Apr 272011
 

Outside the theater, most people are hipsters. Most people are smoking. But the people that stand out are the ones holding a purple inflated Alien Love Doll. They are there to promote their film, which involves a threesome in a strip club (two humans, one Alien Love Doll). Meanwhile, some mangy dude is asking if he can buy a cigarette from anyone, and the unmistakable ((and inexplicable)) tune of the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” plays across the street in some club.

Inside, the air is thick and smells pleasant, like popcorn with a hint of old building. The balcony is the only place with seats left, so we squeeze in there and pick up the ballots and 3D glasses from our seats.

Before the films begin, we are informed that any person with a phone in their hand during the show will have that phone confiscated — and never given back. Also, “no Rocky Horror bullshit”; we are free to gasp, cry, and put our heads in our hands, but verbally belittling anyone for anything is prohibited. Let’s hope these audience members are not also fans of The Room.

Strangely, jacking off is not explicitly prohibited. We stare awkwardly at our ballots while we wait for the films to begin.

There is a stop-motion film featuring saran wrap as female ejaculate and a pearl necklace as male ejaculate.

There is a spin on the pizza delivery trope, this time with a delivery of coffee beans which find their way into the sex. (My boyfriend votes for this one for “best sex.” What is he trying to tell me?)

There is a high heel in the Alien Love Doll’s mouth.

There is the creepiest motherfucking cartoon known to man, involving clowns with gigantic penises. In grotesque detail. We spend this couple of minutes in hysteria, unable to look away, wondering if this makes us bad people.

There are some guys having a semen-chugging contest. The dude next to me visibly cringes.

There is a chick playing pinball and moaning, “fuck me while I play,” while, on the other side of the room, a creeper watches and eats cereal.

There is the phrase “I’m gonna shit in your car” used during sex. I refuse to elaborate.

There is a hot gay interpretation of Mad Men.

There is a claymation film of neon-colored, indistinct creatures fucking each other in various orifices. Watching this, I feel both delighted and repulsed. Mostly delighted. Actually, it’s kind-of soothing.

There are a couple of pretty terrible films. One is the 3D glasses one. Hipsters should not make amateur porn.

And finally, there is a woman squirting on a picture of Jesus. She then finds a dude to cheat on Jesus with, and confesses, “I might get punished later… eternally.” There is urethral sounding with the cross on a rosary. (I vote for this one for “best kink.” The barrage of religious references is laudable.)

When it’s all over, everyone claps, the lights come on, we fill out our ballots, and we hit the road. As we walk to the car, my boyfriend and I discuss how we expected to see more actual fucking, but I can tell he is secretly relieved.

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