s actually a little bit less loud, but there’s still definite noise.

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  • lovesickrobot

    I’ve been morbidly fascinated with this since I first saw it. It’s intriguing but so creepy.

  • Selective Sensualist

    Loved this review! I wondered about the effectiveness of the revolving, “lapping” tongues and had always thought they would probably come to a halt with pressure. This would definitely not work for me. Maybe the creator(s) will eventually be able to put your suggestions into effect somehow!

  • Liz

    Every time I see a picture of this toy, I have a flashback to Blowjob Girl: “No… no, that is the opposite of what is good.” It just… it doesn’t look nice at all, it looks like a bunch of silicone tongues flapping against my clit. DNW.

    Thank goodness for people like you who tell it like it is.

  • Bri

    Those tongues look more like flower petals to me…Hopefully they will re-design and improve this.

  • Crystalline

    First time I saw this I thought of that Japanese game show where a dude ended up being repeatedly hit in the face by a rubber strip attached to a spinning stick.

    LOL, the consistent angle and material probably make for a more pleasurable experience, but I imagine it’d tickle me more than anything. And from what I hear in the video, it’s way too loud.

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