Nov 192017

Congrats & thank you for entering my giveaway!

That’s it! The hugest sex toy giveaway of the year is over, and I have awarded all 100-ish prizes to the winners! (Yeah, I have so many prizes now I’ve lost count. What a world.)

THANK YOU ALL for making the whole thing a roaring success — by commenting on my posts with sweet words, by sharing the giveaway on social media, by following Boris’ clues, and just for generally being amazing readers and followers over the years. The reason I’ve amassed so many prizes is because I want to give away as many as possible to you fine people.

Sadly I can’t give you all free sex toys, but Black Friday is this week, and as usual I’ll be keeping you up-to-date on all the best sex toy sales. Sign up for my newsletter to stay in the loop.

Boris’ spy mission: winners, answers + bonus video!

This year I added a new component: clues from my hairless cat, Boris, leading to various posts on the site. I figured hardcore readers would enjoy the scavenger hunt (all answers listed below), but had no idea how popular it would be. To my surprise, over 500 people found 20+ Boris clues, so competition for the grand prize was very tough! As a thank you to you all for so diligently trawling through my archives, I compiled a video of Boris’ finest moments. Please enjoy this weird-ass cat.

GRAND PRIZE “Top Agent” goes to Betsy! They will receive a Pure Wand from njoy, Magic Wand Rechargeable from Vibratex, Mona 2 from LELO, Stronic Eins from Fun Factory, Wedge from Liberator, Fleshlight from Dallas Novelty, Crash Pad Series membership from Pink & White, $125 gift card from SheVibe, 6-pack of lube from Sliquid, and swag from SheVibe and Dallas Novelty!

RUNNER-UP “Sleeper Agents”: Michelle, Braeden, Lauren, Rachel, Laura, Diana, Zuzana, Wiley, Jennifer, and Vyn! Each will receive a Magic Wand Rechargeable or Mystic Wand from Vibratex, 1-month Crash Pad Series membership from Pink & White, and bottle of lube from Sliquid!

  • CLUE #1: What is expensive machine that enemy foolishly left in human’s care? A: Sybian.
  • CLUE #2: Human attempts to conquer adversary, is very large. Eventually adapts to local custom, now has thoroughly infiltrated. A: Randy.
  • CLUE #3: Cats do great sabotage of this product with some regurgitated foods, very good work. A: Under the Bed Restraint System.
  • CLUE #4: In this post is photo of my intellectually inferior fellow agent keeping toy under wraps from human. A: The secret truth about sex toy reviewing.
  • CLUE #5: What is mortal adversary to the enemy buzzy? A: Rumbly.
  • CLUE #6: Seems to me many sexy toys well-trained in sabotage, as human organize all under one page. A: Orgasm ruiner.
  • CLUE #7: There is photographic evidence of this item attempting covert ops among fruits. A: Buck.
  • CLUE #8: Human has odd machine, it release substance like thick water, but I know is not water. Is trap. A: automatic lube dispenser.
  • CLUE #9: This tag urge all to desert inferior spies, purchase device instead. A: dump him, buy a Mona.
  • CLUE #10: Human’s favorite music band provides scintillating soundtrack to self-pleasure session in diary of sins. A: Jack-off Journal #20.
  • CLUE #11: What parenthesis-shaped object is a favorite of human’s, and also exquisite for silently and cleanly terminating a rival agent? A: Pure Wand.
  • CLUE #12: Where does human respond to queries with classified intelligence and advice on how to blend in with locals? A: Ask Piph.
  • CLUE #13: What is bright, colorful part of human’s lair that is full of secret hiding places and items for me to knock down? A: sex toy closet.
  • CLUE #14: What is unattractive toy that looks like tooth cleaning device but no, is for pleassssures? A: Eroscillator.
  • CLUE #15: If you can forgives the capitalism, here is list of human’s weapons of choice. A: worth every damn penny.
  • CLUE #16: Is human secreting sexy fluids or merely marking her territory? A: How I know squirting is real (and also not pee).
  • CLUE #17: Human offer tips on dispensing presents for make happy, not for trap like spy. A: Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide.
  • CLUE #18: Assessment of strange mating ritual featuring humans of same-sex persuasion. A: Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes.
  • CLUE #19: Which toy resembles good insect enemy that I WANT TO TRAP? A: Eva.
  • CLUE #20: Human acquires spy bunker, delivers covert report on process. A: 15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger.
  • CLUE #21: What does human reach for when want to make slippery? A: Sliquid.
  • CLUE #22: This human toy do two thing, vibrate and go backs and forths, but deceiving in usefulness. A: Bi Stronic Fusion.
  • CLUE #23: Here you read about poison, not for killing enemy agents, but for contaminate human orifices. A: The case against toxic toys.
  • CLUE #24: Where can spy sleuth out answer to why human has distaste for tasty lagomorphs? A: FAQ, rabbit vibes.
  • CLUE #25: This favored human toy very efficient at providing lazy pleasures. Battery last many hours, perfect for use in field. A: Magic Wand Rechargeable.

Individual prize winners

All winners have been notified and confirmed.

Finally, big neverending thanks to all the amazing companies who donated: Babeland, Crystal Delights, Dallas Novelty, Downunder Toys, Doxy, Early to Bed, Fun Factory, Fuze, Good Vibrations, Hole Punch Toys, Hot Octopuss, Jopen, L’Amourose, LELO, Liberator, Lovehoney, Minna, New York Toy Collective, njoy, NobEssence, OhMiBod, Peepshow Toys, Pink & White, Pleasure Chest, Self Delve, SheVibe, Sliquid, Smitten Kitten, Stockroom, Tantus, Tenga, Twisted Monk, Vibratex, Vixen Creations, We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Zumio. Couldn’t have done it without all of you!

  • Athena

    BORIS! Awww, really hoped it would be my year, better luck next time! Congrats to the winners!

  • Crissy K

    Congrats to all the winners! The Boris clues were a lot of fun, even when they stumped me. I’d be glad to see something like that again next year!

  • Lorena

    Ohh, I was really excited to see if I had won, because I found all the clues, but well, there were a lot of people in the giveaway, but I had so much fun looking for the clues and I discovered a few more toys I would love to try, so thanks!!! And congrats to all the winners, I hope everybody enjoy their prize, they were all fantastic!! Thanks again Piph! 🙂

  • HairyPlump

    Congratulations to all the winners!
    Boris is a superstar! Thank you for such a nice video, Epiphora!
    All my cats are real angels, I have even less doubts now!
    But I still have one question. Why does Boris speak a bit strangely?

  • Mauvie Hellco

    Same, but I’m glad I got to read through Piph’s articles and learn and laugh a lot. And I can easily buy some of these things for myself if I save a bit. (Eroscillator plus, anyone?)

  • Casper Gordon

    thank you for the uplifting video of your beautiful weird-ass cat doin beautiful weird-ass things – seeing that compilation is still a win to me. bless him, and congrats to all the winners C:

  • Rin

    Aw, looks like I’m not a winner. X3 Always another year. Big congrats to those who did win, and a MASSIVE thanks to Epiphora and the sponsor companies for giving us all a chance for awesome prizes. <3 Keep on being awesome, all of you!

  • JadeWolf

    Boris clues 6 and 9 made me batty, only ones I didn’t get! I figured out 6 like four hours after the end of the contest, but 9 I had just no idea. 😀

  • Marita Berry

    I never likes Sphinx cats before Boris, he’s so cute! How does he manage to balance on that thiiiiin display?!

  • Hallo HairyPlump, I speaks like thissss as I am from the motherland, Russia. Well, that is what human decide anyway due to name Boris. It make me sound powerful. —Boris

  • HairyPlump

    Hi my dear comrade Boris! It’s all clear as vodka to me now! Sadly I have no descendants of a kitty, whom I brought from Russia myself, but my cats, those whose distant ancestor was a peterbald, purrr in your honor!

  • Angela

    As a poor college student with zero sex toy budget, I am so happy to have won the Tango. I just used it for the first time, and OMG. I was kind of skeptical that the difference between buzzy and rumbly could really be as important as people make it out to be, but that skepticism was misplaced. There is a world of difference. I honestly never thought I could enjoy a clitoral orgasm. Now I can. Mind = blown.

  • Yessssssssssssss

/* ]]> */