Nov 192014

LELO Hula BeadsImagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh.

The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends.

So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproofremote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the rotation off, so the Hula Beads are always writhing. Writhing within me. Like a cunt worm.

As is always the case these days, the marketing for the Hula Beads attempts to convince you that there are SO! MANY! WAYS! they can be used. Ever adventurous and indebted to you, my friends, I tried every possible way. GOD HELP ME.

  • Big end first, fully inserted: Eh, there is something there and it is vibrating. If I didn’t know, I would not guess that anything was rotating.
  • Small end first, fully inserted: MY CERVIX IS BEING ROTATED.
  • Big end first, half-inserted: It’s okay? I guess? But that’s not where my clit is, FYI, because I feel like that’s what’s implied by the “idea” of wearing them like this. If you want rotation coupled with vibration that’s ACTUALLY on your clit, you want the Ida. (Although really, you don’t want the Ida.)
  • Small end first, half-inserted: This is the only way I could derive any pleasure from the Hula Beads. Of course, it infringed on my ability to sit in my favorite position (with my leg tucked under me) — I basically had to dudespread all over the place. Forget standing up; it would writhe out of my body if I did that. And uh, that’s still not where my clit is.

So the way that most people will use it (small end first, fully inserted) is the least comfortable, and the most pleasurable position hinges on my patience for sitting in a useless puddle at my desk. Why? What is the point of all this? What is life?

I’ll concede one tiny thing. The Dudespread Position™ actually turned me on. But the arousal was caused by the lack of stimulation on my clit, of my body wanting more. Like, if I want to tease myself at my desk while attempting to be productive, I’ll use the We-Vibe 4 or We-Vibe Tango Dusk Pleasure Mate because at least with those toys I can get an orgasm at the end of it.

But most times, wearing the Hula Beads, I don’t want to masturbate — I just kind of want it to stop. They make me acutely aware of the existence of my cervix, so much so that I legitimately thought I was inducing my period one time by wearing them. Seriously, the rotation makes me feel like a human ice cream machine.

I know my vagina isn’t particularly lengthy, but jeez. The toy is only 4 inches long, but once pushed past the pubic bone, that 4 inches becomes too much. It would be a huge gamble for anyone to buy these, as there’s no way of knowing whether one’s vaginal canal is long enough to cradle them without cervix irritation.

Like, a gamble to the tune of $189.

The LELO Hula Beads just don’t make sense. They don’t have a purpose on this earth. I mean, they’re meant to induce pleasure, but instead they just irritate. Physically and psychologically

They’re certainly more noticeable than the Luna Beads and their non-rotating remote-controlled sibling, Lyla, but they’re noticeable in a bad way. They’re not like other things that can hang out in my vagina and make a dull day just a little bit more enjoyable. In fact, if I have any feelings of irritation, the Hula Beads will just force those right to the surface in the form of rage at the weird sensations it is subjecting me to.

And I still find the remote control aspect wonky. Even just a couple feet away, sitting on my desk, the toy sometimes doesn’t respond when I tilt the remote, or responds after several seconds. I’d suggest giving up all semblance of control, because your movements may or may not have any impact on the toy. I tested it for a while with my friends (isn’t that what you do with your friends?) to confirm this, and my patience wore thin. It lasted one hour and 13 minutes. Then it stopped — and I was at peace.

I deserve a luau and a Mai Tai after all this.

Get the LELO Hula Beads at LELO, SheVibePleasure Chest, or Lovehoney (international).

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