Mar 212011
 

The .GIFs did me in. The mesmerizing, neverending .GIFs. I stared at them in a trance, focusing my attention on the PS-spot (perineal sponge), thinking of what it would be like to discover something else as amazing as my G-spot. The .GIFs promised so much glorious stimulation. I wanted it all!

And then suddenly the Split Dildo was on my desk, and oh dear god, I had to put that thing inside of me.

It came all the way from Russia. It came in a flimsy red box. Inside, there was nothing save for the toy sealed inside the thinnest of plastic bags. Out of the package, the dildo smelled like tires. It did not have a manual or instructions of any sort. Of all toys, THIS ONE NEEDS AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL. Come on now.

The Split Dildo is made of very firm silicone. It’s 5″ insertable. When it stands at attention, the space between the prongs is about 3 1/2″. Now’s the hard part — the diameter. Well, if I hold the prongs together as tightly as I can, the diameter is 1.6″. But these prongs will stop at nothing to fling themselves apart, so you’re probably looking at at least 2″ once this wily thing is inserted.

Each time I use the Split Dildo, things are the same. I lube it up, then try to insert it by grasping its middle. Failure. I have to hold the very tips, yes, where all the lube is, somehow holding them together in a bundle, then finagle them for decades as they slip out of my fingers and refuse to fit in my vagina. I keep trying to shove half the dildo into my perineum. Oof.

When it’s finally inserted, my hands are caked in lube. But for fear of having to go through all of that again, I wipe them on a towel and continue on my way. Soon, the lube becomes gummy on my hands and starts sticking to whichever clit toy I’m using. As the rage bubbles up in me, I purposefully avoid taking a drink of water from the glass on my desk.

Positioned as it should be, with one prong curving toward my G-spot and the other toward my perineal sponge, the lower prong feels wrong. Awkward. Uncomfortable. At times, painful. Any G-spot stimulation that is taking place is negated by this sensation.

I try thrusting with it about halfway in, trying to hit my G-spot more accurately. Since the prongs are actively opening up, it feels like too much is happening, and not in a good way. I try thrusting deeper, but then the G-spot stimulation lessens and the perineal sponge discomfort sets in.

I try turning it sideways, so the prongs are curving toward my legs. The discomfort fizzles, but then there is no G-spot stimulation and it feels basically like a silicone speculum.

I try twirling it in a circle and, expectedly, it feels fuckin’ weird. I have visions of umbrellas. Not good visions.

Normally I remove and re-insert dildos as I use them, but I can’t do that with this one. It must stay cemented inside me eternally. (Or that’s how it feels.)

When I remove it — since the prongs want to spring apart always and forever — it feels a bit like pulling my insides out.

Then, the aftermath. Whilst holding the gooey Split Dildo in one hand, I attempt to remove my headphones, accidentally wrapping the cords around my head. I lumber over to the sink1 with the headphones still attached, rinsing the dildo and putting it on the counter. I wash my hands and finally remove my headphones. I ravenously eat a cup of orange Jell-O. Then I ask myself, “how many more times do I need to test that thing before I can write my review?”

I have done a lot of experimenting to make sure that I really do hate this toy. I’ve warmed myself up with large dildos before using the Split Dildo — this seems to have little effect. I’ve tried putting a condom on the Split Dildo, which brings the prongs together (although not completely) and solves the discomfort issue — but then the toy feels very boring.

I’ve even tried to “find” my perineal sponge (I refuse to call it the PS-spot…) with other toys, using straight toys that curve at the tip, like the Talula. All I got was residual G-spot stimulation that made me want to turn the dildo around and get the real G-spot stimulation. It’s noteworthy, though, that none of these toys caused discomfort when used upside-down.

Really, using the Split Dildo just made me miss things. It made me miss using toys that don’t hurt; it made me miss being able to easily insert and remove toys without drowning in lube; and it made me miss using good G-spot toys. At the end of one testing session, I busted out Randy, and gushed when I came. It was one of those yes, that moments. And the funny thing is, Randy hurts too, but it’s a stretching pain that goes away — not a constant and weird discomfort that never ends.

Don’t be wooed by the .GIF-induced promise of magical, world-altering dual stimulation. I’ve learned my lesson: if a toy looks like a 90% chance of ouch and 10% chance of blowing your mind… well, that’s sucky odds.

  1. For anyone highly confused by this, I masturbate at my desk in the living room, near the kitchen. []
  • Jesper

    Uhh… That doesn’t sound very promising :/ We have one for review underway as well… Was kind’a looking forward to it too.

  • Bri

    Dang, I fell for .GIF’s too…had higher hopes. I internally giggled at a lot of things in this review but I actually laughed out loud at the silicone speculum comment. Hilarious.

  • Dang. I had hopes for this one! But I suppose something like that is too good to be true.

    Probably the only way this dildo would work for anyone is if it was custom made…

  • I’ve seen the split dildo gif before, and it always makes me squirm in pain. You’re braver than most of us for trying out that toy!

  • I’m so glad I’m not the only one that had issues with this thing. I’m not so glad that you had to suffer through it like I did. On that note, it’s products like this that make me believe women should be the only people making intimate accessories (since they can try them and see if they’re actually getting the feeling they’re hoping for)

    Thanks for writing such a kick ass review…I’m off to get some Jell-O.

  • Navigator

    Wow, that sucks. I can only see this working if they downsize it by a LOT. Even then, I don’t know what the point would be, honestly.

    And to me, that GIF always looked painful. I mean, seriously, look at what’s going on up by her cervix. OUCH.

  • lovesickrobot

    That thing is definitely Satan’s penis.

  • pnkanilpolish

    Omg when I first saw this I wanted it soooo bad. Now I am deathly afraid of it ha

  • I was skeptical when I saw it and now I know, it’s the work of the Debil.

  • LucyLemonade

    Just looking at the gif makes me wince in pain, this is one of those toys that if I received it by surprise I would refuse to try it. You are much more courageous than me! I’d been waiting for this review since you mentioned the toy on twitter.

  • Wendy

    My boyfriend wandered over to see what I was hooting about, looked at the .GIF, and wandered off bemusedly. A few minutes later, he piped up, “You know what that reminds me of? The Octodog.”

    Yeah.

  • If that gif were words, it would be this:

    Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

  • Conrad

    I entered a different design into the Lovehoney contest, thank you @Kara_Sutra, but I do have a suggestion to make this easier. A) Make it slimmer, and B) drill a hole down the center and attach a pull cord to the ends, through the hole, add a loop for easy grip. It would make it easier for couples play, not necessarily easier for solo play. It would probably still hurt though. No getting around that. Maybe they could add a vibrating base to it, something to distract from the internal jabbing.

  • Selective Sensualist

    Well, this is bitterly disappointing! The .GIFs conspired to do me in, too, because I was so excited about eventually trying this. Sorry it was such a fail (and a painful one at that).

  • OOf – thank you for bravely going where I don’t want to…I was curious about bringing this thing aboard…I think I shall skip it.

  • True Pleasures

    I had seen another review of the Split Dildo by PrettyPowerTools and was surprised that she actually liked the darn thing. I really can’t imagine how it could be comfortable to use. She even made a suggestion to “twist it around for the crazy helicopter orgasm”. Paired with your visions of umbrellas, which I can’t get out of my head now, this toy just freaks me out. Horrifying images… *shudders*

  • I think what happened here is that some guy in Russia happened upon a box of spare parts in an old Soviet factory and said, “I bet I could sell these on the Internet, but first I need to figure out what I could sell them as.” And thus the split dildo was born. Be thankful you don’t have instructions–god only knows what it was actually meant to do.

  • Jeepers. That’s fucking terrifying. Excuse me while I go console my vagina, which is gibbering in terror over the very concept of that horrific toy. (and while I find my ass, because I seem to have laughed it off again…)

  • radd678

    Is it just me, or does the body in that gif look like a beluga head? Just saying…. DISTURBING

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  • PrettyPowerTools

    That’s crazy! I love this thing. But then again, I’m one for different sensations that are out of the ordinary. 😉

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  • Kisses and Kinks

    Well, this is highly disappointing. I wanted this dildo so bad and I hoped that one day I’d get the chance to review it. I’m torn. Part of me can’t believe that it’s really that bad, but another part of me felt the ps-spot was dubious to say the very least.

  • Mandie

    I’ve been reading your reviews all morning and have gotten a good laugh! I’m certainly not new to toys (and I’d consider myself advanced), but this thing seems out of this world. Wow, you are braver than I am! All I can think about when I look at the ‘Vagina Splitter’ is my poor cervix and the abuse it would suffer too. Ouch indeed!

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  • Charlotte

    The gif does not look like a vagina at all. 🙁

  • TJtheMadHatter

    It looks like a split hot dog. Props to your vagina, seriously. It’s kind of like a fucked off speculum, it just needs a hole drilled into the base. I’m curious about this P-spot you speak of. I think I know it, I think I do it, I think I love it.

    Btw, the visuals you give are awesome. I always feel like a perverted fly on the wall, watching you deal with these things. lol

  • Jayson Jierdon

    Thats crazy. Check out my video and you will never need a dildo! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E83ytbPV5B8

  • Lacuna

    What’s the PS-Spot? Don’t think I’ve heard about that one. Googling helps, but would like to see your take on a non-hot-dog-toy targeting it. 🙂

  • The rare times I have used a dildo upside-down, it has just felt like G-spot stimulation from the curve. I got nothin’.

  • shiloh

    weirdly enough, this sounds like the sort of toy i’d probably find appealing. also, if nothing else, i have to thank you for this review because i had literally never heard the term PS-Spot before–and apparently with good reason, yeesh, i got four hits on google and then it started showing me stuff about airports? what?–but it gave me an “oh, THAT’S what that is!” moment. G-Spot stimulation’s never done anything for me, but it’s good to know the PS-Spot is a Thing and not just my imagination. huh! learn something new every day.

  • Guest

    Alright I need to know, does your coffee cup warmer actually work?

  • FredKitten

    Alright, I need to know. Does your coffee cup warmer actually work?

  • YES. I’ve been hopelessly addicted to them since, like, high school.

  • FredKitten

    I even buy my -coffee- supplies based off you.

  • flootzavut

    I feel terribly mean, but I about pmsl reading this. And that thing looks terrifying…