Oct 162013

Five is a good, solid number. And it is now the number of years I have been stuffing things in my vagina for the internet’s entertainment writing this blog!

Never one to disappoint, I am following up my usual epic blogiversary giveaway each October with a giveaway even more epic. The number of prizes has been steadily rising each year, and this year it rests at a hefty 18. You guys! This is getting out of control! Here’s a taste of the smorgasbord:

Massive sex toy giveaway prizes!

As always, I am only giving away toys I’ve tried and loved (except the Shilo Pack and Play and Fleshlight). I wrangled a range of items: vibrators, dildos, butt plugs, a sleeve, a packer, a harness, and even a $150 gift certificate, so there is bound to be something that calls your name. About half the prizes are also open to my lovely international readers!

Here’s how to enter. Scroll through the list, ogle the photos, and decide which toy you want to enter for (yes, you have to choose just one — pick the one you want the most!). Make sure it can be shipped to your country. Write down its name if you are prone to forgetfulness. Then fill out the Rafflecopter form at the bottom and cross yer fingers.

Big hugs to the companies that donated: LELOSheVibeLovehoneyTantusWe-VibeFleshlightVixen CreationsCrystal DelightsBabelandNobEssenceSmitten KittenEarly to Bed, and Good Vibrations. Thank you all for being awesome!

This giveaway ends on Tuesday, November 5th at 11:59 pm PST.

Open to everyone / international readers

LELO Mona 2!

The LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO. And knowing my supreme love for this toy, LELO was super generous and donated TWO. There will be TWO winners of this incredible toy, and you’ll get to choose your color. This is basically the vibrator of the decade. Versatile as fuck, with a range of vibrations that could suit almost anyone.

Open to international readers!

Jopen Comet G Wand

The Jopen Comet G Wand, donated by SheVibe. This silicone-dipped glass dildo is disgustingly good at G-spotting. The drag of the silicone is perfection for replicating the “come hither” motion that G-spots love. One of the best new toys I’ve tried this year.

Open to readers in the U.S., UK, Canada, and Australia!

njoy Pure Plugs

The njoy Pure Plug, in your choice of size, donated by Lovehoney. The weight and shape of this plug is unprecedented, as is the ergonomic base. Stainless steel is officially THE BEST anal toy material around.

Open to most international readers — any place Lovehoney ships to for free (check here).


Tantus toys galore!

A $150 gift certificate donated by Tantus. What will you get in their awesome online shop? The Splash? The Cush O2? Or perhaps one of their newer toys, the Juice, Rocket, or Duke? So many possibilities!

Open to international readers — you agree to pay customs/duties fees if applicable.

Eroscillator 2 Plus

The Eroscillator 2 Plus, donated by SheVibe. SOMEHOW, I’ve never given away an Eroscillator on my blog, even though it’s been one of my favorite toys for FOUR YEARS. As always, look past its fugly exterior to the toy within — a toy that oscillates, and feels different and deeper than a traditional vibrator.

Open to readers in the U.S., UK, Canada, and Australia!

We-Vibe Touch

The We-Vibe Touch, donated by We-Vibe. This petite rechargeable vibe is small enough to nestle in the palm, but equipped with enough oomph to satisfy. That’s a hard combo to find. Trust me.

Open to international readers!


Fleshlight of the winner’s choice (excluding those molded from stars), donated by Fleshlight. I just asked my boyfriend to sum this toy up for you, and he said in a movie-announcer voice, “it’s the next best thing to my very own hand.”

Open to readers in the U.S. and Europe only.

Open to U.S. readers only


Vixen Mustang

The Vixen Creations Mustang in the color of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations. Ooh, gurl, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. The Mustang is a really great and manageable size, and the VixSkin will spoil you for life. Guaranteed.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Crystal Delights Crystal Twist

The Crystal Delights Crystal Twist, with the winner’s choice of Swarovski crystal color, donated by Crystal Delights. Such a unique and beautiful glass dildo! Still, I have found nothing that stimulates my G-spot quite like this. I literally twist the toy up against it. It’s amazing.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Fun Factory Stronic Eins

The Fun Factory Stronic Eins, donated by Babeland. I had to use a GIF so that you would understand what this crazy mofo does. It thrusts. It does not vibrate. And if you prop it up against a pillow, you don’t even have to hold it. I often crave it specifically — a sure sign of excellence in my household.

Open to U.S. readers only.

NobEssence Romp

The NobEssence Romp, donated by NobEssence. Gah, this butt plug! It is so good! I don’t know how they came up with this majestic shape, but it is perfect in every way. Plus that base is butt-cheek-friendly… for optimum comfort. That sounded like a mattress commercial. OH WELL.

Open to U.S. readers only.

New York Toy Collective Shilo Pack and Play

The New York Toy Collective Shilo Pack and Play, in the color of the winner’s choice, donated by the Smitten Kitten. This delicious piece of squishy silicone with a bendable shaft has been getting rave reviews. The future is here, my friends, and it involves dildos/packers that literally bend to our will.

Open to U.S. readers only.

njoy Pure Wand

The njoy Pure Wand, donated by Early to Bed. No big deal, guys, just one of the greatest G-spotting dildos of all time. Only the toy that has taught millions1 of vaginas to squirt. The solid stainless steel and C shape are the holy grail of G-spotting.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness

Thanks, Objets de Plaisir, for the photo!

The Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness, donated by Good Vibrations. I don’t usually wear a harness, but when I do, it’s the Joque. This harness, aside from being super comfortable and adjustable, is also machine-washable. YES.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Crystal Delights Star Delight

The Crystal Delights Star Delight, with the winner’s choice of Swarovski crystal color, donated by Crystal Delights. One of the only glass dildos you’ll ever need. Just look at it. Bumps and a G-spotting head to boot. It’s a great one.

Open to U.S. readers only.

NobEssence Seduction

The NobEssence Seduction, donated by NobEssence. This is another toy that I somehow have never given away before, and it’s a fucking travesty. The Seduction is one of my top 3 G-spot dildos of all time. I love how lightweight the wood is, and the both ends are epic G-spotters. I am swooning just thinking about the bigger end.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Vixen Buck

The Vixen Creations Buck, in the color of your choosing, donated by Vixen Creations. A girthy yet surmountable dildo, Buck is, for me, the Goldilocks of VixSkin dildos. The detailing on this toy is insane, and that head is curved and pronounced to stimulate the G-spot wonderfully. The fullness at the vaginal opening is also excellent.

Open to U.S. readers only.

Ready to enter? Excellent!
a Rafflecopter giveaway

Deadline: Tuesday, November 5th, 2013 at 11:59 p.m. PST.


  • All winners must be 18+.
  • The winners of the Mustang, Crystal Twist, Stronic Eins, Romp, Shilo, Pure Wand, Joque, Star Delight, Seduction, and Buck must live in the U.S.
  • The winners of the Comet G and Eroscillator 2 Plus must live in the U.S., UK, Canada, or Australia.
  • The winner of the Fleshlight must live in the U.S. or Europe.
  • International winners agree to pay customs/duties fees if needed.
  1. rough estimate []
  • timelordmothermother

    I’d be all about more harness reviews.

  • Annie

    Yessss, around for one of these finally :3 (of course I’m glad you made it to five years too, congrats!)

  • emsy

    I am super excited about this giveaway! I was just browsing glass dildos today!

  • The Eroscillator is a prize… (stars full of joy explode out of eyes) YOU HAVE NO IDEA… no idea… how much I lust after that thing. I want one. And it ships to Canada. Just lemme get my horseshoe and my four leaf clover and drink a few luck potions…eee.

    Also thank you for holding this snarktastic celebration of sticking quality things in quality vaginas for years that have came and years to come. The only thing that could possibly improve your blog is like… more snark and free dildos for all (but you try).

    (also ‘pparently my name here can’t be changed but I used to comment as Noira and entered the contest under that name without realizing my comments would now be under another name. Dang universalizing.)

  • genderblank

    I credit you, Epiphora, for, well, changing my fucking life. Your reviews have steered me toward some amazing products and helped me look at sex and my body in magical new ways. Thank you!

  • Chelsea

    I’m so excited to finally be around for one of these! Made even better by the fact it happened on my birthday. 😀

  • You. Are. KILLING ME. All of these options, and such AMAZING ones at that. I honestly think my heart was ripped out as I kept scrolling down, and realizing it’s only for ONE. GAHHHH!!!! On the other hand, FUCKING EPIC GIVEAWAY.

  • My heart yearns for the Mona 2.

  • ArchVixen

    Congrats on 5 awesome years. It’s been entertaining and educating for sure!
    And your giveaway is blowing my mind. There are so many amazing toys! An Eroscillator, Mustang, Buck.. And a Shilo! YES!!

  • Charlotte

    God, these all look amazing!! But I have a special love for Lelo!! I have their Liv and gosh is it amazing!! A little annoyed that just after I bought it they brought out the Liv 2, but oh well!! So, my heart is calling out for that Mona 2 to add to my collection!! Either way, this blog is just superb!!

  • Lizzy

    The njoy looks amazing–I’ve been eyeing it for a while!

  • Loki

    Maaaan, I have been wanting a neon green Mustang for like a year now.

  • Rachel

    Your blog makes my dirty pleasures seem less..dirty. ;P Hah!

  • rainyday

    I love this blog and how honest you are about your experiences. Your reviews are some of the most helpful, and I love reading the jackoff journals and what goes on in your life.

  • anaa

    LELO Luna Beads. The Vibratex Mystic Wand. Ophoria Beyond 3. Many happy orgasms thanks to your amazing reviews! So many amazing prizes to chose from, but once again, your reviews helped me in this very difficult choice. Keep up the good work, you’re my absolute favourite sex toy reviewer!

  • I take it you want the blog comment here then? LOVE your reviews (I’d have to say the hated ones are my favorite), love whatever you write really. I do, however, wish there was a way to better navigate your archives, I mean with keywords. I guess that’s it. Other than that? You rock, I love that you are easy to get a hold of, aaannnndddd yeah…keep up the great work.

  • Lyzanne

    I’ve been subscribed for about a year now, and you are definitely my go-to reviewer whenever I decide to increase my sex toy arsenal. You are the sole reason I decided against vibrators you can wear under harnesses and the reason I am a loyal, loyal follower of Lelo, and the reason my boyfriend bought me an njoy Pure Wand for Christmas (keeper, right?).

    Happy five years, so excited to see where the next five take you!

  • Mariah

    Ohhh my goodness! All this excitement is robbing me of coherent thoughts to use in a comment! Mmmm, dat neon green.

  • Cristen Kennedy

    ZOMG crystal delight twisty thing. *grabby hands*

  • unboundsheep

    If someone wins the harness, will it be the one pictured, or will they be able to pick a color other than purple?

  • KEH

    This is possibly the most epic blog giveaway I’ve ever seen. Please don’t change your blog or writing style. My friends and I started following for your brutal honesty and premium sense of humor.

  • This is one epic giveaway! I enjoy reading most of the post you publish. I like how opinionated you can be.

  • Marion

    This is my all time favorite blog. Your startlingly honest reviews are always good for a laugh, AND (more importantly) you have never led me astray! This blog has been invaluable in my journey of sexploration! Thank you!

  • sam

    Honestly, your blog has been my go-to resource on buying sex toys. Every time I’m thinking about buying something new, or giving advice to a friend, I come check for your review on it, and you’ve never led me wrong.

  • Elinor

    I’m pretty new to the blog, but I completely adore your reviews, and they always give me direction in what I’m looking for in a sex toy – always leaving me satisfied! :))

  • shadmock

    Too many choices! Too many things I covet!

  • clitstop

    I think your blog is brilliant as it is. It’s one of the first sex blogs I laid my eyes on, and I can’t think of anything you could improve on. I keep coming back because I think we’re so similar in what gets us off. I trust your opinion, and everything I’ve purchased based on your reviews has been spot on so far.

    Oh, and I’m DYING to win the Joque harness.

  • Els

    Well.. thanks a lot! I just spent 30 minutes trying to choose what toy I like best (which is nearly impossible!! Darn you!! They are all awesome!). And now I’m horny so I need to go masturbate for the next 30 minutes.

  • jmzephyr

    So many choices our heads are going to explode! One again Piph, you’ve outdone yourself. 🙂

  • Emily

    Your blog is great! It really helps us connoisseurs to know where to go and where to avoid.

  • neon

    urk, on the one hand being in Canada means that it’s so much easier to pick, but on the other, there’s so much stuff I wanted in the US-only packages aaaaaa

  • L.

    So excited about this!
    I love your blog, but I wish you posted more often! I find your taste pretty flawless so thanks for your honesty!

  • Juliettia

    I like that you’ve never been afraid to express your true opinion on a product, even if it means tearing it down a majority of the time.

  • M. H.

    Thanks so much for this giveaway. It was crazy hard to choose a toy.

  • Bambarella The Great

    I really don’t think your blog could be any better. Every bit of your reviews have rung true for me when I have made a purchase.

  • elke

    omg. i really want to win that harness! thank you for having this giveaway.

  • M. H.

    Oh wait, constructive comment. How about follow up toy reviews years after you review a toy? Sometimes toys are exciting at first but then don’t get much use.

  • Lacuna

    Oh my god. Come for the giveaway, then stay and … keep coming. I see how it is. 😀 Instant follow (and not just for extra entries!)!

  • cms

    Congrats on 5 years!! I love your blog 🙂

  • QueenieDarlingxo

    Wow! I spent 30min trying to decide which toy to enter for. What an amazing selection!
    I honestly believe your blog is excellent as is! I won’t buy a toy unless it has a thumbs-up from you (like the Caesar of sex-toys). You are always detailed, honest, and the way you write your reviews makes me feel comfortable like I’m chatting with a good friend. You’ve yet to steer me wrong. I’m so thankful to have your blog as a reference in my shopping endeavors!

  • LoriA89

    Honesty + snark = obviously the best toy review blog around

  • Shannon Lusk

    I’ve been all about your blog for a long time, and it was on your recommendation that I purchased the Tantus Ripple (thank you again). What a wonderful way to love us back just a little bit more than you already do!

  • Claire

    UUHG so many good toys!!! <3

  • KA

    This seems like a really informative blog. I’ll definitely be coming back!

  • Panda

    I really like the funny snark bits from your blog, but the invaluable information is probably what keeps me coming back more than anything.

  • PillowKisser

    I am far more excited about this than I really should be! >/////>

  • travelnurse

    Thanks for the giveaway!!

  • TJ

    Your reviews convinced me to get the Lelo Mia 2 🙂

  • Sarah Ryland


  • Andrew

    As always, incredible amounts of appreciation for your giveaways and everything else.

  • Guest

    This blog has been a month-long crash course into a world I didn’t even know existed. Thank you, Piph.

  • I just love your blog so much, okay? Your layout is beautiful and blue and I want to wrap myself up in a blanket that colour.

  • Lindsey D.

    this is maybe a dream come true yes

  • Jables

    I have learned so much from this blog! Thank you!

  • Rex

    I’ve been hearing such great things about the NJoy. Would love to try one

  • Lynn D

    I am SO excited right now, oh snap. SO EXCITED

  • Nothing, I wouldn’t change a thing!

  • A C

    Holy balls, this is huge!

  • Rachael J

    It was very hard to chose just one. I want them all. And I love how you write. You aren’t afraid to rip things apart that you don’t like. I think your opinions are very trustworthy and I read your reviews before considering which toys to get.

  • Property Of Potter

    I always appreciate the honesty, even if it’s delivered differently than I would.

  • shannon

    I love your blog!

  • Rebecca

    May the snark be with you.

  • kat

    Your blog is wonderful!

  • ramenneedles

    I’m actually a relatively new reader, but your blog cracks me up! I’ve shared it with a bunch of friends, too – and now a giveaway? You’re too good to us. 😉

  • Ren

    All of these are so awesome!

  • Tracey R.

    Wow so many pretties to choose from – I can’t believe I could only pick 1. It was a tough choice.

  • Ones


  • queenofzan

    So so hard to pick just one! You have not steered me wrong in my sex toy purchases thus far, but now I want everything.

  • Nicole Lynn Miller

    Oh man. >< Hard choice!

  • Amandapants

    It was hard to pick one, but everything LELO makes is sooooo pretty!

  • Panda Sauce

    Your blog is the first thing my computer suggests when I type in the letter “H” into my browser navigation bar. I think that speaks for itself.
    The only MINISCULE suggestion I have is…more men’s toys reviews? it is really difficult to find reviews of those things that fit my elevated standards.

  • Kelsey

    So many choices! It’s hard to know what to pick. Also, I’m real glad I didn’t even bother reading through the US-only choices, no point in getting my hopes up!

  • Glumbumble

    I entered for the comet G wand. It’s something I would never buy on my own. It was a toss up between that and the Eroscillator, which I have also been admiring. But I really want to achieve a G-spot orgasm, and as of yet, I haven’t even found it. I’ve tried my Mona 2, but it’s done nothing for me internally, though it’s magic on the outside. I’ve been able to come 4 times in under 30 minutes with that thing.

  • emma

    whaaat. awesome! I love it.

  • Phoebe

    How can you expect us to choose!?

  • Scoutin’ for trouble

    I am just dyin’ for that Tantus gift certificate. this’ll be the first sex toy I’ve ever owned. (If I win.)

  • Feministswitch

    So many prizes, so few entries!

  • Sarah Shell

    Just found this blog because of the give away, but I’m glad I did. Definitely going to be reading through your blog tonight. 😉

  • Sarah

    Your blog inspired me to get the Eroscillator and the Pure Wand! And you make me feel up to date on the important things happening in the sex toy industry. I appreciate your natural writing style and look forward to reading new reviews (and sometimes old reviews if I’m bored). I would love to win an njoy plug to try out for myself and my boyfriend 🙂

  • The thing I love most about this blog is the attitude, and the matter-of-fact-ness. Reviews are always enjoyable whether you love something or hate it, because of that je ne sais quois that you bring to the table each time. Everything is blunt and to the point, never sugarcoated, but wrapped up in this language that makes it entertaining rather than merely descriptive.

    I’m entering to win the Comet wand simply because of how you compared it to the Pure Wand, and knowing how much I enjoy something similar to the latter for prostate use I’m hoping I might get to try Jopen’s offering as well.

  • Joanna

    It took me FOREVER to decide on just one. How cruel! I’ve been reading your blog for a long time. I love how brutally honest you are instead of making excuses for flaws like most bloggers do.

  • I think it’s a great blog. Very useful information.

  • Stephanie


  • Rashad

    I really like this blog, I don’t really have anything I would change about it. Perhaps more reviews of sex toys for guys

  • Matt

    I absolutely love your no holds barred reviews! I’ve found so many toys I didn’t even know existed!

  • tim1724

    Oh wow. Too many amazing choices this year! I already have a few of them, which helps narrow it down a tiny bit, but it’s still almost impossible to choose. I’m officially complaining that you have too many great toys to give away. 😛

  • ImaGodiva

    I love your honest reviews, and the sheer number of toys you’ve reviewed means I can usually find what I’m looking for.

  • imabuffbaby

    No complaints/nothing to nitpick. You’re very informative and honest. I absolutely check to see what you’ve said first before deciding on something, especially if it’s pricy.

  • rae

    I’d never heard of this blog before today, but I love seeing well done reviews of toys. I’m hooked. <3

  • Erica

    OMG. I just found this blog. How have I lived without this in my life?

  • Garter

    I’ve loved your blog for years! The design and reviews are flawless. Because of you, I bought the Eroscillator a few years back and use it the most! My roommate thought it was a curling iron, lol

  • C.M.

    I really love how freaking frank and honest you are, the fact that you are willing to tear a toy apart in a review is great!

  • Sada K

    I love your toy photography and of course your snark. I’d like to be useful and give some constructive criticism, but I honestly can’t think of anything I would change about your blog! I think you set the standard for reviewers, really.

  • Emily Rose

    You know, I’d love to see more reviews of products that are still body-safe but in a lower price bracket; things the big brands make to try and woo health-conscious peeps. I never can find blog reviews of them, it seems. Maybe they’re just not even worth a review? Or maybe you could do a round-up, if they’re not worth writing more than a couple sentences about. Because there are only so many premium toys my budget can handle!

  • J. R.

    Man, I’d love every single one of these…

  • sheboppin

    this giveaway is everything. It has 4 of my top toys on my wishlist.

  • Melissa

    Happy to be following!

  • HeatherB

    They are all so awesome. Your blog has also saved me some money. I recommend it to friends looking for new toys.

  • establishedin1979

    I honestly love everything you do with your blog. Your writing is a delightful snark fest and your actual concern about keeping women safe from toxic toys, makes me want to reinvest again and again as a reader.

  • Monica

    I’d love a new toy!

  • Cass

    Your blog is amazing! Thanks for the informative, entertaining reviews.

  • billieblossom


  • everlyn

    I want every one of them.

  • Jen

    I love you. And I really want an Eroscillator.

  • nemo lovebutt

    I’ve been lusting after that njoy plug for aaaaages. Omg.

    this is actually my first introduction to your blog, but I love how in-depth you are in your reviews, and the wide array of toys you write about!

  • nicks


  • Shekeita M.

    Love your blog as is! 😉

  • Liz

    You’re perfect!

  • nicholesmith

    I love your reviews 🙂

  • wendolen

    Aww yiss! When I first scanned over the picture of all of the prizes, I didn’t see the Stronic Eins, and I was sad. But it was there, hiding from me! There are some other treats here (the Eroscillator and the Pure Wand stand out), but most of them I have already bought because of your recommendations. I am still saving up for the Stronic Eins, though, and it would be baller to win one!

  • Kris

    What I love about this blog is that you don’t pull punches. When you love something, you aren’t afraid to say it loud and proud, but when you don’t love something (or, in fact, flat out despise it), you articulate WHY you don’t like it. You also make comparisons to other toys and link to those reviews, which I find really convenient when I’m cross-referencing or need a refresher on another product you’ve talked about. Congrats on the 5th Anniversary! I’ve been reading the blog for… three years, I think… and it’s still amazing!

  • lucymonostone

    Man, it would be nice to own something even slightly trans*-related. A gift card could get me a decent strap-on harness or something…

  • Pia S

    I’ve loved reading sex toy reviews for ages, but over the years most of the original blogs I followed have closed. Seeing someone who’s still around from the “old days” makes me so happy! Here’s to the next ten years. Keep on being awesome!

  • Amy V

    This has to be the best giveaway in the history of the internets. Hoping the Mona 2 will be mine at last!

  • b.w.

    This is awesome! Thank you!

  • Sivol

    I love your stance on safety and the superbly easy navigation on the site ♥

  • Deborah Zarett

    Hope i did this correctly!

  • jack

    the toys i dream about and yet can only read about because ain’t nobody got that $$$$$$

  • Schaumkuss

    I love having a blog about I can trust- After finding Hey Epiphora I’ve gotten toys only at your recommendation, from trusted websites! I love being able to know what’s going in and around my body~

  • DoktorNauk

    I had to go with the harness, I’m hoping it was one of the less popular items.

  • Whitney M

    I falling head over heels for your blog epiphora! Hoping this giveaway may provide an equisite replacement for my yucky phthalatey dildo I’ve biffed into the trash. 🙂

  • hoppy72

    I have been following you for about 3 months, I love you wit and candor! I only wish I would have found your blog sooner!

  • Joie De Jouets

    You’re the bomb.com , and I adore you.

  • chac

    This is so neat!

  • chac

    I love the blog because I can trust what you say plus it’s some sort of stealth feminism

  • Megan

    omg i can’t believe i hadn’t know about your blog before! This giveaway is epic, but your whole blog is even more epic!

  • Ivy

    What I love about your blog is that not only is it aesthetically pleasing (that’s the way I like my sex toys after all) but it’s also hilarious. I’ve yet to find another review site that is as honest or amusing.

  • Natalie

    What I like is that you’re brutally honest with toy reviews. No bullshit, unlike a lot of sugar-coated bullshittery that I read in toy reviews. You’re descriptive too, which is always helpful.

  • Ginger

    I love hearing about your personal experiences and how your sexuality has evolved. I also find your toy reviews invaluable! Quality toys are pricey so it’s great to read genuine reviews before making any purchases.

  • S

    I really appreciate your no-BS attitude towards reviewing toys. I’m on a tight budget, so I make my purchases very carefully, and you’ve never steered me wrong yet. Thanks 🙂

  • vulgarvag

    Had to check your reviews to make my choice, which definitely helped narrow it down. So many good options!

  • Jessica

    This blog is ridiculous in the best possible meaning of the word. You rock!!

  • ash

    this is, like, the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make wrt to the internet?!?! that’s a sign that you’ve really sold the majesty of all these, obvs.

  • Yelena L.

    Was definitely doing some heavy breathing as I went through the giveaway items. I want pretty much everything except the Njoy Pure Wand (have one because of you and I cherish it), and the Fleshlight.

    I LOVE your site: your writing voice, the honest reviews, the commentary on the industry as a whole, your cute Q&A posts… also enjoy following you on various social media. 🙂

    Only thing I would suggest is maybe open discussion posts revolving around various sex/sex health topics? It might be fun to have people chime in and discuss more about their experiences and perspectives for differing things. I know there’s post commentary, but maybe this would bring something different to the table? *shrugs* Just an idea.

  • Georgina

    Heard about the giveaway on tumblr and I think it’s absolutely great! Thanks for doing it 🙂

  • ChicagoWereNerd

    Oh man it’s hard choosing just one thing! All the wood and metal toys are so tempting but I’m going to have to go with the Njoy g-spot stimulator.

  • K.

    I’ve just found your blog through a tumblr reblog and I can already tell it’ll be one of my favorites. I can’t wait to see if I win by chance! My fiance and I would have so much fun with any of these.

  • Brigette

    So much variety! So excited!

    I love how you are so honest about the sex toys you review and aren’t scared to have this as your profession 😀

  • Dora

    wow, this is a huge giveaway. i love your site, your comments are really helpful. i do wish your newsletter worked a little more like the rss feed, in that i find the website-like appearance of it unnecessary. but you introduced me to the eroscillator, so there’s pretty much nothing i wouldn’t do for your commentary.

  • nilla

    I’m beyond overjoyed that you’ve been blogging for FIVE years (got me beat by 14 months and I don’t have the uber discerning vagina that you do. 🙂 Congratulations on 5 years, and wishing you many more. (and okay, wishing like hell that I win the Eroscillator… 🙂 )


  • Violet Beth

    Dear god want. I love Crystal Delights and would absolutely die if I could get one

  • Mattie Omega

    Piph I love following you’re vagventures, and I’m beyond pleased that you are continuing to do so. You were the blogger that got me brave enough to throw down bucks for something nicer than jelly and watch batteries. Cheers to five more!

  • Jamal J.

    I’m really hoping to get my first sex toy through this! Come on Lady Luck, don’t let me down!

  • Pantophile Panic

    Once upon a time I was merely a woman with a dream. A dream to own every sex toy. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that some toys suck, and some aren’t even body safe. You helped me to recreate my collection. I only bought toys from brands you recommended. Now, I have the knowledge to make my own choices. You’ve taught me so much over the years. Also, you’ve made my birthday awesome multiple times with your April Fools jokes. Hugs and dildos.

  • That Virgin Who Can’t Drive

    Wow, this is a tough decision. Leaning towards Tantus just for the versatility. *flails hands* Gah, I don’t know!

    You’re amazing for doing this and for, you know, being YOU.

  • Bella

    Hey, thanks so much for doing this giveaway! Your blog is super cool and congrats on 5 years!!

  • Classified

    Whoa, that’s a nice pile of toys there. You’re always so upfront and honest with your reviews, I don’t think I’d be nearly this comfortable with sex toys if it weren’t for your blog. Thank you for always being so matter-of-fact with these things…and for your awesome grammar (hey, it’s important and refreshing)!

  • Camila

    What a great set of options! I’m so hoping to win!

  • renquise

    Oh man, I first started following your blog about a year ago, and I’ve gotten at least two toys because of your awesome reviews and great taste in dildos. Thanks for the great giveaway!

  • cris

    i JUST found your blog. this is amazing!

  • Jaquelin

    Had to go with the Mona. I’ve been wanting it ever since I read your review and I don’t have any LELO products yet, which is rather surprising considering how much my collection has grown this year.

    Your blog definitely has a lot to do with that growth, haha.

  • blueberrytea

    I keep meaning to buy the Comet G wand, so here’s hoping! Your blog is wonderful. I wish it updated more, but it’s still fantastic.

  • AAndreandrea

    I love your honest , fun reviews. Thanks for the giveaway!

  • H

    Ooh, I hope I win!

  • Hayz

    As someone who’s never managed to reach the big O, I’m hoping your enthusiastic review for the Eroscillator isn’t just talk! What I’ve seen of the rest of your reviews are fun and helpful and it’s no wonder you’ve been going strong five years.

  • Amanda

    five beautiful and snarky years. Thanks for being so awesome, dude!

  • oryx

    I do love Lelo toys, but I’d really love to win the njoy Pure Plug to be honest.

  • moof

    wow, i really want the mustang, holy damn.

  • Mmpm88

    Happy Anniversary! I have loved your blog for the last five years. Thank you for your candidness. Here’s to five more awesome years!

  • NeedsIt

    What to improve?? Hmmm, can’t think of a damn thing! I love your blog and this giveaway is awesome. I hope I win! I need it! 😛

  • dangyeah

    I can’t think of anything to add. Maybe a more interesting color scheme, but that’s personal nit-picking more than anything. Happy anniversary!

  • ladyastolat

    Happy blogiversary! You will always be my favorite! 😀

  • robin

    I like how you don’t talk about how “tiny” your hands are and that you don’t have a jealous, controlling husband who you pretend to have a D/s relationship with yet hide your blogging/reviewing from. Not talking about anyone specific or anything.

  • Adele

    I love these giveaways! Something about the pick-a-prize element is really exciting.

  • KJay

    I would love to see cultural commentary mixed in with your reviews and entries!

  • Nick

    I literally just found this blog and now I’m hyped to read through it

  • boinamedsue

    This is a great giveaway! I appreciate that you presented a variety of toys for different bodies and needs! 😀

  • Kiri

    Wow, I want all the toys now.

  • Emily

    So many toys I want! This is a hard choice!

  • Leslie

    Such a hard choice, but here’s hoping I got the harness!

  • Alyssa

    Just wanted to say, I think you are pretty awesome. Just thought you should know. =D

  • Xkarji

    I love you, Piph. I work a job I love but I make very, very little money (which is an ok-trade off) so when it comes to sex toys, which I also love, I have very little wiggle room. It has to be GREAT, it HAS to be worth the money, and it’s going to have to satisfy me for a very long time on its own. You always, without fail, provide me with the best information. You answer all my questions. You are also incredibly hilarious and make me snort my tea out of my face. You can’t improve, Piph. You’re sex-toy perfection.

    Here’s to another wonderfully orgasmic five years!

  • Juliana Marie

    I do enjoy the blog but was never so excited to re-read my email as I was today to get that code, thank you Inbox (heh heh, ‘box’)

  • Colour-Electric

    I seriously love the fact that you do giveaways like this. Totally worth it, and I’m glad I found you!

  • Guest

    Here’s hoping for an Eroscillator 2 Plus!!

  • Guest

    Gimmie that Eroscillator 2 Plus!

  • Hierophilic

    I wish you updated every single day tbh. Your blog never gets old! I love reading your reviews, it’s the highlight of my day and without them, it feels a little more boring than usual.

  • Juss

    I’m going to follow your blog more!

  • Gotta say, I’m totally new around here so feedback isn’t really something I can offer. But I clicked through to a couple of your reviews in order to pick which toy I’d want, and I have to say, I have a feeling I’ll be back.

  • Nina

    Hmm, your blog is interesting because you have a lot of details with pictures + a lot of cool info for us newbies 😀

  • Elisa Day

    I love your blog because you are honest and we have similar taste in toys.

  • Chad

    You’ve saved me from making some costly mistakes (hate it when I make those), now you’re the first place I look for reviews of things I’m interested in buying. Keep up the good work!

  • Chiara

    I have an amazing relationship with sex toys, and that’s all thanks to you. You’ve introduced me to sex toys, convinced me to purchase a mona 2, and therefore are partly responsible for some of the best orgasms in my life- and honestly, idk what my life would be like if I hadn’t found your blog, but I don’t want to know

  • Whitley Zandler

    Mobile accessibility plz!!!

  • International options for the win! Choosing one … dang, but that was difficult! Piph, my site improvement recommendation would be the header – I know it shows a bunch of toys which is cool and all, but it’s so very busy! I find it difficult to look at (also not a fan of the font used for ‘Hey Epiphora’ in the header either). That’s me being extremely picky, though 🙂

    xx Dee

  • Caleb

    This is a really cool blog, I read it frequently but don’t normally comment. Keep it up!

  • N

    I like the openness of your sexual relationship with your boyfriend. Kudos to him too

  • pookaglamour

    Please dildo-related deities let me get that Tantus!I have at least 5 on my wishlist for the nifty shapes.

  • orangehands

    This is such an awesome giveaway, thanks!

  • Kev

    Thanks for showing me the joy of sex toys.

  • Can you elaborate? My site has a mobile theme.

  • Dani Jones

    Oh wow, this is a great giveaway!

  • Alyse

    Thank you for celebrating our sexualities for 5 years and thank you for this giveaway!

  • Sperri

    I love your honesty and humor. I get a laugh and recommendations on how to enjoy myself. What could be better?

  • Ashley Kelty

    You are awesome. :3

  • I’ve been in the market for a new theme for quite some time, but have yet to find one that I like. I would like it to be simpler than what I have now, for sure.

    As for the font, no way! I love that font so much I actually paid for it!?

  • I find this comment super fulfilling for some reason.

  • Fuck yes, overcoming jelly and watch batteries!

    Also, vagventures.

  • I am intrigued by this comment. What exactly do you dislike about the design of the newsletter? And to be clear, you are talking about the Snark Digest, right?

  • Kim Vande Walle

    Great giveaway Epiphora! Congratulations on the 5 year blogiversary!! I hope you have as much fun the next 5 years 😉

  • stealth feminism

  • Yeah! So many of my friends from when I started hung up their blogger hats long ago. So sad.

  • A

    I am new to sex toys, so reading through your reviews has been super helpful in figuring out what types of things I might like. (And what I can afford/what’s worth spending more money on). Your entries are always entertaining, as well!

  • This is sound reasoning.

  • I wish companies would send me stuff and only expect a couple sentences! Because I would totally do that. But you’re right, a lot of them are just meh and not really worth my time. If I see something really interesting I’ll ask for it, but I’m very picky about shapes and stuff!


  • I know. I’m sorry. But I’d rather people win something they REALLY wanted than something they only sort-of wanted because everyone entered for everything.

  • Yume Cuniculus

    I fuckin’ love your blog, ‘Piph. It was thanks to you I left Eden, and I can’t get enough snarky goodness! Thanks for doing this giveaway. *crosses fingers*

  • Ha, that is so good!

    I wish I could help you out there, and trust me, I’ve tried. But my boyfriend is not that into trying new things. He is the exact opposite of me! I prod him, but it doesn’t work. My favorite male reviewer is Ruffled Sheets.

  • Always.

  • A flannel blanket, perhaps?

  • Michael

    Gosh, it’s really hard to choose between the erocilator and the pure plug. I’ve been intrigued by both for so long.

  • This is sometimes true, but I try to eliminate this problem by really thoroughly trying stuff before I review it. If I have a huge change of heart, I definitely will post about it.

  • Damn, I am ~fancy~

  • Claire

    I just discovered your blog, and I fell in love with your wit and your writing style. I have yet to purchase even a single dildo or vibrator, but I trust that with your suggestions in mind, I can’t go wrong.

  • Navimre

    A++ Blog you have here!! :p
    I really adore your theme especially — because it’s not too dark and imposing and it just makes me happy.
    Your content… like… there is no disliking it. at all. You are so positive and personally responsible for so many great orgasms like wow you goddess. 😀

  • Wow, that’s amazing. I am so honored.

  • Nora

    Great giveaway! Thank you for making it open to international readers, too.

  • Steph

    I have gone front to back reading this blog, and it so honest and refreshing.

  • Tash

    I love how every single one of your top toy recommendations has rocked my self-love life in epic ways. Also the lack of pink is SO REFRESHING.

  • Anonymouse

    Oh wow there are some amazing choices here, I love your blog and this is a fantastic giveaway!



  • lil panda

    Love your blog soooo much, for realsies. You rock for introducing me to
    the glory of Sliquid and for your fantastical photos. Anyone who can put
    dildos and littlest petshop together on a sex toy review blog deserves a
    frikkin medal!

  • Dora

    hi! so, i gave a super long answer (sorry!), and i’m sure it’s self-involved of me to think you care this much about one person’s opinion of the newsletter, but i figure you asked, so i might as well answer. so, yes i’m talking about the snark digest. i meant a bunch of things.

    first thing first, in terms of the rss thing, i really just want to be able to read an email. i don’t want to have to click a link to know what you’re talking about, and then come back to the email when i’m done. so, for me, when you reference things in the upcoming toys/sex toy news section and expect me to click through, it’s very frustrating, especially because you’re writing around it so by the time i get to the link i’m already invested in the story you’re telling. the sliquid 50 shades of grey thing in snark digest 6 is a great example of what i’m talking about. it reminds me of the time in high school i wrote an in class essay
    where you needed to keep going back to the book to read quotes i’d cut
    short (“the…..quote” [pg 355]), and my teacher literally threw a
    marker at me (i did this for the sake of time, in my defense). as you may have guessed, the whole links i’ve loved/loathed section isn’t for me, but at least with that i can just ignore the entire section.

    in terms of the website-like part, that entire side section of links and buttons is excess. i just
    want a letter, from you to me. i already know where your website is. and the top section is pretty much the reviews category of your website. there’s a sentence from/summarizing/teasing the full article, which is just a click away. this is great, for when i go to the website to look through your reviews.

    but that’s not really what i’m looking for out of a digest. if i’ve read the reviews, it gives me nothing new, and if i haven’t, it’s essentially just reminding me to read them. but i thought the point of a digest was to save me time. i get that i’m just one person, and what i want really doesn’t matter, but what i’d really like to see out of that part of the digest is for you to compare the reviews and the toys (not the same thing) to each other.

    something like, “want some tmi about how i slammed my g-spot so hard it became an h-spot? read this review! in the mood for a tamer but always educating post about where or even what exactly that g-spot is? then this is the review for you! and hey guys, this weekend was star wars! the pussy: episode 400000000. i have to admit, the pure wand is still darth vader, but the comet g wand has officially been crowned queen leia” then link to comet g. you don’t have to make whole new reviews so much as introduce them in a new way.

    anyway, what i’m trying to say is, i’d like 1) a self-enclosed newsletter. i don’t want the links through, or even the side buttons, for that matter. i already know where your website is and how to access different parts of it. i want to be able to read just the email and have a satisfying experience. 2) instead of formatting the reviews in the toy-based way that your review category already is formatted naturally, make it more about how/what we want from your writing at that moment. because i think liking your writing is what the people that have chosen to subscribe to the newsletter (and then read those letters) all have in common. and 3) a little reflection between different posts would be great, even if all we get is a sentence or two and then links to the reviews you’ve already made.

    thank you so much for reading my comment and replying to me in the first place! I hope I haven’t offended you, because I love your writing and I’d hate to think I’d bummed you out.

  • honeymii

    I just discovered this blog via this giveaway and I’m glad I did, because it’s awesome!

  • Leon

    whee good luck everyone

  • catspeaker

    I’ve never taken much interest in sex toy reviews until now – and apparently I’ve been missing out, because DAMN. Just the half-dozen or so reviews I’ve read in relation to the giveaway have been honest, informative, amusing, and helpful. I don’t have a lot of disposable income, so when I decide to shove a chunk of my paycheck up my vagina in one form or another, I really want to be sure that what I’m getting is worth the cost – these reviews’ll definitely help in that regard. The only problem is, now I want about $800 worth of sex toys…

  • Zuz

    Finally something that allows international shipping and not just US people to join… us people from the other corners of the world have needs too! 😛

  • Run Amok

    Epiphora, I’ve been following your blog for years and you’ve never steered me wrong. I love how specific you are and how you refuse to be coy.

  • Innobent

    I found your blog researching the Mona 2 to see if I should pay that much money for one vibrator. Changed my freaking life, yo. Now Im worried that when I end up losing my virginity, Im still gunna prefer my toys. Damn you, Piph! *waves fist* 😀

  • mivox

    Eenie, meenie, miney… AUGH. I am having a fucker of a time trying to narrow this down past three.

  • Noëlle Steegs

    You know what I love about you? You’re straight forward. No sugar coating whatsoever. Your writing style makes me smile, too. I don’t know what you should change. Your blog is awesome like it is.

  • Jules

    It’s probably gonna sound stupid but your blog helped me with more than knowledge about sex toys. You helped me have a more healthy relationship with masturbation, and therefore my whole sexuality, you made me discover ethical porn (especially T. Taormino, who I then contacted about a specific problem and she/her team actually answered! all that thanks to your blog), you taught me how my own body worked (G-Spot business, and hopefully I too can be black hole someday) and you showed me that there are people and spaces that are about healthy, joyful and open appreciation of female desire and pleasure as opposed to coy and embarassed hushed metaphores, and you then allowed me to be able to also help other women in those matters… I still have a long way to go but thanks to you I know the road’s gonna be awesome and full of snark and orgasms.

    Basically there should be a Nobel Prize for making vaginas happy and you should get it every year.

  • kai_wanders

    This is an amazing giveaway! The only thing even starting to help me chose is that I can’t pick from everything because I’m not in the US. I first found your blog about 4 years ago (I think) and you’ve only got more awesome since then! Happy Blogiversary!

  • kali

    all fingers crossed that i win. my mom found my vibrator when i moved out and threw it away. Super embarrassing. and now i can’t afford a new one!

  • Artemisia Jilder

    Your gspot has the same taste mine does. Scary.

  • Katie S

    I love the SNARK. Years ago I read about six sex toy blogs. Now I only read one. Keep it up 😀

  • SailorZeo

    What a great post to wake up to this morning! I’ve bought so many toys on your recommendations, and as soon as I get the “New Snark” emails, I can’t wait to read the next review, and I never know whether I’m hoping for positive or negative! Both are great and honest.

  • Lydia

    I love your blog so much, it introduced me to the idea of having many sex toys. For my 18th birthday I got this horrible, jelly, wimpy lipstick vibe and was kind of turned off the idea of them, and definitely never thought of dildos as being something I would need or want. And using my fingers, I never thought that penetration would feel particularly good. Now because of you, I am getting a lot more pleasure, and I found my gspot!
    If I have a criticism about your blog, it’s that I need you to post more often, because you’re awesome!

  • Lydia

    I like how thorough you are in reviewing, and how honest you are. Your humanity and comedy really come through your writing.

  • Katt

    I really like how extensive your toy reviews are, and how you cover every angle (if you’ll pardon the pun, aha), even the negatives on toys you really do like. That, and the fact that you seem to take a really sex-positive stance, and that’s awesome.
    And seriously, pink sex toys invoke my wrath in ways I’m sure you can imagine. One of the first vibrators I ever bought is a really painfully conspicuous neon pink that I’ve come to really resent.

  • Bridget

    Your blog is honest, comedic, and like another commenter said, no pink, which I LOVE about this blog. Pink is my LEAST favorite color, and heaven forbid something marketed to women NOT be pink, right?

  • stella

    wow, just wow. this is an amazing line up!

  • Elena Kate

    This is a pretty incredible selection. Also, ‘surmountable’.

    Thanks Piph, you’re the bees knees.

  • kate

    Dude I just spent like, five hours reading ALL THE REVIEWS, wishing I had money. I whined to a friend and she was like “Um, there is a giveaway.” Hell yeah!

  • Sensible Rin

    Wow! I’ve never seen such a large giveaway!
    I love how you have opinions. There is nothing better than a woman who can skillfully articulate her opinions without fear. I also like how you self-cite older posts.

  • Jessica

    Congrats on the 5 years! I’d like to thank you and your vagina for all the hard work. 🙂 Your reviews are always hilarious and I’ve gotten two toys(that I love) based on your reviews!

  • MxTori

    This is probably the best giveaway I’ve ever seen online. T_T

  • Clare

    You’re so honest and funny, it’s so refreshing to hear someone review sex toys in a confidant and non-bashful way!

  • LMC

    This is a super useful website – only came across it on tumblr ‘cos of the giveaway but am definitely going to keep reading it.

  • Let’s see….your writing is much better than mine, and so are your photos. Congrats on your 5 years, welcome to the club!

  • Freddie

    Not gonna lie, I just really love your blog! Reviews of things like the Eins and the Jopen Wand make me wish I was female… All to hard to find honest, funny reviews of stuff these days.

  • I am Jenn

    I would love to win one of these…I can’t afford the Lelo, and have wanted one for sooooo long…


  • KD

    Whee! Giveaways are fun!

  • robin


  • AKA wonderful

  • This. Is. Awesome.

  • That Virgin Who Can’t Drive

    Also leaning towards Tantus because the only Tantus toy I own is the Echo, which I picked up a few weeks back during the mad grab bag blow-out. I can now add the Echo to the short list of toys that have made me squirt and, therefore, have decided that I must soon try many more Tantus toys.

    For science.

  • plumintheevening

    Thanks for being so butt-friendly!

  • Crissy K

    Wow, I just love how /thorough/ your blog is! You’ve got great pictures, you’ve got so many toy reviews and those are all categorized with amazing detail. You list them by brand, by type, by material, by what they do, and by how good they are! My only slight crit is I wish the giveaway itself was less oriented towards penetrative toys, but besides that I’m completely enamored by this blog.

  • B n C

    I love your sense of humor and I really appreciate your ‘did humans even test this?’ tag! Thanks for reviewing the great toys and not shying away from the criticism of the not so great.

  • Darthbane2112

    Grats on 5 years, Epiphora! Here’s to the next 5!

  • Chloe G

    I love that you call shitty toys out, even if they are given to you for free to review them and you don’t feel obligated to give good reviews just because of that. I absolutely love your photography (I think the James Deen candle pictures are hilarious).I like that you HATE PINK. You convinced me to get Buck, which I CAN’T THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR. I like that you don’t use flowery language and you skip past the bullshit to give straightforward reviews. I also love your complete shutdown of EdenFantasys.

  • Slut Bunwallah

    i love your snark. and your honesty. and how you try everything more than once, just to make sure. and i adore your answer to the “what’s your favorite lube?” question.

    ps – i love sliquid sassy. thank you.

  • Patrice Bake

    My current collection is based around your reviews. Many thanks FOREVER for guiding me through the rough waters of safe and fun sex toys!

  • The Mr.

    I don’t want to fanboy too much. Your blog is my “go to” when trying to find out if something is worthy of my wife’s vagina. Epiphora doesn’t like it? No fucking way will my limited toy dollars go to supporting that shite. I like the variety of products you review. I enjoy your snark. Plus, you haven’t steered me wrong … yet. Keep up the good work and give your vajayjay a high five from me and my wife. (does that sound weird? Yes? doh!)

  • 390R

    love the glass ones

  • The Mr.

    Oh, and Jules down below sums up my wife’s experience. So my penis and her vagina thank you.

  • Adyrah

    I have been wanting an Eroscillator for years, but I can never justify spending money on it. Hopefully the universe thinks I need it too.

  • MrsJoJo

    fabulous giveaway, good luck x

  • Zippy

    Thanks for doing this and good luck to everyone

  • Holly

    Thanks so much for all the info!! You Rock!!

  • Brandon

    Oh, those njoy plugs call to me!

  • HC87

    I am very shy and nervous when it comes to sex and all things of the sort. This is my GO TO BLOG

  • Kristen K

    I love your site so much. I stumbled upon it when I was looking for “sex toy storage” but then I realized I knew nothing about sex toys and I was going about it all wrong. Your reviews have opened up a whole new world for me! I hope that you extend to more types of products in the future (like how you reviewed the throe) because I genuinely love your honesty and tone in all your posts!

  • Lauren

    This blog is amazing and I can’t believe I never found it before! I’ve never seen this many, this detailed, reviews on sex toys.

  • cha

    I love your blog. This blog has been part of toy-acquiring-decision-making for the majority of the toys in my toy box. And I love every single one!

  • Queeraschino Cherry

    Piph, I love your blog because you don’t feel the need to “keep things sexy” as so many unhelpful sex bloggers try to do. Sometimes shit gets unpleasant or uncomfortable (and sometimes your cat sits on your pj pants while you’re trying to JO). I appreciate a no-bullshit approach to your posts and interactions. La la la I love you

  • casey

    I signed up originally following your updates for a giveaway ages ago, and I’ve learned sooooooo much about sex toys! thanks for everything you do!

  • Allie

    Your blog is kinda like wikipedia, where I go to read one entry then get sucked into all sorts of linked posts and wonder where the time went. So, you know, awesome 🙂 Congrats on your anniversary!

  • leilani

    I’m happy I discovered this site.

  • Sheng Wang

    Congratulations on your five-year anniversary! Your posts are always entertaining, and have been a huge help in picking great toys.

  • shinygreenglasses

    Sooo after listening to the “Will Write for Dildos” talk, I just have to tell you how cool and “texture-y” your voice is – I really like it. I’m a synesthete, and the microphone may have helped with this, but when you paused or trailed off or ended a sentence, your voice would get very crunchy – it felt exactly like captain crunch in my mouth, and I loved it.

  • Isabella

    EPIPHORA!!! I LOVE your blog! Not only is it a great form of entertainment and an awesome guide for toys (your vagina is always right), but I even used it to research a role for a film! I always recommend your blog to everyone ;). I’ve been wanting a LELO Mona 2 for a long time now. I hope I win!!

  • Desireé

    I was designing a fantasy house, you know, just because, and when I realized my dream bedroom needed a custom sex toy cabinet, I went to the internet and stumbled onto your blog. And then I was completely sucked in and read the entirety of it in a few days. I’ve been an avid reader sense. You’re very educational while still being witty and charming, and you’re writing style is very engaging. You made me aware of a whole slew of issues I was unaware of and for that I will forever be thankful. I honestly feel like a better educated and more self aware person since reading your blog. I also really appreciate your hate of pink as well and that you don’t feel the need to defend your hatred. I get interrogated if I even mention disliking pink. So, thank you, for being awesome.

  • K

    generally curious: are there any toys here that are designed with trans women / transfeminine people in mind?

  • Rachel

    WOW! I’d never seen wooden sex toys before; they’re so beautiful!

  • Yes, that would be ideal.

  • lp

    This is so cool i’m not even sure where to start buy toys, but your blog helped!

  • bauerbauer

    Wow, the giveaway looks amazing. And now I’m scrolling through all your reviews, and they’re fantastic. Thank you!

  • Nicole

    I love your distaste for pink and purple. (While I do like these colors, I don’t want them for sex toys.) And I think your photos of your toys are beautiful. Also, I thoroughly enjoy your Jack-Off Journal and would love to see more entries! Basically, whenever I think about buying a toy, I come here first.

  • CarlyHo

    The part I like most about your blog is your crusade against EdenFantasys. I check out the massive EdenFantasys post for updates occasionally to see if the trainwreck has gotten even worse.

  • Vanessa

    This blog is so freeking awesome. I’m actually upset I never found it before

  • Guest

    Your blog gave me so much info on sex toys! My first toy was a $10 number for Spencers (gag)….so I’ve come (heh) a long way from your blog.

  • Kimberly Adamski

    Your blog gave me so much info on sex toys! My first toy was a $10
    number for Spencers (gag)….so I’ve come (heh) a long way from your
    blog. Thanks!

  • Sanguisette

    Oh, gods, where do I even start? You’re frank. I know that when I read your reviews you’re not going to bullshit me. You sound like the kind of person I’d talk to in real life again and again and again. Your photography is AMAZING.

  • KK

    I’d like to see more double sided toys for lesbian couples, if possible.

  • Tristan Liam

    This is awesome! I’m hoping to get the harness. My girlfriend and I can’t afford one right now, but it would make our lives a LOT easier (and more fun). Underwear doesn’t always make the best harness.

  • kateanon

    Thank you for an awesome giveaway, but more importantly for your snark, I couldn’t live without it.

  • Sara

    I love the no bullshit reviews. Love.

  • Red

    I love the honesty and specificity of the advice. No sugar coating and I love that.

  • Rebekah

    wow! I didn’t know so many variations existed! Thank you for such a thorough review. your healthy view of sexuality is inspiring!

  • Classy

    Your blog helped me make the best choice I could for my first sex toy. So thank you!

  • Heaven

    I love everything you have on your blog. I always look for emails from you in my inbox. I like knowing about you and your hubby and the way you speak just rocks my socks off. Keep it up this is a great giveaway and congrats on 5 years strong.

  • Wait, it’s your blogiversary and we get all the presents? Awesome.

    And so many to choose from…

    Ultimately, I went with the Tantus gift certificate. They were the first *real* product I purchased and Tantus has served me well.

    The happiest of blog anniversaries to you. Thanks for all you to make me more comfortable with myself…

  • Shadowed Seductress

    Yours was one of the first blogs I read and I love it. I wish you posted more frequently though. Your negative reviews are epic, the Rock Box is easily one of my favorite reviews ever. I have been wanting to get my hands on the Eroscillator for ages so that’s the one I’m wanting most.

  • HechodeOro

    I am soooo excited I found this blog. I need this in my life!

  • Callie Vita

    As a professional Sex Educator, I’ve gained so much information from your blog! As someone who loves high quality products, I’ve found some new favorites thanks to you. Congratulations on five years, and I look forward to your future posts!

  • Virginia

    Hey, without your blog I never would have bought a sex toy, ever. I thought they were all weird, sticky things sold at parties with annoying giggling people. One LELO Ella later (inspired by both you and Sugarcunt – I did a lot of blog-hopping) my sex life was never the same. Not even kidding. Now I have a rainbow Maverick, and lube that doesn’t give me crazy yeast infections, and a partner who is super excited about trying new toys with me. And best of all I can actually achieve orgasm sometimes, which, back in the pre-masturbation days, was a distant fantasy. GOOD JOB I WANT TO BAKE YOU A CAKE. I can’t even critique anything, my eyes are just full of stars.

  • Adam Hansen

    I’d like to hear a lot about toy stores throughout the US. I feel lucky Smitten Kitten is here in Minneapolis, but what else is there in hidden corners?

  • Meredith

    Love this blog. Just wish I had the money for the toys. Really happy to know about the Fun Factory Stronic, since I’m disabled and holding the toys can be a huge problem.

  • watchoutsally

    i came for the giveaway but i’m staying for the toy reviews! i never knew how many toys there were that i wanted in my butt

  • shiloh

    my favourite thing about your blog is your snark and your attitude. making posts really fun to read is just as important as the content.

  • xsentidax

    I’ve made my own harnesses before, and I really would love to try the Spareparts harness you have on here. It’s something I wouldn’t know how to replicate!

  • Frank

    Thank you!

  • Chelle

    Seriously, you rock! It’s been years since I have been able to find some place to get an honest hands-on review of the lovelies to add to my toybox!

  • I’ve been so interested in the Comet G since it was introduced!

  • I am strangely mesmerized by that gif of the Fun Factory Stronic Eins.

  • Demi

    So hard to choose!

  • Tuesday

    We don’t always agree on toys *cough*Eroscillator*cough* yet still I always want to know what you think of a toy before I buy it.

  • Lustfuleros

    This is so awesome. It’s great that so many are available to people outside the US! And such quality toys, too!!

  • Moose

    I really do enjoy this blog a lot. It has helped me a ton and is very entertaining to read. Keep doing what you’re doing! It makes me smile.

  • Tyler

    Aaaahh, fingers crossed! Love the blog so very much!!

  • Jess

    I really love your blog! It’s really informative and you use a style of language that really brings your personality across. I don’t know about other people but it makes me take your word a lot more seriously 🙂 hanks for the help!

  • ali

    oh man i definitely want those crystal ones! look at how fancy they are

  • Erin McKelle

    Love your blog! You’re reviews are spot on and your unique voice is great!

  • Dollie

    Excited to see a variety of toys for all places @.@

  • Chelsea

    Thank you thank you thank you!

  • Silverdrop

    I love how you use the toys over and over before pronouncing a verdict.

  • kitty

    this site is so cool, def sending it to my friends

  • thelesserunknown

    I’m glad to have found a reviewer with sex toy style rules to rival Strunk and White’s guide. Your recommendations, Epiphora, have led me to buy quite a few amazing toys from your list, and so far I haven’t been disappointed. I’d like to see more gender play or BDSM item reviews, if those are categories you’d be okay with doing. Whatever you choose to review, I approve of what you’re doing and your style!

  • Ellen

    Way excited for this chance!

  • Joe

    flowed a friend’s link to the giveaway and think i’ve found a new favorite blog!

  • Tyra E.

    I really love the set-up of the webiste. It’s easy to navigate.

  • Shelley

    Love the detailed yet hilarious reviews, the quality pics, and above all – the obvious honesty. When you & your mighty vag love something, it shows. 🙂

  • disqus_P1CNzmNPi5

    I love how straightforward and honest you are in all of your reviews, definitely refreshing

  • Sarah Ryland

    Can I just tell you how much I LOVE YOU!! You are the reason I have emerged from the sex toy dark ages and have avoided making horrible, horrible uninformed choices…your a saint whose vagina has suffered and rejoiced so that ours can too! I can’t even tell you how much I love your snark. <3

  • Jason

    I am looking forward to the crystal delights twist!

  • MeganIsHere

    I found this blog on Tumblr and now I am following it. 😀

  • deidara

    I’m new to this blog but let me just say your boyfriend’s one-sentence summary of the fleshlight is magical and i hope you have him review other things similarly.

  • Sanguine

    I like the honesty and detail that your reviews go into – you don’t leave anything out which, as someone who buys toys almost exclusively online, is very useful!

  • Just me

    OMG pick only one? How cruel. I like toys. You opened my eyes to some that I would have said no to. Now if only I could afford them all…

  • dramaqueen09

    I would love the gift certificate so i can get all the awesome stuff on the list (yes I’m greedy like that *evil laugh*)

  • Kiska Jolene Lucas

    How do you pick?

  • Kevin

    Epiphora, I came for better pictures of dildos than the stock photos, but stayed for the great reviews. The recent Ida review was a particular gem. I love it when you bring in your boyfriend!

  • Laura

    Your review of the nJoy Pure Plugs got me over my fear of anal sex. Have my eye on that nJoy Pure Wand for sure.

  • Joseph

    Great idea!

  • cheese sauce with everything

    I’ve never commented, but I check your blog all the time and have since I found your nJoy Pure Wand review. I keep coming back, mostly cause I love the background colour, but also cause my vagina is a black hole, too. Plus, I like quality dildos and reviews, so yeah.
    People should love dildos more.

  • granvillesbitch

    Just wanted to say that I absolutely love your blog and wish I had found it sooner. I’m still just getting started as a sex blogger, and your articles and reviews have been immensely helpful and entertaining.

  • Paige Turner

    Your blog has made me really, really, really, really, really want the Eroscillator 2 Plus. I don’t know how I’ve lived this long without it. Keep up the great work!

  • Tay

    I have no experience with toys… it all looks so fascinating and alien.

  • A Grand

    Your reviews are incredibly informative and I really enjoy the scope of products you review on your site. I didn’t have a lot of sex toy or porn knowledge before coming across your website, and your reviews and links have allowed me to make more informed purchases. I also enjoy how funny your writing is and have recommended you to several friends. The only real complaint I have is with your sidebar of blogs you read, I went looking through it the other day hoping to find other sex toy reviewers (I was looking to find reviews for double ended dildos and gender play gear) and it was a little confusing since the links didn’t really have categories. But that’s a nitpick.

  • Synful

    How did I JUST now find your blog??? It’s so amazing! I’m officially addicted and had to follow everywhere =3

  • em el ee

    I’ve been reading your blog for years and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

  • TaiSin

    You’ve been stuffing things in your vagina for five years and it’s still not full? Amazing…

  • Ashes


    I’m actually flushed in the face looking at this selection. Holy crapping crap.
    A little sad I can’t win the Stronic (Pug) Eins, but that Tantus gift card gave me butterflies (who doesn’t love Tantus, honestly?)

    Why does looking at photos of sex toys titillate me more than photos of sexy people? o_O

  • Ashes

    Oh shit, I just realized commenting was an entry xD

    Um. I love everything about your blog. I want to be your blog when I grow up.

    I seriously have no criticisms other than my vagina is not your vagina so sometimes we have different opinions? That’s not even criticism. I’m worthless at this.

  • Noelle

    When I found your blog my sex life became awesome! And thanks to you, I know I want the Pure Wand.

  • Robyn Armstrong

    Ever since I have discovered your blog I have stopped googling my sex toys. I don’t need any other website to tell me what’s what anymore. I used to think that just any review would do, as long as each one said more or less the same thing, then I’d try it. I wouldn’t be very pleased. For example, I HATED the We Vibe couples toy, but all the reviews I could find raved about how awesome it was.
    Then I found your blog and I realized that a lot of the reviews I had been reading didn’t seem all that legitimate. Yours was the first one I came across that seemed genuinely honest, as well as hilariously awesome. It’s entertaining, one of a kind, and I don’t think I can see myself reading any others. To be honest, you’re the first blog I’ve ever followed that has kept my attention for so long. ( I get bored pretty easily. )
    I love love love LOVE your blog. I can’t say enough about how much I appreciate it.
    And since I can’t find anything critical to say, I will just finish off with saying, boo! Boo to you and your dislike of Pink. I like pink, despite all it’s girly intentions. But all those other neon colours you’ve collected are pretty rockin’ too. 😉

  • Robyn Armstrong

    Oh! Happy 5 years by the way, that’s amazing! 🙂

  • Camryn Jones

    My vagina is so different from yours I read your reviews like they’re a series of fairy tales. “Once upon a time there was a princess who hated pink” *laughs* Anyway, since I read them for entertainment I appreciate the mouseover text, the links to your reviews/other reviews/YouTube, and the footnotes.
    Thank you for all the laughs. Congrats on 5 years!

  • Jalisa

    I love the tone of your post, and how happy you are to share your lovely knowledge and just as lovely toys. I actually LOL’d at “I don’t always use a harness…” <3

  • Rion

    I’m new to you…but want to explore more.

  • RJ

    Thanks to you, I decided to finally get my own toys. Unfortunately for me, I bought cheap ones that don’t fulfill me. I’m ready to get something to drive me wild.

    Also your photography is amazing. It’s my favorite part of your reviews(besides your snarky jokes)

  • Sue

    Things that you do well with your blog:

    1) Unbiased honesty

    This is probably the most important one (at least for me). In the words of George Orwell, “language is an instrument for expressing and not for concealing or preventing thought.” Your transparency in sharing your thoughts through your blog is not only refreshing but informational & inspirational. Your blog has become a gateway of joy for me (and many others i’m sure) as it’s enabled me to attain a better grasp of my sexuality (which was practically non-existent before)while continually perpetuating the ideal that doing so isn’t a bad thing.

  • Sue

    Things that you do well with your blog:

    1) Unbiased honesty

    This is probably the most important one (at least for me). In the words of George Orwell, “language is an instrument for expressing and not for concealing or preventing thought.” Your transparency in sharing your thoughts through your blog is not only refreshing but informational & inspirational. Your blog has become a gateway of joy for me (and many others i’m sure) as it’s enabled me to attain a better grasp of my sexuality (which was practically non-existent before)while continually perpetuating the ideal that doing so isn’t a bad thing.

  • Shrugpony

    My only true complaint is having to pick amongst the Eins (my partner vetoed – “too lazy”), the $150 Tantus giftcard, and the harness (which we sorely and desperately need a new one but gnash our teeth at prices). Harness won, but I am DROOLING over those other two.

  • Ali M

    Seriously I don’t know about your blog, I just saw this on tumblr while I was browsing, but that Eroscillator 2 bit you wrote above has made me very nosy to read more!

  • Danielle

    Hooboy, it’s been a long time since I’ve followed a sex-oriented blog, but I’ve just started to get my enjoyment of sex back after a really awful relationship. I think your blog (and lbr, this giveaway) has come at the perfect time for me! I’m already in love with your sense of humor and the freedom with which you talk about your sexuality! <3

  • Bartlet4Gallifrey

    If I don’t win, I’m going to head to Babeland and check out the We-Vibe Touch. I’m very intrigued by how something with only one button could be so great…

  • LusciousLollypop

    I’ve been following your blog for awhile, and it totally makes everything else look incredibly lame. 🙂

  • Molly McLeod

    I love that you are funny yet brutally honest. I know I can rely on you to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth : )
    I would even say you are responsible for my orgasms more than my boyfriend is – which makes me sound like a creeper – because if it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t discover the Eroscillator. So creepy or not, it’s true : )

  • all

    you’re snarky and have good reviews. woot! no complaints. thanks for the giveaway.

  • RaggedySam

    I just discovered your blog a few days ago and thank fucking god…. it’s so refreshing to hear honest reviews about toys, I’ve always wondered if something like this existed! Keep up the great work!

  • Brandi

    I am so happy to have stumbled across this blog! Yay for Tumblr. <3

  • This blog is relevant to my interests. I love toys. I don’t have nearly enough. This giveaway hits the spot 😀

  • The Wizard of Odd

    I love your hilarious descriptions! They make me laugh while letting me know exactly what to expect.

  • Brianna Sheldon

    I love that you blog about sex! There is never enough sex.

  • Kelsey

    All these look so amazing! But they’re soooo expensive. I think it’s really awesome of you to do a giveaway for us poor horny folk.

  • Beth

    I will now be spending the rest of my day reading your blog after being linked on Tumblr. Your reviews are SO good.

  • Yes

    This is fantastic.

  • Ka Seeker

    I am so glad I just found this blog from a link to the giveaway. I love how the descriptions of the products describe the sexiest parts of the toy and how they do their magic. It is far more understandable and descriptive than a bleak technical writer. Coming from a picky woman, who has worked in adult stores, this is incredibly helpful. Thanks!

  • alcoren

    I realy like your blog always interesting things to see 😉

  • Baroness

    Today is my 18th birthday. Winning this giveaway would be wonderful!

  • SubReiSkyeM

    I, like many others, love the brutal honesty in your reviews. I love how you go full hyperbole when you love/hate something and give imagery that is easy to understand. I think your blog makes me laugh (and learn) more than a lot of others as well, which is invaluable to me. I adore your no tolerance policy on shitty sex toys and the way you educate about toxic ones too.

    The only thing I could want more of on your blog is more cats – but that’s not really all that relevant, is it? 😛

  • Mary

    I enjoy how honest and funny your reviews are. You blog is also laid out wonderfully, which helps when exploring different categories.

  • Jamie D.

    I just found your blog through your giveaway post on tumblr, but I am loving the posts I’ve read so far. I love how you don’t pull your punches – if something didn’t absolutely wow you, you aren’t afraid to say so and why, regardless of how expensive it was and who sent it to you to try out. It also makes your fantastically exuberant positive posts seem all the more authentic!

  • L

    Are you sure that the Comet G and Eroscillator won’t ship to Ireland? When I lived in Ireland, every UK-based website delivered to Ireland as well. I know I ordered from lovehoney.co.uk a couple of times.

  • SinSkin

    Still on my search for the perfect butt plug, but you helped me alot with the Tantus Ryder!

    So, keep it up!

  • fun-e

    I love how honest your opinion is – also you are hilarious. Your specificity makes it easy to judge if I’ll like a toy because you’re not afraid to show the toy as it really is instead of amping it up or glorifying its functions. ILU!

  • Leen

    Your photos are amazing and I am super addicted to nail polish, so seeing someone else slowly falling down that hole is like. Good. I don’t feel alone, etc. (Also your review prompted me to buy the Tantus Cush and it basically made my life that much better and everything is sunshine and rainbows now).

  • SubReiSkyeM

    I don’t know who you’re talking about and I am totally curious. Anyone want to DM me on Twitter or email me or something? I’m a nosey bitch.

  • Teagan

    totally appreciate the amazing reviews <3 Makes shopping so much easier!

  • ncsparks

    I love your blog for all the honest and amazing toy reviews. I purchase 90% of my toys online and I always come to your blog to see if you’ve got a review on a product before I buy it!

  • Oh, it’s relevant.

  • Why thank you!

  • sabanana

    I must admit, I didn’t go for the Eroscillator 2 simply because I assume the turnout for that toy (being so praised and expensive) will be insane.

    But as a more general comment, before this site, I relied almost completely on site reviews at Babeland. Those were nice and all, but if a lady’s only ever used her JimmyJane chroma, of course she’s going to like it! The level of quality that you expect from products is truly refreshing, as is your willingness to ruffle feathers in search of honesty. Would that I had reviewers I trusted as much as I trust you for all arenas of my life!

  • I take that as a GREAT COMPLIMENT.

  • I do very much dislike the single button interface. But almost everything else is excellent.

  • There is no such thing as “too lazy.”

  • Wow, I am so honored!

  • Told you my vag was a black hole.

  • That’s a good point. I have considered moving my blogroll to its own page, which would allow me to categorize links more easily. But I wonder if people would be annoyed that it was not in the sidebar anymore?

  • A+++ to this comment but also mostly your username.

  • And he hates it! Hahaha.

  • Oh god, yeah, never trust on-site reviews at sex shops. Funny you mention the Little Chroma because on-site reviews of that toy were what spurred me to finish my review of it. Piece o’ shit.

  • Haha, a verdict.

  • As long as you can prop it against something, it’ll go to town. If you do end up getting it at some point, I’d love to snag a guest review from you!

  • I do believe this page is relevant to your interests.

  • Damn! Your words are more delicious than a cake.

  • That is the COOLEST compliment EVER. My boyfriend is a synesthete, but he just sees colors for musical notes/keys. BORING. I prefer to be Captain Crunch!

  • Unfortunately I am a cis woman and because I base this giveaway almost solely on toys I’ve tried and loved, there is a slant toward toys I’ve used. However, several of these toys are great for the G-spot/prostate (Pure Wand, Comet G Wand, Seduction), and several are awesome (and made for) the butt (Romp, Pure Plug). There also might be something up your alley on Tantus’ site that you could use the $150 gift certificate on.

    If there is something in particular that you would love to win, certainly let me know. I want folks to enter for toys that they want!

  • Yeah, I did notice that. I am actually insanely picky about external/clitoral toys! So I don’t have a ton of favorites. Luckily I was able to secure two Mona 2s!

  • Patrick

    And there I did the dumb thing. Choosing the Pure Plug before checking whether my country is a free delivery one. Well, too bad. Thanks for five years of wonderful blogging.

  • Tom

    I like how you’re no-nonsense about a toy you don’t like.
    Also, when you asked whether or not you’d like the Ida, I totally called that you wouldn’t like it.

  • razor_poet

    I use your reviews for toy window shopping. And any time I’m looking at something, I see if you’ve said anything about it before I consider buying it. When I heard about the Stronic Eins, I came straight here to see if you’d heard of it.

  • Hal

    I like your candor, and that you make collecting sex toys sound like the most normal thing in the world. I wish I could talk about this stuff with my friends, but we are not open like that. It would feel weird. On this site, though, I feel like it’s no big deal. I hope, someday, women are a lot more open about this stuff in general. Maybe your blog will help get us there.

  • Alyssa Jayne

    Um… Jules seems to have summed it up pretty well. You and Oh Joy, Sex Toy are pretty much the only sex toy blogs I read now. You are awesome, and I love getting emails saying you have a new post – the posts usually make my day. 🙂 My little sister just got married and when she turned to me for advice I was amazed to find that I actually could give it thanks to your blog. She is now using Sliquid and has been warned away from buying cheap shitty toys on Amazon. :O

  • Kizz

    What an amazing group of toys to choose from. Thank you!

  • Teacup

    I absolutely love this blog! If I’m going to purchase something I always check here first for reviews. How are you finding the Tantus paddle, I’m thinking of getting one.

  • TaiSin

    I can just see you, after each mission (or “session” as you call it), chalking up each toy as Killed, Wounded, or Missing In Action.

  • claire turner

    i love your site because its full of great information, just what i need

  • Otto

    I love the quality of your reviews and the pictures.

  • Meredith

    I don’t see it happening soon, sadly (posted the comment before I checked out the price), but I’ll let you know.

    And now you’ve started me dreaming about having a disability-friendly sex toy blog!

  • Brittni

    I was so happy to find your blog over a year ago. Your brutally honest reviews have been a pleasure to read. After reading your extensive review of the Pure Wand, I picked one up myself – and I am SO HAPPY that I did. Now before I buy any toys, I look to see if it has been reviewed by you before I buy. You would never steer your loyal readers in the wrong direction! It is also worth noting that in August I visited an incredible sex toy shop in Philadelphia – and I mentioned your blog to one of the workers. We both spent some time nerding out about your blog, and she told me that she won something from one of your past giveaways. So indeed, dreams do come true! Thanks for everything you do. 🙂

  • marylennox

    Epiphora – you just rock, seriously. Not only do I find out about interesting new toys, I don’t even question your reviews because to me they just make sense. Keep up the phenomenal work, girl!

  • Julia P.

    I love your blog! I find your reviews super informed and honest, and I definitely take your advice when I’m shopping for a new toy. I’m entering the giveaway for the Crystal Delights Star Delights because I’ve never tried a glass toy before, and your reviews about things I haven’t tried (many!) always make me super curious.

  • meg

    I love your blog and thanks to your reviews I have picked up a number of amazing toys, namely the Njoy Pure Plug. Your review made me brave enough to give the plug a go and now I can’t imagine sexy fun times without it. Like, ever.

  • Kasia

    been following your blog for a couple years now and quite enjoy your newsletters!!

  • tonyinabag

    oh man i have wanted to try out a shiloh for ever since i saw them. that would be the best thing ever.

    mazel tov on 5 years of sexxing it up for science!

  • Justtyn Hutcheson

    I could not possibly love this blog more. You are the first sex toy blogger I ever read, and you will always be #1 in my book. Oh, and my wife has been sincerely wowed by many of your recommendations!

  • perpetualmarble

    I love the sheer amount of reviews you have! Basically I could find anything and you’d have tried it.

  • sputnik2

    I’m a design snob and your site is lovely.

  • Firenze

    This is hands-down the BEST sex toy and education resource anyone could ask for. I’ve been devouring the entire archive and it’s so, so great 🙂

  • neongrey

    Hey, uh, what if you need to change what prize you want to win? I may have just snagged a Comet wand for forty bucks off Pink Cherry (.ca, lavender only, if anyone else wants that crazy deal) but that was what I put myself down for.

  • BlackAsphodel

    I can’t give much constructive criticism as I just stumbled upon your blog, but from now I’ll be a loyal follower seeing as you are an expert in the sex toy department. XD I read snippets of your reviews while trying to decide which prize I want to win and I love your enthusiasm and honesty! Keep writing like that and I’ll be satisfied! 😉

  • queen DJ

    Thank you for providing such an informative blog. Sex toys are an expensive hobby of mine and it’s great that I can trust your judgement to help me pick out something that’s great for my partners as well as myself.

  • Purity_Riot

    I can’t believe I’m only just learning about your blog! I can promise you that I’ll be visiting it more often now, and I’m subscribed to your newsletter too, so I’m sure I’ll get plenty of updates and reminders~!

  • thisshortenough

    I’m pretty inexperienced so a blog like this is absolutely perfect for me,

  • I’m not even a sextoy blogger but reading your blog for maybe a year now? Has helped me improve a lot! Footnotes, yaaaayyyy!
    But back to the sextoys. Your reviews are awesome and now I know what to put on my wishlist and what to never touch, not even with the longest stick in history.
    Even if I don’t regularly buy toys [student budget, eh] it is always entertaining to read and the fact that you like turquoise and hate pink makes me SO HAPPY!!! Keep it up, your snark is the best!

  • Sarah

    I love your blog! It’s like the snarky CNET of sex toys.

  • Sarah P

    This is so awesome! I love recommending your site to others, for starters, plus I always feel like I learn so much when I read your posts. Thanks 🙂

  • Mack

    Jeepers criminey, I love your blog so much. I’ve been an avid reader for about a year now, but I wish I’d found it sooner. I love sex toys, I love your writing style, and I love being able to find out whether or not a toy is good without buying it. You’ve helped me make some important decisions about what to get when I’m feeling generous towards myself.

  • SeAira

    We love your blogs had to bookmark so I wouldn’t loose the web address every time I clear my history lol

  • Atreau

    I like that you’re honest with your opinions.

  • Would kill for piza

    Oh my god this is the best thing ever! 😀

    Also this sounds like a cliche, but I love that your reviews are brutally honest, don’t use weird euphemisms for vaginas, and don’t read like something out of a fanfiction 🙂

  • Aeondolphin

    I’ve read you blog multiple times when looking for new toys to buy. It has been very helpful and I found my standby through this site. Really thankful.

  • Krissy Novacaine

    You have helped me so much in my blogging. I love how honest and snarky you are. My only complaint is how busy and cluttered your sidebars feel. I know why you have everything there, but it is a bit distracting and overwhelming.

  • Sarah

    this is amazing!!!! soooo generous!

  • Niko

    When ever I am buying something new I check to see the reviews on this blog.

  • Raven Quince

    Oh. My. God. Your annual blogiversary giveaways get more and more epic. I’m so glad that I have been reading you since you started in 2008. I think you are fantastic and you and your mighty vagina win the Internet of sex toys. 🙂

  • Don’t make fun of me… I started getting all emotional thinking about reading your site when I first started out and how much you’ve helped me and stuff.

    Also, wandering uterus.

  • Alex F.

    I’ve loved reading your blog for a while – awesome to have sex positive women about!

  • Frankie

    I’d love it if you had some sort of scale for the squishyness of silicone. Or if you posted pictures of toys being squished. I really like to know how much give to expect since I but the majority of my toys online. That’s probably the biggest thing I’d add to your blog. Mostly I love it and await the day my vagina is also a black hole.

  • Elisia

    I love your blog!!! It has really helped me to educate myself, get creative with self-love and learn to enjoy quality time with myself, in my own body. As someone who has lived through sexual abuse and tried to medicate this experience in unhealthy ways in the past, learning from you has helped me to form a healthy relationship with my sexuality and my body again. Sex with my partner is getting better the more I take the time to get to know myself, too.

    Truly, thank you and keep doing what you are doing… you probably have no idea how much it really helps people. 🙂

  • nuala macmoragh


    You. Are. Awesome.

    I really couldn’t agree more on everything Jules has said here. I actually came to the site to give someone a link to ethical porn and then got spazzed over the giveaway.

    I think sex toys are easy to trivialize, but they are really more than toys–they’re tools for discovering how your body works sexually. The internet has removed the stigma from sex toy shopping and porn viewing for women, but without being able to see the products and talk to anyone about them, it’s impossible to know what’s actually worthwhile. Many of these products are pricey, and you’ve made the case for their value by thoroughly explaining how and why they work (even if all they do is churn butter) taking into account your preferences and noting how they may be different from those of your readers. You have the experience to know what to expect from a high end product, so you address considerations that many of us shopping may not have even thought about. You’ve made me a more critical sex toy consumer, to be sure.

    We should be creating a giveaway for you, but you’re like the enthusiast who already has everything–whatever would we get you?

  • nuala macmoragh

    The one thing I think I might nit pick is that I often go to other sites (oh noes!) to get a better idea of the size or shape of a toy. So maybe more photos to show the scale–comparing to another toy, for instance. I love your photos, but I’m not always able to see the product in person, and the manufacturer’s photos aren’t always particularly illuminating. You were wonderful to photograph the njoy Pure Plugs for me next to a Tantus Ryder, which I already had. Those pure Plugs were the gateway drug to butt toys for me. The medium Pure Plug is still my favorite. Oh yes, and please review more butt toys! I’m not even going to attempt a black hole joke.

    Because of your reviews, I already own 12 out of the 18 items here. I don’t believe I need a Fleshlight, and I’m not into packing, so this narrows my choices down to the Tantus GC, the WeVibe Touch, The Buck or the Stronic Eins, and this is a tough, tough choice.

    Thanks again for your wealth of knowledge and experience, and for the much needed snark.

  • whimsica

    Your blog helped me feel better about my ever-growing toy collection. Someday in the near future I’ll be starting my own sex blog where I can spread word of the awesomeness of steel and teal.

  • FYP_Toby

    Epiphora you are awesome. I am with For Your Pleasure company as a Independent Business consultant. I find this information very useful especially when I have a show and I have someone ask me about a specific toy I can refer to your blog to help answer their questions better.

  • AlchemicalBurn

    Epiphora, it’s thanks to you and fellow sex toy reviewers that I aim to have – and give – the best orgasms ever felt in this delightful planet. Your blog is my primary reference whenever I go shopping for sex toys (what materials I should avoid, what kind of toys hit the g-spot better, what kind of lube is better suited for sensitive vaginas, etc) or browse for awesome porn movies. Hell, I even bought The Feminist Porn Book because you gush (teehee) so much about it, and it was one extremely fascinating reading!

    What else can a Brazilian girl say? Thank you. Thank you so very much. Despite my country being big on semi-nudity and provocative dances, sexual pleasure is still viewed as something that only cisgendered men can claim; cis women still have to live with the Madonna/Whore dichotomy, and trans* people are barely considered at all in the equation. It’s people like you who make a difference!

  • Heather

    I love that your blog is so blunt!

  • Cory

    Love your blog! Your reviews have been super useful.

  • Brittany F.

    Love this! Heard about your blog and I’ll definitely be subscribed and reading your blog.

  • themisskat20

    I love your blog because your reviews are refreshingly honest AND hilarious, rolled into one. I also love how much you have helped everyone with their blogs since the EF fallout.

  • Kath

    My friend sent me a link to this and I’ve been reading all your reviews–ahh, thank you! I’ve been looking for a good sex positive/feminist toy blog for a long time. You’re fantastic.

  • Jules O

    Man, I’ve been looking for ages for a blog about sex toys that I liked! Your giveaway has directed me here and I’m for sure going to be sticking around. My g-spot’s gonna be ~so~ ~frickin~ ~pleased~.

  • Tadiera

    I am actually kind of insanely jealous of you and also love your blog. XD I’d love to review toys and help spread the liberation and understanding of sex.

  • I can’t believe there’s a thrusting toy. Damn, do want.

  • CAM

    Far too excited to potentially try out some rather fun toys.

  • Dani

    After reading your review of the LELO Mona 2, I had to try and win it. It sounds AMAZING!

  • Tegan

    I only just found this website from tumblr but it is something I have been looking for for so long! Finally a place that has reviews that aren’t company ones and I love the 10 best and 10 worst of the year posts!!!

  • Slut Bunwallah

    quick pinterest-related note: my mom follows me on pinterest. this should be exciting!

  • Quinn Carpenter

    I don’t know what you could do to improve because it’s one of the best blogs I’ve seen. Everything is well organized, the reviews are fun to read while still being way informative, the color scheme is easy on the eyes, and I love how trans* friendly it is. Please, keep right on with what you’re doing.

  • Isaac

    it was so hard to pick one, but I know what I want now 🙂 if I don’t win I might have to buy some of these eventually

  • Quinn Carpenter

    Sada’s right, they are really nice. I especially like the use of the gif!

  • Emma Darling

    I love your blog 🙂 Keep up the good work!

  • Lea

    Hope I win!! I used to sell Sex toys and I have a whole bag to still sell but I hope I win this one for myself!!

  • Beatrice

    What a great page! Love it!

  • Devon

    Your blog is so freakin awesome. One criticism: I wish that when you clicked links they opened in a new tab.

    Fingers crossed for the pure wand!

  • ImaginaryVillage

    I’ve only recently found your blog, and have been trying out sex toys for a very short while, but I’m glad I did! Your reviews are so informative and funny, and they’ve shown me what a wealth of options there are out there. Thank you for helping me build my future awesome collection! 🙂

  • firiona

    I found your blog several years ago and the sex positivity plus hilarious writing blew my mind for a time when I was barely able to figure out masturbation. It gave me great ideas of toys I wanted to buy that I couldn’t really afford. I bought some of them anyway and that began my exploration of toys. I forgot about your blog for a while and rediscovered it recently… and promptly bought more toys after catching up in reviews. Now I link reviews, giveaways, and sale information I find here to my boyfriend and friends, so I’m terribly happy your blog is still here. While I hope my friends win things from this giveaway, they damn well better not win what I want.

  • RajenRoy

    Great love making
    techniques help set you apart from any lover she’s had previously.


  • gypsylibrarian

    That is a big list for giveaways. Decisions, decisions. Anyhow, glad I have added you now to my feed reader. Best, and keep on blogging.

  • sade

    super excited about the possibility of sharing vixskin with my partner. Love your blog – you provide a valuable service!

  • Jane

    I reaaaallly want that harness!

  • Adfectus13

    I’ve been looking for sex toys recently and even if I don’t win, this is a perfect place to start! Thanks!

  • Trix

    Love, love your honesty, thorough testing dedication, and humor. The only thing I wish for sometimes is some porn advice for those of us who prefer watching the manlove (Lord knows I’m not the only girl with no desire to watch het, and it’s such a minefield out there!). Maybe a guest reviewer you trust?

  • BlackOrchid

    I love your blog because you review the most bad-ass toys around!

  • Kelly

    I *love* your blog, the snarkiness, educatedness, and the colors (YAY blues and greens!). I love reading and staring at all the interesting toys. I only have a very cheap vibrator (goes through batteries like it’s nothing), so I am crossing my fingers for the Mona.

  • elle

    You are fabulous! This blog turned me on to LELO and beyond . . . pun intended. Ahem.

  • Andromeda

    I love reading your blog, even if I know it’s a toy I know I can’t handle. Before I found you I just had novelty toys, which I realize now wasn’t good. I was debating between 2 toys and found your blog searching for reviews. One was scathing and hilarious (did not get that one), and the other was good (LELO Siri). My vagina thanks you, I have loved everything I bought that you gave good reviews. I just wish I had more money to expand my collection.

    Random comment, I was driving and saw another car and thought “Epiphora would love that car.” It was turquoise.

  • Darcy

    Love, love, love this giveaway and hope, hope, hope that the one I win will be the magic g-spot ticket (since the Pure Wand is still mysteriously unable to do it!!!)

  • Nail Art Novice

    I love how brutally honest you are, and funny too-it’s a great read! Also the amount of links you have to other posts is also good, because it means you can find everything you want to know in one place. The rant about pink had me in stitches too-totally agree!!

    The only thing I would like to see more of really is more “budget” toys-ones that don’t cost 3 figures as I cannae afford anything like that much and have to currently stick to my not so good, pre Epiphora investments. I know cheaper isn’t necessarily better but I want to have fun without bankrupting myself! For now, I’ll just have to keep dreaming and racking up an impressive wishlist for when I win the lottery!

  • Lanie

    I usually just lurk, but I’m a sucker for giveaways. This is the first blog I check when I’m thinking of getting something new. You’ve helped me with a purchase in the past via ask-box (Pure Wand ftw). Thank you!

  • Myrkskog

    I really like your blog. It gives me ideas on what to try since I am new to this using an object for self pleasuring thing. Especially since I really don’t want to fork out money for something that will burn my vag…ewwww. That and I’m shy and trying to shake some of the baggage I have around my sexuality so I can get on with enjoying myself

    I didn’t know there was so much variety in toys and I’m glad you’re willing to give things a go. That in itself gives me courage to be willing to try something that I couldn’t have imagined myself considering not too long ago.

    I only wish I could have entered for the Pure Wand but alas, I don’t live in the US.

    Thank you 🙂

  • Jamie

    I didn’t get the reference, but this made me giggle.

  • Jamie

    I’m not gonna lie; I’ve been subscribed since at least 2012, but I am the worst blog reader ever. I do like that it’s not all cluttered and hard to use those!

  • Carri

    I honestly just trust your reviews, they’re in depth and informative. I always check here to see if you’ve reviewed a toy I’m interested in and after not heading your warning of the SaSi, I always sleep on it for a few days before buying something. Even when I’ve had a different opinion I like seeing your POV.

  • Myrkskog

    Also I hope Rafflecopter won’t publish full names as I realised I’d put mine after the fact. I put a different name (same email) and it still came up with my entries which is good and hopefully it changed it.

    I’m really enjoying reading not just the blog, but the discussion in the comments too.

  • RM

    I’m so grateful for your blog, you are seriously the reason I use sex toys today (and being in a long-distance relationship, that’s helped me in more ways than one!) <3 you Epiphora!

  • A

    I’ve got a frustrated friend (haha I know how that sounds) but she’s always been really wary of toys (for one reason or another). Directed her to your blog and giveaway hoping she might be enticed, and might win something in order to start experimenting. Testimonials really just don’t amount to the same thing as experience!

  • Sara in Brooklyn

    I am deeply grateful for your hard work, insight, research, and yea, verily, occasionally wasted time with an unworthy product. When I was young and foolish, I thought “sex toy” was redundant. Thank you for enlightening us all.

  • Marianne Todd Pratt

    I am new to this blog but i am about to look it over :0)

  • Bing

    OMG so excited about this… also I think I have fallen into a dark hole of sex toy review reading.

  • oxbonkus

    Your reviews are hilarious, informed, and informative–everything you could ask for in a reviewer.

  • michelle

    just introduced my boyfriend to your blog, he is now as hooked as I am!! He is who wanted to come and see what you had put up lately today and the reason we found this!!

  • Artemisia FemmeCock

    I came to your blog for the reviews and I found a wealth of honest knowledge. I was so used to seeing cliche reviews that really discouraged me from writing my own, fearing that I’d enter into this community that judges toys on how much they don’t look like you use them to get off and how “discrete” the packaging is. Your blog helped me start my own blog, and seeing you make so many people happy by being yourself is fucking inspiring. Thank you!

  • You know I love your blog! I have never read other sex toy reviews that are as funny and entertaining as yours. And I love your photos as well (and I am definitely a bit picky when it comes to photography.) I can’t think of anything I’d change, honestly.

  • Hilary

    I bought my first sex toy thanks to Epiphora and this amazingly hilarious blog!!

  • Sporktacular

    Smart, snarky and sexy…your blog is such a treat!

  • anna

    Wow, this is the best giveaway I’ve seen in a while. I’m new here but loving your blog!

  • Alex

    I couldn’t remember if I already posted a comment. You’re the reason I felt I NEEDED to pay an exorbitant amount to ship a VixSkin Mustang all the way to Australia (well, you and the fact that it was in tie-dye, WHICH IS SO AMAZING. Also awkward since I kind of want to leave it out and look at it all the time.)

    Actually, come to think of it you’re the reason I set one of my old vibrators on fire in the name of science (it was a purple rabbit vibrator SHAPED LIKE A RABBIT. I was so witty as an 18-year-old).

    The lesson is: shitty purple vibrators go up in REALLY pretty green flames, and the Mustang is my new sex toy spirit animal. Also, the Mustang DOES NOT burn. Phew.

  • You know I’m a big fan of yours and I love everything about your blog. Your reviews and content are just so entertaining and a pleasure to read. And then your pictures are just so awesome. I seriously have no idea what you can do to change…Maybe rearrange the sidebar? XD

  • Fire

    You’ve made me feel a lot better about how tight I am, and given me hope that over time (and with a lot of “effort,” i.e. masturbation) penetration will get easier. Plus, you’re seriously making me reconsider my “no non-vibrating dildos” stance. Maybe the two items are linked…

    I always look to you when thinking about new sex toy purchases and if I had an infinite cash flow, hot damn, I would be buying every vibrator I could get my hands on. Thank you for your helpful, snarky, and fun reviews!

  • anna

    Your blog is amazingly informative and a joy to read. Your opinions contribute to not only educating readers like me but also to supporting the industry of healthy pleasure objects versus cheap novelty. Thank you.

  • What I love most about your blog is you’ve found your own voice and run with it. And in doing so you’ve become by far the most influential blogging role model for me personally. As I’m feeling my way through establishing my own blog, reading yours inspires me to share however I want instead of writing to pre-set standards. HeyEpiphora.com bears witness to the fact that with a unique voice and sheer effort amazing things can be achieved. It’s really quite incredible.

    A suggestion for improvement? Shrink your banners with tinypng. You *did* say we could be nitpicky…

  • Blair Smuttily

    Your blog is the best resource I have found for ethical sex toy reviews and other related info since I got interested in the subject. I won’t get overly heartfelt about it, but blogs like yours make the internet a better place 🙂

  • Sara S

    I’ve been burned on a few purchases before; they’ll have “best ever!” reviews, but are so disappointing when they arrive. And really, that’s a lot of money to lose on bad reviews. I bought the Mona on your suggestion, and it is wonderful, wow. I am a convert, and always check your site before making purchases now!

  • Bob Harwelle

    Have been loving the flashlight so far. I prefer the Tenga Flip but the Fleshlight is more durable.

  • Asia Riley

    I love your blog! It has yet to steer my vagina wrong!

  • Kiwi

    Just found your blog while googling sex toys, love it 🙂

  • creus

    Aw man, would love to win one of these…. long distance relationships are lame, my vagina demands better.

  • sqrrlgrl

    I love your tone and matter-of-factness! Plus, you have similar taste to me (especially re: not being faint of vagina) so it makes me feel surer in your recommendations.

  • CMS

    Great idea, love the toys and your style of writing. Keep it up 🙂

  • J Bailey

    I love you, Epiphora! I emailed you a few months ago about the Smart Wand and you got back to me in no time. Thanks for that. 🙂

  • jet

    The only problem with this competition? It’s FAR too hard to choose! 🙂

  • Artemis

    Brand spankin’ new here, but what I have seen so far is F-A-B! Looking forward to learning more before I make my next purchases.

  • June

    I just wanted to thank you for this giveaway, which led to one of my acquaintances posting this site on Facebook, which led me to this site, which led my fiancé and I not to purchase a certain sex toy. As a gal who doesn’t have the kind of gal pals who use (or, at least, who are openly willing to discuss) sex toys, you are fabulous to share your opinions and insight.

  • Amanda

    Hey! If I’m honest I haven’t read your blog before but I am going to now because this contest is dooope and skimming through your blog now it looks like everything I never knew I needed. Sorry, wish I could be more specific/helpful!

  • silvia

    i truly want to win this, especially seeing i chose one of your faves

  • NoMoreWetSpot

    Love it!!

  • Jade

    I SO want to know which is the most popular choice!

  • shannon

    I love review blogs, and I absolutely love toy reviews, so just, I don’t know, thank you so much for this. It’s awesome and empowering <3

  • Juily Vasandani

    Hi, oh my gosh, this is basically the best thing I’ve ever seen and I’m turning 18 on Wednesday, so I literally want to gift myself with one of these things, so thanks so much! This is making me really happy and I just went through your blog and wow I feel like I’ve learnt more in the ten minutes I’ve spent on your blog than the whole time I’ve been at school, so thanks 🙂

  • KD

    I love you! Like sweet Jesus I love you

  • Jessica


  • Thomas Waldrop

    I really appreciate the amount of detail and effort you put into your reviews and guides.

  • Mook64

    I really want to win something to give my girlfriend!

  • H

    thank youuuu!

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for the giveaway, I’ve never had a toy, maybe I’ll get lucky!

  • Dominique Richardson

    Everything about this blog is perfect. Epiphora, you cannot imagine how helpful, informative, and entertaining we all think you are. It’s incredible to have someone be 10000% honest in their reviews and know you’re getting reliable info.

  • Teresa

    This is awesome!

  • Blasemy

    Okay. So this blog has taught me more about sex toys than any other blog. And for that I thank you so very much!

  • Sabrina

    Oh my, I’m so glad I found this blog 😀

  • K

    Not sure you understand how much I really need to win one of these 😉

  • allira

    I love your blog! I never buy a toy without dashing over here to read your take on it first. Congrats on five years!

  • Heather

    looks like alot of fun!!

  • jA

    would <3 2 hear how much/bothersome Vibrations are in vibe handles . hand pain/tendonitis 🙁

  • Lonnie

    This is the best sex toy blog I’ve ever seen. Ever. And funny as hell. Whenever I think about your hate for the color pink I start laughing, even though I know you really do despise it so I’m not laughing at your pain. There is always something new here and I am such a sucker for a strange new toys. Please keep up the good work.

  • Courtney Griffin

    Ok I haven’t even heard of some of these,and I love researching new toys to try. Awesome.

  • Shiromisa

    Omg, this is like Christmas come early! I can’t wait to see if I won!

  • chamekke

    This is my first visit to your site. I came here to read your reviews, but feel very lucky to be able to enter a draw as well. Awesome site – I’m looking forward to exploring it thoroughly 🙂

  • Story_of_Ocelot

    I started reading your blog a few months ago, but have been kinda shy. I love your sarcasm and honesty, of course, but I consider you a model of feminism. It’s easy to get angry, but you’ve positioned yourself in a way that allows you to tell a whole industry, in a fairly direct manner, why they’re fucking up while also giving more attention to companies who operate ethically. And you do it in a way that brings good vibes to the world (pun definitely intended) rather than just being defeated over and over again. As someone who has burnt out of activism, I’m inspired by that.

  • BruisedNBroken

    Congrats on 5 years hun!! that is a huge accomplishment =) I can’t wait to read more reviews and just every days ramblings from you =)

  • Kegan

    I am so happy you’re doing this giveaway, wouldn’t have known about your blog at all without it!

  • Angiede

    This was such an amazing find! Your blog, not the contest–though both really perked up my day

  • Kayla

    Awesome giveaway! ^_^

  • Avery Cooper

    Love the honesty in your reviews!

  • Lux

    I am the excite!

    Also, a review of this would make my life complete

  • spacekitteh

    Honestly, I just found this site, for I was going to buy a Form2. Thanks for saving me the money!! 😀

  • Congrats on five years, you old fart!!

    (Also, that moving vibrating Fun Factory gif made me laugh out loud. So thanks!)

  • Choosing is so hard! Either way though I love the blog, thanks for being rad!

  • Justin

    I love this blog! I’ve been looking for good sex toy reviews for awhile.

  • Victoria Reuveni

    I wish I had known about your blog sooner, but as it is, I’m kind of obsessed! I’ve kept a tab open in my browser for the better part of two weeks luxuriating in the style of your site. It’s everything I aspire to be and do (except as a sexologist). I love, love, love it! Thank you for doing what you do!

  • Monique Boulanger

    Oh em Gee…this is so awesome! you rock for doing this

  • Genevieve

    Oh.. my.. gosh…
    I never thought I could fall in love with a dildo, but the Crystal Delights Crystal Twist… is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen… *u*
    Thank you so much for introducing me! <3
    If I don't win the giveaway, I might just have to buy one myself! 😀

  • Kate

    I really wish a VixSkin Maverick was one of the prize options. I’ve been lusting after one for ages. It would have made picking an entry super-easy, but of course there’s still tons of good stuff here!

  • Fodra Sun

    It took me a while to figure out what to say, but I’ve finally got it. Reading your reviews encouraged me to try out dildos, I’m hoping to get my first one soon, and I’m intending to review it. Also, you’ve pointed out some vibrators that might work for me, including a few I wrote off initially, so thanks for that. Congrats on five years, and let’s hope for many more years of your wonderful snark and brutal honesty.

  • Miss Cojonuda

    The Pure Plug could very well be an ossified dolphin fetus and nobody would even know. Is it bad that I don’t care?

  • D. Silent

    I just have to say thank you for five years of this blog. It’s simultaneously entertaining and educational, and has turned me on to toys I never would have thought to consider otherwise, as well as reintroduced me to a few I’ve lusted for over the years. I actually made a special trip into town to Good Vibes to pick up the Maverick after reading your review for it, and I have not been disappointed. It’s been my go-to toy ever since (and yes, Vixskin toys are amazeballs). Here’s hoping your blog is around for another five years of delicious sex toy goodness and longer!

  • messycupcakes

    new follower love all the info and reviews!

  • Fox

    Thank you for running this! Wow – the hardest part by far was picking one option. I feel like the Pokemon Trainer of sex toys right now – I want to catch them all!

    I only discovered you recently, but wanted to thank you for the care you go to to make your blog entries pertain to anatomy, not gender identity. As someone agendered, it’s so lovely to see reviews that aren’t packed full of gender essentialist – and therefore alienating – writing.

    (Plus, I totally hear you on the pink. Ugh.)

  • Miss Cojonuda

    Epiphora, I have to say I always admired the design of your blog. I wonder why some links on the sidebar are so tiny. Does it denote sth, like moderate endorsement? Or is it because those sites are not toy-centric? Just curious 😉

  • CY

    I love that you rant about pink because while my favourite colours aren’t always the same as yours I wish there were more choices and that more of them were bold colours and maybe patterns.
    I also enjoy the writing and the snark. While I mostly read your blog for entertainment every now and again it gives me ideas and you definitely pushed me over the edge of considering the njoy Pure Wand. It’s so very lovely and worth it.

  • Emma

    The giveaway is a fantastic thing, but it hurts to see so many beautiful sex toys with ‘US only’! As a New Zealand sex toy lover I think I have spent similar amounts on shipping sex toys as I have on the toys themselves! Okay, well not quite. But it’s a lot. Plus lots of sites won’t ship out here.

    Anyway, I want to say thank you. Your reviews are some of the first I discovered, and they are really wonderful. You share my hatred of pink and lilac (ever since I was a kid) and get just as excited over toys in lime green or ORANGE. My boyfriend just sits there and shakes his head at me as I fangirl over an exciting shade of turquoise.

    What’s more your reviews are clear, well written and occasionally sassy. They are genuinely fun to read and you have helped a lot in several purchasing decisions (Mona 2/Njoy Plugs <3).

    Thank you for all you do here!

  • Kate Ross

    Hey! If you want more toys to hoard ; )

    If you want 15% off at EdenFantasys (Sex toys, beginner BDSM, Lingerie) use the
    coupon code UQF- http://www.edenfantasys.com/#pcode-UQF

  • steffystars

    Your blog is awesome. I have learned so much since I started following. Thanks!

  • theanneh

    Your blog is probably one of the funniest I’ve ever read. I’m always entertained by it and I’ve learned a lot about toys as well. x3

  • xteec3

    I stumbled upon your blog due to my fiance’s niece “accidentlly” posting the link to your giveaway in her timeline on Facebook. I’m rather glad I saw the post before she deleted it. I’ve doing g-spot play on and off for years but I usually give up because I yet to achieve desired results. So glad that you have so many reviews on your blog! I can’t wait to get started!

  • Chazona

    As someone who has only occasionally used toys, I am astounded by the wealth of knowledge you have shared on this blog. I am never resorting to Amazon reviews on these again!

  • Darcie

    Your blog actually helps me quite a bit, i work in a sex store in toronto and reading your reviews allows me to pass on info to my ccustomers. thank you <3 !

  • Bookworm

    I’m ashamed to say I haven’t actually read your blog much…My boyfriend linked me to the giveaway. I think I’m going to start reading through some reviews though, I’d really love to learn more about different sex toys and maybe get some ideas for some new ones I’d like! I’m already pleased to find out that there’s a thrusting vibrator (the one in the giveaway), I didn’t realize that existed…and now I seriously want one! Thank you, both for a blog on something like this and for the giveaway. *runs off to start reading*

  • Alexia Harvours

    I love the unabashed honesty in your reviews.

  • Sherryna

    I so would have chosen VixSkin Mustang especially after reading your latest post, but I don’t live in US. 🙁 Anyways, great toys again to select from. I visit your blog several times a week just to see if there’s anything new. Keep up the good work!

  • razor_poet

    I’m sure this is all just random, but it would make my freaking life to win this giveaway, seeing as it ends two days before my birthday!

  • Kinky Submissive

    I’ve been reading your blog for about three years now and it is by far my favorite. Whenever I research a new toy I check to see what you have to say about it. You definitely make review reading entertaining. Thanks for all the great posts over the years and here’s to many more!

  • E.C.

    Thank you for all you do! I don’t think you know how many people are having better sex because of your blog.

  • Funny you say that — I’ve actually looked into it. This article, as well as my own personal thoughts on it, convinced me not to do it. I use the middle click on my mouse liberally, but hate when a site makes that decision for me.

  • That rules.

  • INDEED, more reviewers should follow their own path and not this faux standard that they think the internet has created for them!

  • Your name and avatar are treats!

  • That’s PRETTY heartfelt!

  • Which banners are you referring to? I was not aware of this TinyPNG thing… intriguing…

  • I do have THOUGHTS on the Smart Wands.

  • Merry

    I own an upscale lingerie and toy shop (The Ruff Life) in Oklahoma. Your site is my go-to spot when I am curious about adding new items to the store. Thanks!

  • Bee

    Thanks to everything I’ve learned here, I’ve become a full-fledged ‘Toy Snob’. Of course I mean that in the best of ways, since who would want to put gross, icky, smelly, leaky things in their vagina? Not I! So, thank you Epiphora for your love of all things not-pink, your snarky style and most of all? Being at least somewhat responsible for my expanding comfort level *and* collection that includes: Taormino’s Rough Sex DVD, Mona 2, pure wand, Vixskin Johnny and a pure plug. My manpanion doesn’t mind the expansion either!
    Suggestion? Hmmm…Maybe you could get the folks at Aslan Leather to make you a harness in teal?! I know, that’s really far-fetched…but, it would be awesome, I’d totally buy it (sorry, black one I already have – there’s teal in town!), and it’s the only addition I could think of to an already top-notch blog.

  • Blair Smuttily

    Haha, well it isn’t as heartfelt as some of the other comments I read 🙂

  • LJ

    I want all of these. 😀

  • lisa

    love your sarcasm 😉

  • Liz

    Thank you so much for your blog! It is really informative and awesome for information.

  • Lythias

    I’ve been following your blog for a little while now; I think I started with recommending you check out some of the girthier Bad Dragon toys, to which you raised some valid points. On a positive side, they now have workshop designs that are fan-created and voted up to have a limited run and see whether they can be a popular toy or not.
    Reading your blog has been really helpful to my partner and I, as my health often means that our sex-life is mostly explored through mutual toy-play, and your reviews and feedback have proven invaluable in helping steer our choices.
    I’d like to be able to give her a VERY pleasant surprise, something completely different from what we’ve tried before. Though you can understand how it is when money is tight; trying something new can be an expense spent elsewhere.
    Of the toys you’ve reviewed, the two that really stood out to me were the Stronic range, and the Eroscillator.

    We live in the land down-under (Adelaide, same as your friend), so I’ve put my entry in for the Eroscillator, in the hopes that my blindfolded partner might get an entirely new type of sensation. She deserves to be spoiled a little~

  • Leslie Rodriguez

    nothing. love it the way it is. thank you

  • x x

    i just thought i was entering a contest. then i fell into a delightful coma reading everything about ef. i haven’t talked to any ef friends since The Incident, but i found everyone’s contact info on your blog and i felt like a kid in a candy store! here i thought i was just entering some random contest, and i already won some of my friends again. you rule, epiphora!

  • Your blog banners under About>Banners. When making my blogroll page your 150×150 was quite large compared to other 150×150 banners.

  • Wait…does this mean I actually knew something Epiphora didn’t know? Watch out, folks, I think the world might be ending.

  • Wow, I love this.

  • I love this blog, because it is part of the inspiration to become a sex educator!

  • Rayne Millaray

    I just went through every single comment to make sure I hadn’t commented already. A lot of people love your blog, lady!

    If I had to point at one thing I love about you and/or your blog, it would have to be the fact that when my contract was terminated at EF, I was asked not to “turn into Epiphora”. I mean, you’ve gotta be pretty badass if a sex toy company is petrified they might have to deal with two of you.

  • Elle

    Thanks for this awesome giveaway! I emailed you before when I was choosing my first vibe, and you guided me to the best purchase of my life. I love your blog, its consistent good humor and wealth of information, and I can’t wait to see what else you have in store.

  • That really means a lot to me. If you ever see me fuck up or say something weird, feel free to call me out on it.

  • Those are paid links, so not places I endorse at all for the most part.

  • Occasionally sassy? Hahahahaha.

  • My work here is done.

  • Way cool! I didn’t know about your shop until now.

  • So fucking badass! I will never get over it!

  • Alexis Wright

    First dildo blog I ever followed, best dildo blog I ever followed.

  • That’s it; I’m changing my slogan to “a dildo blog.”

  • Alexis Wright

    Sorry! I know you do many other things on here, but dildos is mostly what I’m interested in. You will always be a dildo blog to me. Hope you don’t mind. 🙂

  • No, I love it. I proudly identify as a dong worshipper.

  • Lyndzi

    I bought the Pure Wand because of this blog. It’s filled me with more joy than I can express. I also love the humor of your posts. :} You are my sex-geek idol.

  • MrsJoJo

    I’m not a pink lover either, all these sex toys coming out in pink or pretty colours that make you go ‘awwww’ and reminds me of a teddy bear, just don’t sit right

  • Tina

    Thanks for always posting (sometimes brutally) honest reviews. I’ve learned so very much since I started reading your blog.

  • Penny Piquant

    Congrats! I had a tough time choosing which one I wanted, a great problem to have. Appreciate the entertainment and snark with my honest and informative reviews.

  • Tits n Whisky

    Thank you for your great, honest reviews. I’m in the market for a new dildo and my tastes have changed quite a bit since my last purchase (it seems we have that in common). If I don’t win the Vixen Buck I fully intend to buy one!

  • I’m so excited, both for the giveaway and the fact it’s been five years. I started reading your blog and following you on Twitter when a friend of mine won something in a giveaway three years ago +. I remember the breakout of the eden fallacys fiasco, following every step (and trolling the boards there cuz I’m a dick like that.)

    Knowing you over this time helped me with way more than I can put into words here. I’m comfortable with what I like, with being unashamed of that and where I identify (and also embracing my blunt truthiness!) I have you, and the network of people around you to thank for that. You have a community built up around you of honest, open-minded, sex-positive people who constantly have each other’s backs and welcome people to the fold (the fold of truthiness and sex positivity with the occasional tentacle dildo) with open arms (dildo filled arms! Super bonus.) You rock, Piph, keep it up.

  • Fyirie

    I appreciate your balanced reviews–it’s so refreshing to read something that’s frank, candid, and consistent. Hugely helpful!

  • Katie

    I think my favourite thing isn’t so much about the blog itself but about you, in that you’re so accessible and involved with your readers. You reply to comments and emails that people send. You don’t just post your review and call it a day. I feel like we, your readers, matter to you as more than a source of income, you actually care about us and that tends to be an uncommon commodity on the internet 🙂

  • That’s really kind of you to say. Of course I care!

  • You have the best mobile site ever. Bless.

  • The thing I love most about you and your blog is your honest-to-goodness desire to help people. When something bad happens in the blogging or sexy community, I’ve noticed you are often right out front giving true and honest advice to people on how to proceed.

    When the shop that must not be named screwed you over, you made sure that not only did people know what they did to you, but you got suspicious and gathered a ton of info on what else the shop had been up to so people could really see and make an ethical buying choice. When that same shop screwed over the rest of us, you jumped in again, gathering usernames, twitter handles, and blog addresses so that members leaving that site would be able to find each other offsite. You didn’t have to do that. No one asked you to. But you saw a need and you filled it.

    You are always so forthcoming with information and help those that ask for it. Happy 5 years, and may you have another 5. Or 10. Or 50. Will the internet be around in 50? Eh, I’m going with it.

  • kelsey

    i pretty much check here every time before purchasing any toy to see what you have to say about it. it’s saved me tons of money and frustration over the years, so thank you!

  • Jessica

    Your straightforward, unafraid attitude towards sex toys is pretty much the best thing ever. I like to think that if I had a sex toy review blog it would be as awesome as this. MORE REVIEWS! ….and..more giveaways…please? <3

  • HolyUdder

    Always love reading your reviews. Without you I wouldn’t know what to spend my money on.

  • roranicus

    I’ve been reading this blog since I was a somewhat sexually repressed high school girl. I still read it, though now I’m a college guy who talks about your reviews with my friends.

  • Amelia-Marie

    I love the fact that you’re doing such a fantastic giveaway. I just entered for the Romp 🙂

  • Rachel

    I’ve never seen this blog before this give away but now I’m in love. I have been sort of terrified of penetration, I get myself off other ways, and this has inspired me to try new things. I haven’t yet, but I especially will once I get my hands on a dildo whether or not it’s from this give away. (Although this give away would help heaps considering I’m currently drowning in debt from art school. Ha ha.) I like that this blog is informative, spunky, and not discriminatory. It’s so helpful and fun to read even if you don’t use sex toys on a daily basis. I feel well read. And like I’m ready to be well fucked.

  • Krista

    I love your snark, your honesty, and your knowledge! I also love that you’re on so many social sites. So many others are restricted to one site, but I when I saw instagram, pinterest, facebook, tumblr, etc on the entry form I got a bit excited. Just reading your posts makes me more comfortable with exploring sexually, especially with toys. So thanks for being pretty frickin’ awesome!

  • Lawrence

    I came by your blog while looking for reviews and was excited to see the giveaway and that your writing was quality stuff. It’s refreshing that you take good shots of the toys and that you focus on anatomy in the reviews rather than gender-specific language. Thumbs up!

  • Jaclyn Burt Heaton

    Oh my gosh. I was linked to your site from Lelos Facebook page and I am so glad I was. I have literally spent hours reading to catch up on what I need to know 😉 Thank you for saving us from all the crap that is out there 🙂

  • Dax

    How have I never found your blog before? This is amazing. It’s everything I want to do but am too shy to actually follow through on. I think I love you.

  • Rob

    I just found your blog, but any place where you can learn more about sex toys is a good place =)

  • Ash


  • Ash

    (I don’t even, you’re even more perfect than you’ve ever been, seriously the favorites display at PC right now just looks like your blog)

  • Helena Swann

    I found your blog through Eden Fantasys, and I’ve most appreciated the way you have not tolerated their bullshit, and insisted that sex toy reviewers and writers and contributors not get dicked around. Also I can always find useful info about sex toys I’m creeping.

  • burds

    I just discovered your blog and so far I’m really in love with the fact that you give out massive amounts of toys 😀

  • Krisstie May-Deckard

    Fun factory stronuc

  • NDX

    I really hope I win the Joque harness. It is the one I really wanted but was out of my price range, so I ended up getting something else instead. I am relatively new to this blog, but the reviews are SO USEFUL. The only thing that would make it better would be some additional pictures with the reviews (like from different angles to show the bottom of the base or other perspectives not typically shown in stock images). Having a recognizable object (like a golf ball or something that is a standard size) to give a sense of scale might also be helpful for people trying to visualize the real-life size of a toy. Some photos have this already, but it is always disappointing when I see a toy I like and then delve into the text and discover that the size is completely unsuitable for me.

  • Heilwig

    I’ve been backreading this blog for the past few days and your experience of learning to enjoy penetration was really encouraging. I’m all ~~inspired now.
    Also, your cats look nice.

  • M

    To be honest I just came to your blog for the first time via someone’s post about the giveaway, but so far it looks neat, and I reallly like the design/graphics/general look, too.

  • Kate

    Incredibly hard choice, this was. But wow what a giveaway! Congrats on the blog-anniversary!

  • Pingback: I WON A THING | storyofocelot()

  • Tanay

    I would like to like to get the toys. Contact me at EduInfo

  • Nina the Tiny

    LOVE THIS BLOG!!! Just discovered you today (via the toy giveaway announcement on tumblr), but I will definitely follow you from here on out 🙂

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