Epiphora Makes Lists

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2016

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2016

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older lists!] 2016 has been a trying, infuriating, exhausting year, and it seems trivial to jump straight to sex toys without acknowledging that. But this is also a year in which we’ve needed to learn how to remain resolute amidst unbelievable pain. To laugh at the absurdity of our world. And if you want absurdity, oh, look no further than my life. This was my ninth year reviewing sex toys for all the internet to see. This year, among other things, I perverted a soap dispenser into a lube dispenser, let other people control my vibrator over the internet, and played vaginal Chubby Bunny with tiny silicone dildos. I cycled through 12 different butt plugs in . . . read more

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2015

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2015

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] What a year 2015 was! I showed my face on the internet and subsequently used it to prank all of you. I got emotional about what being a writer means to me, then had my work published in Best Sex Writing of the Year. I managed to get out of the house a couple times, to attend the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit, an epic sex blogger retreat, and two smaller #dildoholiday vacations with friends. When the universe manifested yet another “scientific” “study” “proving” that squirt is pee, I protested loudly, and so did many of you. Dr. Drew was perplexed. 2015 was the year I programmed my own vibration patterns, took a video of the inside of my . . . read more

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2014

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2014

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] Oh hey, remember 2014? It was the year I was a guest on Sex Out Loud Radio, I taught a sex blogging class, I fell in love with someone new, and I bought a house. This year I coined a new catchphrase, “that’s not where my clit is,” which can be applied to any unsatisfactory experience. I shook my head in disgust at the LELO Pino, Teddy Love, and shitty G-spot articles. I hung out with my friends, bid farewell to the makers of fantastical dildos, and said hello to my new sponsors. I conducted several hugely successful giveaways, one of which netted some of the most creative entries I’ve ever seen. I also got . . . read more

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

Most of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a house, an experience that was completely new to me. As a person who earns most of their income through nefarious and elusive internet means, as well as a person who masturbates frequently and more peculiarly than most, I had some… unique considerations as a home buyer. My sex blogging played an interesting role not only in income verification and loan approval, but also in house hunting and logistically moving my 400+ sex toys safely from point A to point B. Here’s what I learned along the way. Those spreadsheets and ridiculous taxes paid off. For years I’ve been documenting my blog’s affiliate commissions and ad payments in spreadsheets, plus forking over exorbitant amounts of cash in . . . read more

Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2013

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2013

[Check out my annual best/worst tag for older and newer lists!] 2013 was a good year. I attended CatalystCon East AND CatalystCon West (even doing a panel), hit 500 posts, became a superhero, conducted my most elaborate April Fool’s joke ever, and oh yeah, I was gifted a $1,345 Sybian. I spilled my guts about the horrible sex toys I used to lust after, why I hate pink, and why I think sex toys should not be called “pleasure objects.” I wrote my epic beginner’s guide to sex toy reviewing and gave you a peek into my life as a sex toy reviewer. But most of all, I tried heaps of new sex toys and brought my wrath down upon them. The majority of the stuff I tried this year can be pretty firmly classified as either “really awesome” . . . read more

Epiphora's sex toy gift-giving guide

Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

If you ask me, sex toys are way better gifts than socks or body wash. Now I may be biased, considering I own over 400 of them and have been testing them and reviewing them for six years, but you know. The point is, I have OPINIONS about things that go on vulvas and in vaginas and butts, and even sometimes over penises. Today, I was on Sex Out Loud Radio telling the universe all about my top sex toy gift ideas — plus my tips for picking out a sex toy for someone else. As an accompaniment, here’s the written version — along with photos of the toys and links to my reviews. Where should you shop? My favorite stores are . . . read more

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more

A short guide to life beyond EdenFantasys

A short guide to life beyond EdenFantasys

Welcome, EdenFantasys refugees, ex-pats, survivors. Gather ’round. Did you recently decide to leave EdenFantasys after their latest bombshell? Worried that you are now like a ship without an anchor, lost at sea without the forums and the people you used to interact with? Still wanting to review sex toys, but not wanting to support a corrupt, unethical sex shop by doing so? NEVER FEAR! I am putting on my shit-stirring hat yet again just for you. Because let me tell you, life outside of EF is sweet. It tastes like honesty. A quick little bit of history: I started my sex toy reviewing career with EF back in 2007. I started this blog in 2008 and was banned in 2010 . . . read more

The amazing things that happened at CatalystCon

The amazing things that happened at CatalystCon

Or, “CatalystCon: where children teethe on cock rings and I shake the hand of the man who invented one of the best dildos in history” IT’S ALREADY OVER. Who’s surprised, though, really? Catalyst was bound to go by in the blink of an eye. Even staying up late, as per usual for me, did not remedy this unfortunate fact of life. Strange how quickly life goes back to normal, even if “normal” means talking about dildos all day. It’s just depressing not being physically surrounded by like-minded people. That’s saying something, for an introvert like me. It probably goes without saying that I had an epic time, but as I adjust back to my default life, there’s this weird sensation . . . read more