Epic Fail

Epic Fail

How not to design a sex game

How not to design a sex game

Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I ask myself regularly. I have a whole label in my Gmail for sex games, and it’s filled to the hilt with shitty, offensive products I’d never want to play in a million years, often including pleas for me to review them. (People love to say stuff like, “it’s not a sex toy, but it’s KIND OF A SEX TOY!”) Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. Usually I just send the links to my girlfriend so we can ridicule the games in private, but I just got one that perfectly demonstrates everything that’s wrong with terrible sex games. It’s called Foreplay, and while it’s not the worst sex game ever, it manages . . . read more

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

So I was interviewed for a piece about female ejaculation/squirting for Fusion recently. The article finally went live, and lo and behold, I’m not mentioned at all because some new bullshit study came out that had to trump everything. Also, they needed to make room for all those animated GIFs. I’m no scientist and I’m not in the business of picking apart studies, but I will say that its findings contradict several other studies which have previously shown that ejaculate contains zero or low levels of urea and creatinine. Its findings also go against several thousand million1 vagina-owners, including myself, who have reported that the stuff they ejaculate does not look, smell, or taste like pee. Also, WHO FUCKING CARES what the chemical make-up of the ejaculate . . . read more

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

[What happens when the media misrepresents squirting? Similar rage.] Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the G-spot doesn’t exist, and here we are again, with yet another news source “reporting” (I use that word quite loosely) on yet another “study” “proving” that the G-spot is a “myth” and EVERYONE CALM DOWN AND TOUCH YOUR CLITORIS. It’s not the first, and it will never be the last, but it’s the one that broke me. My soul has been cracking, little by little, each time this happens. Like that time a sex educator drew a question mark on an anatomy chart in place of a G-spot. That time a guy dared to write a book called What Do Women . . . read more

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

The color most likely to send me on a murderous rampage

I hate pink. Always have. Based on pure shudder-factor, my aversion to pink ranks somewhere below my trypophobia but above my distaste for whiskey and the word “panties.” When I mention the color, I do little to conceal my disgust. I sigh about its inevitability and express mock-excitement over it. My hate is documented, understood. This color snobbery helps me curate my sex toy collection. By always mercilessly begging firmly asking for the color I want, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of pink stuff. But the pink toys I do own — I look at them and feel regret. There are two big reasons why I hate pink: it’s aesthetically ugly, and I abhor its connotations. Perhaps I find it ugly because of its connotations, but nonetheless, I don’t enjoy looking at it. Hot . . . read more

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

My doctor was mildly amused when I told her that I run a sex toy review blog. “Some people experience a loss of libido,” she said later, after she’d prodded my cervix, “and in rare cases, inability to orgasm.” I laughed as I replied, “well, that would be a deal breaker.” I filled the prescription and nodded politely as the soft-spoken pharmacist smiled and explained that I might have suicidal thoughts. All of this was new to me, but it seemed easy enough. I thought I was just being paranoid the first time it happened. I was still on just 25 milligrams a day and was having no side effects whatsoever. But as I masturbated, I felt that something was . . . read more

The latest threat to our daughters: James Deen, a respectful porn star

The latest threat to our daughters: James Deen, a respectful porn star

[Edit, 11/29/15: Not a stand up guy at all, it turns out. Fuck James Deen.] BREAKING NEWS, everyone. LISTEN CLOSELY, especially if you are raising innocent little girls. I’ve just learned that James Deen, my/your favorite male porn star of all time, is very dangerous. He is a serious threat to our girlchildren. He is lurking in the shadows of the internet, infiltrating their Tumblr dashboards with his bedroom eyes. HE MUST BE STOPPED. Or, at the very least, awkwardly questioned on TV about his lasciviousness! “Porn Industry Attracting Teens?” is the headline for this segment of Nightline, because of course it is. ABC News clearly yoinked this story from an article in Good Magazine, but when re-told in alarmist video form, it gets . . . read more

Jack's Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

Jack's Blowjob Lessons: the scam and the take-down

A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook. We found his promo website, and there were fits of laughter and despair all over Twitter, because, well, look: The whole site is a condescending, badly-written plea to “girls.” According to all-knowing Jack, our men will leave us solely on the basis of a bad blowjob. That is why we must fork over $47 for his mind-blowing ebook. It is, after all, the only book you need to read this year. At one point, Jack discovered me and solicited me for a review. I told him he was a douche instead. Then he started making the rounds again, emailing my . . . read more

A touch of whimsy

I’m always getting emails from people wanting to advertise their shit on my site. Only, they never want to pay to advertise it. In fact, they present it to me like I should feel privileged to host their “informative” (product-peddling) articles. My readers want to read them, they say! It will be “targeted content”! Well, sometimes. This amazing email was sent to my Who.is privacy email address, which means the author probably noticed that my site has a decent rank and emailed me without ever visiting my site. At least I hope so, because: Hi, I’d like to start by saying, I really like your site heyepiphora.com — Its great! I was wondering if I could contribute a high quality, . . . read more

A dude's solution to the problem of phthalates

A dude's solution to the problem of phthalates

Women! Have you been wondering how to avoid that pesky group of chemicals called phthalates that are often used to soften cheap sex toys? Are you skeptical of those who tell you to simply buy phthalate-free toys? Don’t worry your pretty little head any longer — A Man™ has the solution you long for: “Forget That Soft Sex Toy and Find a Real Man.” The reason is clear. Phthalates can potentially cause health problems, while men do not: Instead of using those soft plastic dildos or sex toys, finding a real man could take care of this problem. Men do not cause multiple organ failure unless they stress you until you take to excessive alcohol drinking and smoking. Men are . . . read more

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