Mar 212011
 

The .GIFs did me in. The mesmerizing, neverending .GIFs. I stared at them in a trance, focusing my attention on the PS-spot (perineal sponge), thinking of what it would be like to discover something else as amazing as my G-spot. The .GIFs promised so much glorious stimulation. I wanted it all!

And then suddenly the Split Dildo was on my desk, and oh dear god, I had to put that thing inside of me.

It came all the way from Russia. It came in a flimsy red box. Inside, there was nothing save for the toy sealed inside the thinnest of plastic bags. Out of the package, the dildo smelled like tires. It did not have a manual or instructions of any sort. Of all toys, THIS ONE NEEDS AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL. Come on now.

The Split Dildo is made of very firm silicone. It’s 5″ insertable. When it stands at attention, the space between the prongs is about 3 1/2″. Now’s the hard part — the diameter. Well, if I hold the prongs together as tightly as I can, the diameter is 1.6″. But these prongs will stop at nothing to fling themselves apart, so you’re probably looking at at least 2″ once this wily thing is inserted.

Each time I use the Split Dildo, things are the same. I lube it up, then try to insert it by grasping its middle. Failure. I have to hold the very tips, yes, where all the lube is, somehow holding them together in a bundle, then finagle them for decades as they slip out of my fingers and refuse to fit in my vagina. I keep trying to shove half the dildo into my perineum. Oof.

When it’s finally inserted, my hands are caked in lube. But for fear of having to go through all of that again, I wipe them on a towel and continue on my way. Soon, the lube becomes gummy on my hands and starts sticking to whichever clit toy I’m using. As the rage bubbles up in me, I purposefully avoid taking a drink of water from the glass on my desk.

Positioned as it should be, with one prong curving toward my G-spot and the other toward my perineal sponge, the lower prong feels wrong. Awkward. Uncomfortable. At times, painful. Any G-spot stimulation that is taking place is negated by this sensation.

I try thrusting with it about halfway in, trying to hit my G-spot more accurately. Since the prongs are actively opening up, it feels like too much is happening, and not in a good way. I try thrusting deeper, but then the G-spot stimulation lessens and the perineal sponge discomfort sets in.

I try turning it sideways, so the prongs are curving toward my legs. The discomfort fizzles, but then there is no G-spot stimulation and it feels basically like a silicone speculum.

I try twirling it in a circle and, expectedly, it feels fuckin’ weird. I have visions of umbrellas. Not good visions.

Normally I remove and re-insert dildos as I use them, but I can’t do that with this one. It must stay cemented inside me eternally. (Or that’s how it feels.)

When I remove it — since the prongs want to spring apart always and forever — it feels a bit like pulling my insides out.

Then, the aftermath. Whilst holding the gooey Split Dildo in one hand, I attempt to remove my headphones, accidentally wrapping the cords around my head. I lumber over to the sink1 with the headphones still attached, rinsing the dildo and putting it on the counter. I wash my hands and finally remove my headphones. I ravenously eat a cup of orange Jell-O. Then I ask myself, “how many more times do I need to test that thing before I can write my review?”

I have done a lot of experimenting to make sure that I really do hate this toy. I’ve warmed myself up with large dildos before using the Split Dildo — this seems to have little effect. I’ve tried putting a condom on the Split Dildo, which brings the prongs together (although not completely) and solves the discomfort issue — but then the toy feels very boring.

I’ve even tried to “find” my perineal sponge (I refuse to call it the PS-spot…) with other toys, using straight toys that curve at the tip, like the Talula. All I got was residual G-spot stimulation that made me want to turn the dildo around and get the real G-spot stimulation. It’s noteworthy, though, that none of these toys caused discomfort when used upside-down.

Really, using the Split Dildo just made me miss things. It made me miss using toys that don’t hurt; it made me miss being able to easily insert and remove toys without drowning in lube; and it made me miss using good G-spot toys. At the end of one testing session, I busted out Randy, and gushed when I came. It was one of those yes, that moments. And the funny thing is, Randy hurts too, but it’s a stretching pain that goes away — not a constant and weird discomfort that never ends.

Don’t be wooed by the .GIF-induced promise of magical, world-altering dual stimulation. I’ve learned my lesson: if a toy looks like a 90% chance of ouch and 10% chance of blowing your mind… well, that’s sucky odds.

  1. For anyone highly confused by this, I masturbate at my desk in the living room, near the kitchen. []
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