Oct 312012

[There’s a newer and smaller Sqweel now! Read my review of the Sqweel Go.]

Lovehoney didn’t have to talk me into reviewing the Sqweel 2. I’m not sure why. You’d think, after experiencing the vulva hog and noisemaker that was the original Sqweel, I’d be done with that flappity flap shit. But maybe enough time has passed that the previous wound healed? Or at least sufficiently scabbed over?

This new-‘n’-improved Sqweel comes in a cardboard box and plastic clam shell combo which, of course, boasts it as “THE WORLD’S BEST-SELLING ORAL SEX TOY” (emphasis always theirs), and the back lists all the improvements. If they’d been entirely truthful in why this Sqweel is better than the old one, the packaging would’ve read: Tongues don’t stop quite as easily mid-use due to 30% more power! No longer made of a porous material! Gunk will not get stuck in the inner crevices as much! Marginally less annoying on the ears!

Lovehoney also sent me a bottle of Tracey Cox Supersex Love Lube and a package of 4 AAAs. One of those things I appreciated. The other made me seethe because it contains glycerin and parabens. Anyway…

Things that are the same: number of tongues (10, just like your boyfriend), shape and size of tongues, the wretched mechanical sound it makes (although the Sqweel 2 is not as high-pitched), the price, the fact that it takes 3 AAAs (ugh).

Things that are different in the Sqweel 2: the tongues are made of silicone instead of TPR, there are three modes and three speeds rather than just three speeds, the case is glossy rather than matte, the case is bulkier and it’s easier to dis- and re-assemble. By its very nature, the Sqweel will never be easy to clean, but at least there are fewer inner crevices for my vaginal juices to inhabit.

Which one of these things makes the most difference? The silicone used for the tongues. They are now firmer, so they feel more intense. HOWEVER! I cannot say this enough times: the Sqweel does not feel like oral sex. No sex toy feels like oral sex. Sex toys ARE NOT HUMAN TONGUES! I almost wanted to use multiple exclamation points there. That’s how passionate I feel about this issue. I considered breaking the laws of grammar.

I was approximately 60 pounds heavier when I reviewed the original Sqweel, and I have to conclude that my outer labia were fleshier then. Because back then, I had to hold open my labia for the Sqweel to access my clit — and now I don’t. However, the design of the Sqweel 2’s case, coupled with the firmer silicone, mean I don’t have to press it into my body nearly as much as I did with the original.

And you know, I do like this silly device. It is strange and abnormal and unlike anything else. It’s flapping and ridiculous and yes, pleasurable. Very pleasurable, at times, when enough lube is used and I’m holding it just right. But it has many caveats.

Like, yeah, I hope you have a lube dispenser next to your bed because that is what the Sqweel requires. And even when I think I’ve wasted enough lube for the tongues to slide sufficiently, the Sqweel still PULLS OUT MY PUBES. It legit feels like one wrong turn and I’ve got my hand stuck in a shredder. (Oh god, I saw the most horrible episode of I Survived about that once.) During one particular session, the Sqweel was grabbing my pubes so frequently that I actually turned it off, reached for my scissors, and snipped my pubes right then and there. Of course, that still didn’t completely solve it.

There’s also the fact that the “30% more power” thing is pretty misleading. And this is annoying to explain, so I apologize. The original Sqweel’s first setting is tortuously slow and stupid, so the first setting on the Sqweel 2 is comparable to the second setting on the original. The weird thing, though, is that the third setting on the original Sqweel is actually faster than the third setting on the Sqweel 2 — but feels more intense because of the firmness of the tongues.

I prefer these faster settings, but some people miss the tortuously slow setting. I can also come very easily with the Sqweel 2, whereas others can’t come at all. There is a lot of variance in Sqweel experiences.

The “flicker mode” is what I was most intrigued by. This “to-and-fro” motion, as the manual so quaintly calls it, has the potential to make the Sqweel more like oral sex than it ever was (which is to say, not much at all). But there’s a problem: there’s a span of time in between the back and the forth. It’s probably less than half a second, but I mean, what is this? Is this supposed to get me off or what? Why should there be a pause, no matter how miniscule? Not to mention it feels like something is uncomfortably manipulating my clit. No, sir, I don’t like it.

And still, the Sqweel is a vulva hog. It’s really a quite presumptuous toy, assuming all I need is its whirling tongues to be satisfied. But my vagina craves fullness and thrusting. It craves dildos. And using dildos with the Sqweel 2 is a fucking chore and a half. This may be the single biggest deterrent to me when considering using this toy. Well, that and the thought of having to clean it.

I guess some things about the Sqweel will never change. Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall. I have to remember its good quirks — like telling drunken stories its unique sensation — and accept that the rest will not change. Which is frustrating, because Obama is a badass… and the Sqweel could really be something great if it would just realize that.

Thank you, Lovehoney!

See Epiphora's favorite toys and get 15% off at Lovehoney!

See all my favorite toys at Lovehoney and get 15% off your order!

  • I was truly shocked that I liked the Sqweel 2. From reading reviews of the original Sqweel, I assumed I would hate it. The only issue I have with it is that I need a little more pressure during my orgasm and this toy can never deliver. As a foreplay/build-up toy, though, it’s lovely.

    Also, thanks for making me picture my boyfriend with 10 tongues. Yikes.

  • I aim to please.

  • RM

    “Just like my Obama-hating cousin, the Sqweel is set in its ways and cannot be persuaded to become smaller, rechargeable, and less of a pube-eater, no matter how many times I post improvement tips on its Facebook wall.”

    That made me spit out my omelet and SHRIEK. Epi y you so funnnyyyy

  • So often I get customers in looking for something to simulate oral sex because (they lean close to whisper to me) their partners are just no good at it. They briefly look at the Sqweel, set it back down, and decide to rent an oral-sex instructional DVD instead. That and the fact that we’ve marked the damn thing down so far, and have an employee incentive to sell it, and it STILL collects dust on our shelf, kinda says something. More often than not, the Sqweel ends up being the source of giggling, snickering, and finger-pointing stares, but never ever does someone come in looking to buy it.

  • Ones

    This sounds like the way i feel about the Cobra Libre…except at least that one is easier to clean. Sure, it get’s me off, sometimes wonderfully…but it’s just not worth it.

  • Also- thank you many times over for mentioning pubes. Power to the pubes.

  • nuala macmoragh

    Yeah I’m too lazy for this bit of possible fun. I’m big on baby wipes, and lugging the stuff over to the sink the next day. I can see this landing under my bed after one use, and then finding it months later with corroded batteries, covered in lint, dust and cat fur.

  • You say it eat pubes? Nopenopenopenopenopenope.

  • Gregory

    I am aware and familiar with other sex toys but this sqweel seems new to me. Are you giving away some free stuffs here? I just stumbled your site while checking out some high class sydney escort

  • Gregory

    I am aware and familiar with other sex toys but this sqweel seems new
    to me. Are you giving away some free stuffs here? I just stumbled your
    site while checking out some high class sydney escort

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  • He@Aroused Duo

    Ah the Sqweel 2. At first this was one of those toys that I purchased as a surprise for She@ (my wife) which looked like a classic guy-buy. A “guy-buy” is our way of describing a toy that the (usually) guy buys thinking that it looks great, or because it he gets caught up in the technology (It has so many modes and buttons). It’s a guy-buy because I regret to say; most of us guys do not consider thinking about much less asking our partner “how would this feel?” At any rate the Sqweel 2 arrived, we inserted the small gang of batteries, laughed at the sight of all the pink tongues chasing each other around and around, and ran to the bedroom.

    Having read the reviews (yours was the first), we armed ourselves with a bottle of Sliquid and I took the wheel er sqweel to let She@ focus. To be blunt, it was a comedic disaster. I read that you need to use a lot of lube, which I did and promptly created a Sliquid geyser. The tongues spun, throwing lube up in the air. I couldn’t find the right angle or pressure so She@ tried to take over but there was so much lube the Sqweel popped out of her hand, under my legs and quickly became an anal toy. By the time I had dismantled it, washed it, reassembled it, and got back to bed our little experiment was at an end. But like all good experiments we learned something. The next night we tried it again and this time it went much better. We worked together: She@ drove and I manned a favorite dildo. She@ said that the it took a while because she had to get used to the new and different feeling of the toy, but in the end it got her enthusiastic seal of approval.

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  • Angela

    It’s now smaller and rechargable. But it still eats pubes 🙁

  • Old But Hard

    Easy solution to the pube eating problem. Shave them off.

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