Nov 192014
 

LELO Hula BeadsImagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh.

The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends.

So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproofremote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the rotation off, so the Hula Beads are always writhing. Writhing within me. Like a cunt worm.

As is always the case these days, the marketing for the Hula Beads attempts to convince you that there are SO! MANY! WAYS! they can be used. Ever adventurous and indebted to you, my friends, I tried every possible way. GOD HELP ME.

  • Big end first, fully inserted: Eh, there is something there and it is vibrating. If I didn’t know, I would not guess that anything was rotating.
  • Small end first, fully inserted: MY CERVIX IS BEING ROTATED.
  • Big end first, half-inserted: It’s okay? I guess? But that’s not where my clit is, FYI, because I feel like that’s what’s implied by the “idea” of wearing them like this. If you want rotation coupled with vibration that’s ACTUALLY on your clit, you want the Ida. (Although really, you don’t want the Ida.)
  • Small end first, half-inserted: This is the only way I could derive any pleasure from the Hula Beads. Of course, it infringed on my ability to sit in my favorite position (with my leg tucked under me) — I basically had to dudespread all over the place. Forget standing up; it would writhe out of my body if I did that. And uh, that’s still not where my clit is.

So the way that most people will use it (small end first, fully inserted) is the least comfortable, and the most pleasurable position hinges on my patience for sitting in a useless puddle at my desk. Why? What is the point of all this? What is life?

I’ll concede one tiny thing. The Dudespread Position™ actually turned me on. But the arousal was caused by the lack of stimulation on my clit, of my body wanting more. Like, if I want to tease myself at my desk while attempting to be productive, I’ll use the We-Vibe 4 or We-Vibe Tango Dusk Pleasure Mate because at least with those toys I can get an orgasm at the end of it.

But most times, wearing the Hula Beads, I don’t want to masturbate — I just kind of want it to stop. They make me acutely aware of the existence of my cervix, so much so that I legitimately thought I was inducing my period one time by wearing them. Seriously, the rotation makes me feel like a human ice cream machine.

I know my vagina isn’t particularly lengthy, but jeez. The toy is only 4 inches long, but once pushed past the pubic bone, that 4 inches becomes too much. It would be a huge gamble for anyone to buy these, as there’s no way of knowing whether one’s vaginal canal is long enough to cradle them without cervix irritation.

Like, a gamble to the tune of $189.

The LELO Hula Beads just don’t make sense. They don’t have a purpose on this earth. I mean, they’re meant to induce pleasure, but instead they just irritate. Physically and psychologically

They’re certainly more noticeable than the Luna Beads and their non-rotating remote-controlled sibling, Lyla, but they’re noticeable in a bad way. They’re not like other things that can hang out in my vagina and make a dull day just a little bit more enjoyable. In fact, if I have any feelings of irritation, the Hula Beads will just force those right to the surface in the form of rage at the weird sensations it is subjecting me to.

And I still find the remote control aspect wonky. Even just a couple feet away, sitting on my desk, the toy sometimes doesn’t respond when I tilt the remote, or responds after several seconds. I’d suggest giving up all semblance of control, because your movements may or may not have any impact on the toy. I tested it for a while with my friends (isn’t that what you do with your friends?) to confirm this, and my patience wore thin. It lasted one hour and 13 minutes. Then it stopped — and I was at peace.

I deserve a luau and a Mai Tai after all this.

Get the LELO Hula Beads at LELO, SheVibePleasure Chest, or Lovehoney (international).

  • Lia Heavvymetalqueen

    I’m never going to understand what compels toy makers to think we want our cervix churned like butter. Or why so many toys are so. Damn. Long. You would think that at some point they tested them on women and at least ONE must have said “uh, this kinda pokes me in unpokeable places”, but apparently not….

  • S

    What gets me is that Lelo knows how to make good sex toys, yet they’re experimenting with this bogus rotating technology (again, not where my clit is). They also have some upcoming products with really toxic marketing (the Smart Bead and Pino come to mind). What happened?!?

    Also “That’s not where my clit is” will become my new one sentence criticism for crappy toys.

  • Pegasister42

    This just seems…unfortunate. especially when that’s money better spent on a Mona 2.

  • “That’s not where my clit is” should become the rebuttal to anything unsavory: a bad internet article, a non-delicious food, an uncomfortable pair of shoes… LET’S MAKE IT HAPPEN.

    The Pino marketing makes me want to trash their marketing department’s office so fucking badly.

  • You’d think…

    You’d think they tested them on actual vaginas…

    That is a reasonable thing you might think…

  • Erin Glasco

    Doing this.

  • Cunt worm. *shudders*

  • T.J.

    I feel like you need something like a military title for subjecting your body to this warfare . . .

  • Jane Patterson

    Speaking as someone who gets irritated by most toys being too *short* maybe all their test subjects are built like me? I’m Swedish-adjacent, but who knows if that’s actually an ethnically-linked characteristic…

  • Rin

    Out of curiosity, I took a brief look at the Pino, especially at the 50-second video they have for it. All I could think of after watching it was, “So… hookers and blow, apparently?”

    Weird/creepy commercials; that’s not where my clit is. 🙁

  • shels

    Oh my, lovin’ the snark today. And I nearly spewed with cunt worm.

  • Rin

    Is it just me, or has Lelo gone kind of downhill over the past few years? It seems like most of the reviews of Lelo toys I come across anymore boil down to, in the words of James Rolfe: “It fucking sucks! It sucking fucks!” And when each toy costs roughly $150, that’s really worrisome. (To this day my favorite Lelo toy is also one of their cheapest: the Ella.)

  • Susi El

    I’m absolutely convinced that Lelo employees a bunch of male designers, who consider themselves artists that just bring their “creativity” to life, but have no clue what women want or how their anatomy works.

    Can’t see any other explanation for that amount of shitty products. No toy in the Insignia Line comes without any flaws. Disappointing.

  • It’s not just you. They have forgotten what made them a great brand in the beginning: simplicity.

  • Do you have a “that’s not where my clit is” tag yet? Because I feel like that deserves to be a tag.

  • *Lana Kane voice* AYUUUUUUUP

  • Holy shit, you’re right.

  • The “beads” thing!!! I did a giveaway earlier this year and gave away some Luna Beads (because, Luna Beads) and people kept mixing it up and saying I was giving away Hula Beads because they were new and also called “beads”.Enough of a problem if they aren’t COMPLETELY different products.

  • yussssssss

  • thelesserunknown

    “Always be closing” – sure, it’s from a well-known movie and all, but it’s been coopted by scads of pickup artists and their ilk. The only good red pill comes from BS Is Nice, thankyouverymuch. I’ll stick with the tried and true Lelo stuff, because their “innovations” of late have been too ~revolutionary!!! and their advertising has been edging into April Fool’s territory.

  • arbrown

    I have to agree with all of the commentary. I am still on the hunt for a remote vibe that Hubs and I can play with in public without alerting the public… if anyone has a suggestion then I would love one!

  • zooey béchamel

    I was so worried to click on the “cunt worm” link but I powered through. So much anxiety for something that turned out to be not at all terrifying.

  • Oh my god, this review was PERFECT. Your comment about the Ida literally made me laugh out loud (which was actually pretty unfortunate seeing as I’m on a bus) but THANK YOU for this horror story. I now know for certain that a) I don’t want to let LELO anywhere near my cervix, because they will probably do horrible things to it, and b) I never want to hear the words “cunt worm” ever again in my entire life. Ever.

  • Dane

    I’m Nor-swede-gian and also have this problem. Perhaps it’s something in the water?

  • Cunt Worm is totally gonna be my Pussy Riot cover band.

  • I don’t want to let LELO anywhere near my cervix, because they will probably do horrible things to it

    Hahahaha.

  • And now there’s the “smart bead” nevermind that a DIFFERENT company already has a product called “smartbeads”.

    No that’s not going to be confusing as fuck. NOT AT ALL.

  • Passionfruit The Sensuality Sh

    ‘Cunt worm’. Hahahahha. Still laughing.

  • nuala macmoragh

    I got a pair as an event gift, along with a defective Ora that I dubbed “The Clit Slapper,” because an air bubble entrapped near the bead makes the silicone flick painfully against the bean. I thought the beads would be fun put in backwards, and they were until my kegels clamped down on them and broke the motor, after owning them for all of 5 hours.

  • nuala macmoragh

    Fun Factory toys often have a clit nub that makes me wonder what their demo
    vagina looks like. Not mine, clearly.

  • I KNOW. So much of my “that’s not where my clit is” tag is Fun Factory.

  • I wouldn’t call that a defective Ora. I’d call that an Ora.

    Also, your vagina is a beast.

  • Skade

    Danish here, I quite agree with the fact they often makes toys too damn long.

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