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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Giveaways

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Graphic of all the amazing prizes in vector form. SO MANY!
Giveaways

Sex toys for all giveaway winners

November 23, 2016
I’m exhausted, y’all. Turns out, awarding over 50 sex toy prizes to over 50 different people is tiring! But I’m... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway! Grand prize worth $1,000+!

October 16, 2017
Hi, hello, I’m commemorating 10 years of sex blogging with the most extravagant sex toy giveaway I’ve ever done. I’m... Keep Reading
Congrats & thank you for entering my giveaway! Graphic of sex toy prizes and Boris in the corner saying "good work, human."
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway winners (plus Boris video!)

November 19, 2017
That’s it! The hugest sex toy giveaway of the year is over, and I have awarded all 100-ish prizes to the... Keep Reading
Giveaway: rock your G-spot with the Fun Factory Stronic G!
Giveaways

Giveaway: rock your G-spot!

April 17, 2018
Hey, friend, how’s your G-spot doing lately? Still real, despite what the media says? Perhaps feeling a bit drab, a little... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Rock your G-spot giveaway winners!

May 19, 2018
Recently, somebody pointed out to me just how far my giveaways have come. An old giveaway from the early days... Keep Reading
Sex toy giveaway, featuring the njoy Pure Wand, We-Vibe Tango, and Sliquid lube
Giveaways

Giveaway: win sex toys for you and a friend!

August 17, 2018
Did you hear? I’ve partnered with one of my newest affiliates, Spectrum Boutique, to spoil you AND a friend with... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

October 3, 2018
Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just... Keep Reading
Mini giveaway attractions in my dildo carnival sex toy giveaway
Giveaways

Dildo carnival giveaway winners

November 17, 2018
It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of... Keep Reading
Person wearing the Oxyd Creations bike tube harness.
Giveaways

Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!

December 6, 2018
Have you seen how beautiful the harnesses by Oxyd Creations are? Well if you haven’t, you’re in for a treat... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Volta vibrator (black line) in the snow.
Giveaways

Giveaway: get goth with an all black vibrator!

March 19, 2019
The last vestiges of winter are stubbornly hanging on, but I know just how to melt your frozen hearts: a... Keep Reading
GiveawaysSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Zumio E

July 29, 2020
The tiniest tip ever to wiggle against my clit has morphed once again. It’s called the Zumio E, and it’s... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

October 9, 2020
2020 is not the year we ordered. We’ve spent almost 7 months in quarantine, and now we’re heading into a... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

November 1, 2020
Somehow it’s November already, and with it comes the conclusion of my sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse giveaway.... Keep Reading
GiveawaysHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

February 18, 2021
Is it a sign things are finally looking up? Fuck, I’ll take anything. A pair of legendary vibrators, cult classics,... Keep Reading
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Perfect encapsulation of why Maude's ad campaign is such a pretentious joke https://t.co/HaNGhv2V3Q
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Latest posts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

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  • Latest posts
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  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Browse greatest hits
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  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    • Epiphora-approved sex toy shops
    • Sex toy sales, deals, and promos
    • Epiphora-approved porn
  • FAQ
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