Jul 282015
 

Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug and Fun Factory B Balls kegel ball anal plugsI can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea first. Rolly kegel balls in a butt plug? Oh yes. Years ago. You can imagine my delight when not one but two companies came out with products closely following my vision.

You can imagine my despair when both of them failed me.

The Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug was the first to let me down. First with the name, because NO. Second with the “diamond” base. Chintzy and laughable, it looks like one of those fake mirrors a Barbie would hold.

But mostly with the sensation. The Geisha Plug’s bulb is smaller than a marshmallow, so it’s easily inserted… but something feels immediately, persistently wrong, because there’s a seam all around the base of the bulb. A fucking SEAM.

Asses are notoriously receptive to the smallest of intricacies, and mine is no different. Some days, the seam is unpleasant but tolerable. Other days, it’s completely insufferable and painful. The cool rolly ball stimulation is present if I move, but it tends to be overshadowed by discomfort. Any time I clench around the Geisha Plug I can feel the seam — not precisely, but it registers as a sensation that has no right to be happening to my ass.

Do not pass my sphincter, do not collect $200.

I’m so mad, because with both these plugs, the feeling of the inner balls rattling around is nice. The copious nerve endings of the butt make it more pronounced than I get with even the jiggliest of vaginal kegel balls. And, ya know, some people don’t have vaginas, and they too deserve options for jiggly goodness and kegel exercise.

But I can’t recommend the Fun Factory B Balls either. With the first ball inserted, I’m happy. It feels great. I’m ready to run a marathon. ((Okay, maybe walk around the block.)) When I maneuver the second ball inside, though, things go south.

It’s a tragic combination of rigidity, texture, and 4.5″ of insertable length. My butt isn’t a fan of length, plus the B Balls are stiff and adorned with raised slivers of plastic. I get it, it’s a design choice, it’s a splash of color… but this is a toy for butts, guys! Crevasses are not your friend! For cleaning as well as sensation!

The inner rolling ball feels awesome. It really does. I do a weird butt wiggle at my desk and I can feel it. Dramatically stomping across the room will do it. When I’m not moving, though? The uncomfortable aspects of the plug creep back into my awareness. Something’s not right. It’s like hearing ominous music in a horror movie, but without any reprieve or payoff. Just a lingering sense of uneasiness.

There’s no way I’d leave the B Balls in for an extended period of time, and they’re not something I can just casually pop in my ass. It takes a lot of work. So much work that, in all of my testing, there have only been a couple times I’ve been able to fully insert the B Balls without wussing out and removing them 30 seconds later. (Seriously, that length fucking ruins me.)

Never one to miss a genital opportunity, though, I stuffed some kegel balls in my vagina when the B Balls were in my ass — just to experience the jiggliest jiggle that ever jiggled. That was pretty epic, feeling like a Thanksgiving turkey, but I was relieved when I availed my orifices of the toys.

That sense of relief, that realization that my ass preferred nothing at all to both of these plugs, tells you everything. But I’ll take a few more questions from the audience.

  • Sure, the base of the B Balls is comfortable, but its short length concerns me — especially for advanced anal players.
  • These plugs are terrible vaginally, so don’t even think about it.
  • There’s not much else on the market like these products, unfortunately.
  • Please don’t put kegel balls in your ass.
  • No. Not even “just to see.”

My dream kegel ball butt plug does not yet exist. The Geisha Plug’s horrible construction causes an aching ass, and another reviewer found that the silicone peeled off after some water got under it. It’s marginally possible that B Balls could work for someone whose ass is accustomed to length and texture, but mine is a delicate flower. It’s not a champion like my vagina.

At this point in time, vaginal kegel balls, like my faves the LELO Luna Beads, are far more comfortable and much more suited to long-term wear than either of these plugs. Vagina-havers win this round. I wish I had better news, butt people.

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