Jun 112013

This is the 500th post on this here blog. I felt like it needed some sort of commemoration, so I spent far too much time assembling a hokey 500 made up of sex toys. Shut up.

I feel like this is important, though. Bloggers — perhaps more so sex bloggers — change with the seasons. Sex blogs are constantly dropping dead. From when I started in 2008, there are only a small handful of my friends still blogging (shout-out to AdrianaLilly, and Kara Sutra!). To some, 500 posts may sound like child’s play. But to me, a freak for whom every post is a carefully-crafted piece of writing, it is an accomplishment.

Here’s a little breakdown of those 500 posts:

258 have been reviews.
97 have been categorized as “banter,” a term I stole from Tegan & Sara. My favorite sub-category is probably “Disingenuous Assholes.”
52 have been giveaways.
25 have been Hell Yes and Um, No.
16 have been Jack-off Journals.
7 have been April Fool’s jokes.
The rest have been guides, lists, Ask Piphs, Pornfails, PPGs, and other miscellany.

I’ve chronicled the evolution of my toybox from one small toybox all the way to plastic drawers. Obvs, I’ve grown as a sexual being throughout the course of this blog, from someone who could barely handle a finger-sized vibrator to a badass who ejaculates, has dual orgasms, and can fit anything in her vagina.

I’ve enjoyed taking down mansplainers, unethical sex toy companies, disturbing porn directors, pompous “authors,” and even random people who write articles about vibrators yet know nothing about vibrators. Also, “a touch of whimsy.” I’ll never get over it.

And I can finally say that all the sex toy reviews that are rightfully mine have been added to my archives here, flawed as they are. So if you go to 2007, you’ll see reviews from before the blog actually began. Weird, but worth it. That shit is mine.

There have been creepers and a bit of drama along the way, but it has dissipated over time, and I’ve learned how to better cope with haters (disengage, block, and forget they exist). I’ve made many more friends than enemies; I’ve even made friends with my enemies, as I quickly found that Laura is a lovable curmudgeon.

Blogging is funny. Everything is learned as you go along. True, I already knew how to write, and I knew enough CSS to survive. But a lot of it was blindly feeling my way through the dark. Evidence: my first blog post is just about the worst thing ever. Thankfully, this thing happens when you do something over and over: you improve. You stop sucking. You become, even, almost good.

Last January, I crunched the numbers and realized I was making enough money from this blog to live on — an accomplishment I never set out to achieve. But now, as the years and posts go by, the more steadfastly I cling to this blog of mine. My own little piece of the internet where all my passions collide. That something so enjoyable can also be profit-generating is a fucking triumph… and the income enables me to continue doing it, and doing it well.

Which brings me to you. (You knew this was coming, right? If I can’t be mushy now, WHEN CAN I?) You, peeps, are my reason for all of this. The success of this blog has allowed me to do something I love. Few people get such a privilege. I imagined one day I’d find myself confined to a tiny cubicle, soullessly typing into a spreadsheet, staring down the barrel of the rest of my life. Instead I am in my pajamas, at my big desk, knocking cats away 24/7, tidying up my spreadsheet of all the sex toys I own. And typing into this box, always. This comforting, freeing little box. I much prefer this life.

Oh jeez. I am getting far too sentimental now. Better stop before I tarnish my image completely. So I will leave you with some questions, peeps: when and how did you find my blog? Why did you stay? What can I do better in the next 500 posts?

(And since I’ve been around the block enough times to know that people are gonna ask: the 5 is crafted from a Tantus Meteorite, We-Vibe Tango, NobEssence Dare, Wake-Up Vibe, and Doc Johnson Reflections Serenity wand. The first 0 is a Whipspider Tentacle, Inside Out Spiral Rib Double Dong, Fun Factory Smartballs, and NobEssence Linger. The second zero is an njoy Pure Wand, Jollies Bubbles, LELO Gigi, and Leaf Life.)

  • SeptimusReviews

    500! Congrats!

    Oh geez, I have no idea how I found your blog, only that my and my guy have both been reading it for a few years now. It helped us get into sex toys. (a typical text from him: “Hey, did you read Ephiphora’s newest post about the…?”)

    Your blog was my inspiration for getting into reviewing (and toy collecting…), and I can’t thank you enough for all the awesome that you provide!

    Looking forward to the next 500!

  • I found your blog when I was planning to buy my first official non-toxic toy. I just learned about reviews on the internet, and I figured why wouldn’t there be any reviews for sex toys? So I started looking, and stumbled on Dangerous Lilly’s site. Not long after that, got onto yours, and was stuck on it for as long as I can remember.

    Your blog posts are entertaining, funny, and just about everything I love reading. I read your blog as if it was the most entertaining book I ever had. I remember when I just found out about your blog, I would read post by post and hours would pass by without me noticing. It was better than watching a movie ;). Had chips, chocolate, and coke.

    For the next 500 posts to come, I’d love to see you continuing what you are doing. And what can you do better? I really don’t know. You are already more than better.

  • Congratulations, love!

    I have no idea of how I found you but I remember putting you on a list of “sexy twitter accounts to follow” and debating doing it because I was a little scared of you.

    Then I realized I should never buy toys without seeing what you had to say about them first- I’ve since started advising others to do the same. Lately I’ve realized I should probably not make major changes to my site without seeing what you have to say about them first.

    I frequently reference you as “the BEST sex toy reviewer out there” Keep doing what you’re doing. Also, live-tweet more porn with me:-)

  • Congratulations!

    For what it’s worth, half my toy collection was bought on your review/recommendations and I am very happy with them all.

  • thattoychick

    You long ago became, and firmly remain, one of my favorite bloggers in our world. So much love to ya – happy 500, and DildoGods willing, here’s to 500 more, my delightfully sex-snarky friend.

    *raises a wang-shaped glass in your direction*

  • I neurotically research everything before jumping in and so, on some purchases I always scan the internet for reviews. When I stumbled into sextoyland I did what I always do. And I googled “sex toy reviews” and what do ya know… I found you on the first page. Congrats on that, btw. I stick around because I admire your writing style. I’m really not sure about what you could improve on. I’m just now embarking on this sex toy reviewing journey myself but I’d just say, keep doing what you’re doing. It’s obviously working. Or, as I like to say: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

  • Glumbumble

    As one person already said, when I discovered your blog I pretty much read it like a good book, cover to cover. And I enjoyed it thoroughly, and yes I did waste my entire day reading it. Maybe two, actually.

    I only discovered your blog a month or so ago and I think I came to it from one of your reviews on the EF site. I liked your honesty and I figured you could be trusted to write bad and good reviews without any sugar and fluff, so I decided to click on your website. Since then I’ve bought the Mona 2, which I never would have considered before because I’m still afraid of internal dildos/vibrators, but when you said how good of a clit vibe it was as well, I figured I’d be better spending that kind of money on a toy that could potentially find my G Spot, and until then make me feel good on the outside.

    You’re the best reviewer I’ve come across so far, and from the looks of it, probably the best I’ll ever come across. So keep up the good work, and I look forward to more toy reviews from you and your jack off journals which I find particularly entertaining. I also love reading the banter you have going between your boyfriend and you, I find it humorous to read because I can relate so much ^_^

    Congratulations on reaching 500, and here’s to 500+ more.

  • Congratulations – 500 is an awesome number (and I love the 500 you made, too).

    I had to go and look up how many posts I’d done after that, and was appalled to see how high my number was – I’m nearly up to 4 digits!


  • Ken F.

    Someone linked me here because I was complaining elsewhere about being unable to find buttplugs that weren’t black. Then I dove through a ton of reviews and I’ve been here ever since.

  • marymarteau

    Since you asked….I found you after googling for reviews of James Deen’s cock. With that one review you made me laugh, cry, and come to Jesus with the fact that I never needed to own this dildo. I do not buy any toys now that you have not reviewed first.

  • nuala macmoragh

    I found you through the Eroscillator web site. Your review convinced me to buy one, and it gets so much use that it only has 2 speeds now, not that I care, as all the speeds are bliss. As I started to buy more toys, I found your reviews to be consistently reliable, and I read your blog even if I don’t care much about the topic, because I usually get a good laugh. There are very few things that I’ve bought upon your review that haven’t given me a mind blowing orgasm. As far as I am concerned, you are the authoritay on sex toys.

  • Oddkin

    I stumbled on your blog after reading Dangerous Lilly’s interview with you. When she mentioned the gargantuan amount of toys you own and have reviewed I figured your blog would be a good source of information. Holy shit was it ever! And it still is 🙂 and that concludes why I kept reading.

    And a brilliantly snarky but always honest sense of humour.

  • Chloe Smith

    Oh well deenme linked your jack off diaries when you were referencing James Deen who we love and adore as he is a modern day sex god. I stayed because I am too broke to buy a good sex toy atm but when I do I can check out your reviews for the perfect one.

  • arb

    As part of a long time married couple (30+ years). I was running a search about lelo toys and found you. I come back to read you because:

    A. you are always honest about your toys that you review

    B. You always take the time to answer a neophyte’s questions about sex toys and lubes.

    C. You are a snarky woman and I like finding like minded people:)

    Congrats on the 500th post.

  • Kim Vande Walle

    Congratulations Epiphora! On to 500 more posts 🙂

  • Adriana

    I guess I found you at EF. I stayed because you’re honest and made me feel like less of a bitch. I come back because our opinions differ just enough that I’m always curious what you have to say. Perhaps more ponies next time around?

  • I cannot explain how relieved I am that I was able to talk you out of wasting your money on that dildo. GOAL MET.

  • I’m not surprised by that. You’re a legend!

  • True story: I use the Mona 2 clitorally far more than I use it internally. I’ve stop subscribing to the “clit toys must be small” philosophy, and it is freeing!

  • That, my friend, is worth a lot.

  • Shadowed Seductress

    Like many others here, I found your blog when I was looking for reviews on toys. I was new to them and I always research stuff before I buy it. You’re a big reason I’ve never stuck a jelly toy into my vagina. My vagina is eternally grateful for that, by the way.

    I’ve stuck around for more than one reason. One, your site is attractive and when I was new it didn’t scare me off. Two, you’re just hilarious. heyepiphora.com keeps me laughing. I often laugh out loud with my boyfriend in the room with me, and when I tell him I’m reading one of your posts he makes me read it out loud to him. He enjoys you as well. Your reviews are trustworthy and I never feel like you are sugar coating anything. I love that you’re brutally honest. You’re extremely approachable and I’ve never had trouble getting a response from you.

    As for what you can change? Nothing really. I do wish you posted a little more often, but that’s only because I could read a new post from you everyday and not get tired of it.

    You’ve been an inspiration and have provided some seriously awesome advice when it comes to writing reviews and starting my own site.

  • Congrats!

    I found your blog through EF’s forum. Randomly, I had seen the banning post surface. I then clicked through your profile and landed here. I didn’t really stay until all the shit with EF’s reviews went down hill and I started paying more attention to bloggers.

    I stayed because of your snark. No one is like you are. And I love it.

    Just keep being you and the next 500 will be grand!

  • Congratulations Epiphora you are one kick ass woman! One that I look up to and admire for your strength of character and ability to call shit for what it is. You are the sex toy superhero slaying hyped up PR marketing propaganda and keeping citizens safe from crappy toys (u get the picture – sorry words aren’t working for me lately)

    I think I discovered you shortly after starting my blog when the infamous banning occurred and I hung about as you are quite Epic and your reviews are always entertaining – no one else reviews like you. I guess that is why you are so adored.

    Awesome work on the first 500, I’m looking forward to the next 500!

  • Karen B

    Wow! 500 is a big accomplishment. I am a big fan of you. I realize your posts take a while to craft. I remember finding you on EF forever ago and then much later reading about how you were able to pay the bills with your site. You were the first one who made me notice James Deen. Making me a fan. Thanks for what you do. You really inspire me.

  • Stabbin Robots

    You’re welcome. I mean, congrats. And thanks.

    I forget how I stumbled across your blog. Probably, I was looking for some sort of review, or possibly saw you linked from another blog. I can’t remember.

    Three of your toys in the 500 are topping my wishlist. Like, at the very top. Drool.

  • Deviant

    Congratulations! I found your site while looking for reviews on Google. I stayed because you’re honest and you opened my eyes to toys made of things other than jelly crap. The site I was buying everything from at the time seemed to only publish positive reviews, tsk.

  • Skade

    Psst Epiphora any chance you’ll ever review bullets vibes? xD

  • Like what? I review small clitoral vibes all the time.

  • Skade

    Oh sorry then.

  • Seeing everything you’ve achieved and how you’ve grown – as a writer and sex toy crazed snark monster (I mean that lovingly!) – makes me so unbelievably proud of you. You’re a force to be reckoned with and a true game changer! Here’s to your next 500, may your ass and vag be filled with only the best things this world has to offer. *wink*

  • Jules

    I’m a bit late to the party but eh, what the hell.

    I can’t remember how I landed here but I had most definitely never read a dildo-reviews blog before (didn’t even know that existed). But the one thing that made me stick around was that you write HONEST reviews. And the occasional snark is the icing on the cake. Actually critical and witty reviews are so rare in any domain that you could be reviewing cement products and I’d still be reading your blog avidly.

    It’s only later on that I got the bonuses of discovering that dildos are awesome, that my vagina is awesome, that masturbation is awesome, that sex-positive porn is awesome, etc, etc.

  • Jack Hunter

    Five hundred posts is inspirational…Ive got a long way to go before I reach that number! Well done 🙂

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