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15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

As a person who masturbates for a living, I had some... unique considerations as a home buyer.

Holding the key to dildo mansion.
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Most of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a house, an experience that was completely new to me. As a person who earns most of their income through nefarious and elusive internet means, as well as a person who masturbates frequently and more peculiarly than most, I had some… unique considerations as a home buyer.

My sex blogging played an interesting role not only in income verification and loan approval, but also in house hunting and logistically moving my 400+ sex toys safely from point A to point B. Here’s what I learned along the way.

1. Those spreadsheets and ridiculous taxes paid off.

For years I’ve been documenting my blog’s affiliate commissions and ad payments in spreadsheets, plus forking over exorbitant amounts of cash in taxes each year as a self-employed person. Finally, I was able to use both as proof of my income, and it meant being able to get a better loan. After every little mobile check deposit was scrutinized, all the money I’ve made in the past two years with this blog was deemed legitimate, and I proved that I am a human capable of making monthly mortgage payments despite sticking things in my vag for a living. It felt good.

2. Hide nothing from the mortgage people and realtors.

My (female, tattooed, hell yes) realtors quickly became accustomed to me talking about where I would put my toys in particular houses, and they understood the importance of finding the right office for me. My mortgage guy chuckled while lamenting that it was hard for him to verify my work because my site was blocked at his office. The whole process would have been a lot more stressful if I was trying to shield the nature of my job from everyone.

3. Don’t rush, and be firm about what you need, versus what you can compromise on.

Although it can be hard, patience is key. There were features I wanted in a house — two bathrooms, a quiet street without neighbors looming from every angle, a finished basement — that I almost gave up on. Because I didn’t, I can now poop in peace, take photos of my sex toys outdoors without neighbors creepin’, and I have a fucking finished basement. In exchange, the house is smaller than I’d hoped for. The trade off was worth it.

My uncluttered sex blogging desk, complete with knitted vulva.

4. Downsize the things that don’t matter; upsize the things that do. 

I gave away so much junk by setting it on the curb at my old apartment, and although I felt momentarily strange about not trying to sell any of it, it was so nice for it to just disappear. Meanwhile, my office is no longer a corner of the living room but ITS OWN ROOM, and I’ve vowed to keep my desk more minimal now. Spaces feel so much different when they’re not piled high with clutter.

5. Holy shit, I own a lot of sex toys (and their accoutrements).

No joke, I found empty LELO boxes in every room of my apartment. Throes covered in cat hair were everywhere. I discovered a thigh harness that I have no idea how I acquired. Hoisting everything to my car, I remembered that Sybians weigh a lot and Liberator shapes take up a lot of space — but at least they come with carrying handles.

6. It is a worldwide travesty that we don’t have better ways get rid of adult items.

I have so much stuff that probably nobody wants, but I refuse to just throw it away. Well, most of the time. After much scheming about making an epic Instagram video of death for the Rock Box, I ended up unceremoniously placing it in a dumpster. I’m not ashamed. Fuck that thing.

7. Hiring movers is the best $500 I’ve ever spent, but I’m glad I didn’t trust them with my sex toys.

The guys were swift and efficient… but almost disconcertingly so. After signing that waiver, I was not about to let them handle my precious collection. I have many discontinued sex toys that could never be replaced if broken or lost. So I moved the toys in myself prior to the big moving day.

8. My parents helped, too — which normalized my work even more.

A funny moment was when we needed AA batteries for the doorbell. My dad thought for sure I’d have some because of my toys. “Most of my vibrators are rechargeable,” I told him. He exclaimed, “no kidding!”

My sex toy closet so far, including over-the-door organizer.

9. Let change happen.

I had a lot of anxiety over where certain objects would go in the new house, and it was unnecessary. When you move, things will go in different locations, and that will be okay (not just okay — it will be exciting to decide!). My sex toys are mostly in a single closet, now — although I do plan to eventually find a sweet display case — and having them out of my line of sight when I’m at my desk was a good decision.

10. A room of one’s own is a real thing.

I had no idea how much I would relish locking cats out of my office. Or not hearing my boyfriend making dinner right next to me. Or how much I would freak the fuck out over a measly closet. But having an office — with a door! — has been life-changing. I can even lock the door when jacking off. INCREDIBLE.

11. But maybe get window coverings for the sex blogging office first.

I bought blinds for the other rooms, but because I want fun curtains in my office, those windows remained bare. One of my office windows looks out onto a street which leads to an elementary school, so I felt a wee bit uncomfortable opening porn at 3 pm on a weekday without shades. I eventually caved and bought temporary blinds.

12. Thank gawd for the Hitachi.

We did some serious bonding in the weeks and months surrounding the move. Being able to have an orgasm within 5 minutes and without removing one’s pants? Truly a miracle.

13. The pride I feel for my blog and toy collection as been (momentarily?) replaced by the pride I feel for this home.

Being an apartment renter for 7 years, I became very complacent. The place was cramped, people rarely came over, the apartment company didn’t want to fix anything, and it wasn’t truly mine. Having plopped down $50,000 on this house probably helped, but I just want everything to be nice. We painted almost every room before moving in, and one afternoon I found myself on my knees on the floor, scraping dried paint off the hardwoods with a butter knife. I hope this sense of pride lasts.

14. Moving into a house with street views does not stop me from walking around naked.

I blame my mother.

15. At the end of the day, it’s the little things.

It’s moving my sex toys in first. The ability to close the door of my office. Turning my music up at night. Hearing crickets instead of street noise. Sitting quietly on my porch. And, of course, marking my territory once and for all — by squirting all over my office floor.

Toys pictured in first photo (starting at top, moving clockwise-ish):
Fun Factory Tiger, Pipedream Ceramix No. 4, Pleasure Works Maven, Tantus Rocket,
LELO Mona 2, Fun Factory Boosty, LELO Luna Beads, and njoy Pure Wand.

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Comments

  1. Congratulations on the new abode! I can only imagine what kind of display case would be erected* to honor all those toys. Kind of like those cute “how to display your books” articles but for dildos and such.

    *all puns intended unintentionally

  2. I must say I am super envious of your house, Piph. Although I haven’t racked up as much time in renting an apartment (4 years), having douchetastic neighbors that pound around upstairs, kick the door, and yell at the dogs as well as having a bumlord that half asses everything, I can’t wait until Guy and me get our own house (fingers crossed that we will be able to move in mid-January). Granted, it’s in a rural area, but it is perfect for the humans (space and lack of neighbors to set up our play space for our kinky needs) as well as the dogs (a stream, a pond, and 7 acres of land).

    Congratulations on the house. You’ve certainly earned it with all of your hard work!

  3. She actually helps me run it 🙂 Problem is, nobody wants those weirdo toys, lol. I’ve been trying to pawn off my fucking Revel Body on some poor sap for months to no avail. Do you know how HARD it is to get of THAT? I’m terrified I’ll be the cause of some big explosion as the trucks crush the magnets in this thing.

  4. As you know this is 100% relevant to me right now. Luckily for us we don’t need (I hope) my affiliate income to get a good mortgage (we haven’t gone to the scary bank yet) but I only paid taxes on what got reported. And since it all came from so many sources, I really didn’t think anything of that. I’m hoping this doesn’t bite us in the ass in the coming months. I made a spreadsheet but I don’t know if they’ll care about my earnings.

    I went through the Lelo boxes last weekend and threw most out. The damn things are handy for stuff but I don’t need ALL of them. It’s funny, you and I are coming at this from different perspectives with the office. We’re currently renting a whole house, so we’ve been doing the house-dwelling thing and know how the flow feels. The computers are in a big first-floor bedroom and I’m rooms away from the living room. Yet now I want to be closer. I want to have my computer nearer to the living room where I can talk to my husband or at least see him. I sometimes spend so many hours on this thing that some days we’ve only really spent dinnertime together. Yet I do need to keep in mind that I need a place for all the sex toys to go. I’m also looking forward to getting rid of this hulking desk + hutch that I’ve had since 1998 and has moved with us twice.

  5. Many congratulations on your new home! That really is some collection you’ve got. I hope you update us with more photos of your new and glorious office! That dildo flower vase is simply genius!

  6. I used some of the LELO boxes to prop up my computer speakers, at least for the moment, so that made me feel like I was doing something productive with them. Oh, and I put some rings and barrettes in some in the bathroom.

    Ha, you are totally coming from the opposite way. I used to be mere steps from my boyfriend and could hear him laughing in the other room at links I sent him — now he’s in the opposite end of the house and on a different floor.

  7. Oh god, we had the neighbor from hell too. But in a different way: he thought we were making all kinds of noise that we weren’t making. He was a total dick to us. He actually moved out a mere couple weeks before us, but the fact that he left first is a point of pride for me.

  8. Small world! Sorry I didn’t keep up with my TSN account. I should log back in. Craig and I are always looking for more toys to try.

  9. Congrats on the new house! It sounds perfect for you! An office door, that closes and everything? I have to say that I’m a bit jealous. My office is more like my favorite chair with my laptop on my lap. And people feel free to invade, for some reason.

  10. Loved reading about the move to a new house. The joys and tribulations as a homeowner now begin. Point 13, was great-this place is YOURS, and the sense of pride never fades. Everything from planting a little flower garden to doing your first DYI job leaves a great sense of satisfaction. I LOL at 14. I’ve seen our seventy year old neighbours across the street fetch their morning paper in the buff. And at the same time, I’ve come home from night shift and forgotten to close the blinds before doffing all my clothes. A little blushed, you just smile and wave, then quickly close the blinds. Agree totally with number 6. We can recycle just about anything in this world, why hasn’t someone come up with a way to recycle adult toys? Not sure about Lelo boxes, but we still have a couple of njoy boxes floating around from years ago.
    Best of luck in the new place.

  11. Congratulations! Moving is no small task, and it sounds like your new home is wonderful. I love how it looks like the minute one enters, BAM! Table full of sex toys. It’s probably actually your office, there, but even if it’s not I suppose there’s no point beating around the figurative and literal bush.

  12. Huge congrats on the house, Piph! And thanks for writing this–I think your unique situation buying a house and the things you’ve learned will definitely be helpful to other bloggers. Also, I love the first photo!

  13. You kick ass, and I’m glad your house is just about everything you wanted. This has given me a new goal: I want to buy a house within the next 5 years.

  14. See, in the UK, what I earn from my blog, isn’t anywhere near me being able to use it as a decent income for a loan or mortgage, as it is not guaranteed income 🙁 I have tonnes of invoices, paid £100’s in taxes over the last two years but what I earn, will only be eqv to 10hrs per week, if it was broken down to an average yearly wage. BUT still, it means I am employed, to a degree and it is funny to discuss my ‘job’. I work from my laptop and occasionally my tablet, so I can lug my laptop around the house. In the colder nights, I will work from my bedroom, as it is more cosy, in the summer, i tend to work down stairs, as it’s bigger and more airy. I love this article and it goes to show that even blogging, can make you a career x

  15. RE: Toy Disposal

    Scarlet Girl here in Portland has one of the very few (I think there’s one other in TX) legit sex toy recycling programs. It’s run by one of the women who runs the Portland Academy of Sex Ed with me (that means I want to hear no bitchiness from anyone on this – it’s legit) and is super-easy.

    Also, your house is fabulous. If I hadn’t gotten the dog right before you got the house I suspect I would have availed myself of the spare room multiple times by now…. we have successfully mingled him with a cat recently…just putting that out there.

  16. i too am a renter…my future husband has a small house we will use after marriage until we bounce ack from wedding costs then we will buy a bigger house, each kid their own room, mommys stockpile room and ofc our own private sex dungeon..i look forward to it!! being a renter sucks

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