These are dildos. Due to the graphic nature of this blog I would normally not need to specify that, but this could more easily pass as a basket of artificial fruits and vegetables. The sex toy world has given us glass versions of produce before — chili peppers, eggplants, corn, bananas — but a huge selection of body-safe silicone ones? Not until now! THERE’S A FUCKING ASPARAGUS, YOU GUYS. I found out about this company on a HOT TIP from a reader, who wrote: I’m in Europe right now and I discovered a lovely indie shop in Berlin that carries this brand of dildos: SelfDelve. They’re handmade here in Germany. The silicone is really nice, a bit soft. I got a very realistic (though unripe looking) curved banana. The . . . read more
Upcoming sex toys that might actually be good?!
[Hoorah! This toy is now a reality and I tried it!] Everyone pause and bask in this moment. I have found a sex toy crowdfunding campaign that isn’t shitty. It’s a squeezable silicone bulb — er, they’re calling it a pillow — that measures the clenching of your pelvic floor muscles, and it’s called the kGoal (get it? Sounds like “kegel”? If you pronounce “kegel” that way?). It charges via USB and wirelessly communicates with an app on your phone, which serves up your exercise history, suggested workouts, and “max squeeze.” I see a community scoreboard coming on. As added incentive, the kGoal’s motor offers vibrational biofeedback as you do your exercises, while the outer arm is equipped with a status light and second . . . read more
Update: You can now find Fucking Sculptures at SheVibe and Early to Bed! These people just cut to the chase. They called their company Fucking Sculptures. I like that gumption. I like it a lot. Fucking Sculptures is a brand new (seriously, their launch party was on December 23 and included glassblowing, burlesque, and pizza — why wasn’t I there?!) glass dildo company based in Berkeley, California. Their dildos are called G-Spoon, Corkscrew, Two-Cumber, Hooded Nun, and Pussywillow, and lo! They are not rip-offs of toys that have come before! Believe it, my friends! Like the Candy-Colored Glass Dildo, these are handcrafted and made of soda lime glass (not borosilicate). The colors are muted, which works well for the lovely shapes they’ve chosen. I’m pretty sure I need the G-Spoon . . . read more
[Update: I reviewed it!] I like thrusting, if you haven’t noticed, so I am drawn to this new majig from Fun Factory. The Stronic Eins, or Stronic One, is the first in a series of three toys in the “Pulsator” family. It has 10 different rhythms, ranging from long and slow to short and rapid. Awkwardly, the verb Fun Factory should probably be using is thrust, but they keep using pulsate, a word we’ve been using for years to refer to a certain type of vibration pattern. But this toy doesn’t vibrate at all: A whole new kind of stimulation — instead of vibrating, this new kind of toy pulsates with powerful waves which deliver a real treat especially at the lowest . . . read more
Update! I reviewed the Leaf Life. Browse the whole Leaf line at SheVibe. BMS Enterprises has not made much of anything that’s too terribly noteworthy. They make locking toy cases, an extensive line of bullets, and they designed the Jopen line, but that’s about it. UNTIL NOW. Now, it looks like they’re trying to break through into the luxury market — and the hippie market — with their sleek new rechargeable line, Leaf. Fresh, Bloom, Touch, Vitality, Life, Spirit The entire line comes in the most gorgeous grass green silicone, and is available in NO OTHER COLOR, which I am just quivering with excitement about. Couple that with a refreshingly well-designed website and product photos that rotate mesmerizingly, and I must say, I . . . read more
Um. It’s made of volcanic ash stone. It’s $430. It’s Pure Wand-shaped. And it can go in my vagina anytime, though it probably never will. That is the Luz de la Riva Parda dildo. All my sex toys, even the really cool ones, look like amateurs in comparison. The end.
This is what I call a fucking tease: Oh, you want to click on the toys? See bigger pictures? Read descriptions? Too bad — YOU CAN’T. This is all you get, loser. Ah, carrot-dangling at its finest (and most frustrating). Well played, Zini. Well played. My predictions about each toy’s features: Donut: Dispenses donuts after use Namison: Makes car racing sounds as you thrust Seed & Bud: Impregnates you with vibrator robot babies — with no option to disable impregnation Chu: Coos at you and laughs at your jokes by saying “LOL” Psi: Doubles as a kitchen device for cracking nuts and stirring shit (…with your mind) While we wait for August to roll around, friends, any thoughts on what . . . read more
[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.] Bartenders is the newest, yet-to-be-released feature porno from Burning Angel. Now, it takes serious hilarity to make me laugh aloud at something on the internet, and this trailer managed to do it — three times. Even my boyfriend laughed when he watched it, and he doesn’t like porn! Best moments of this trailer: 0:58 — Some dude slapping another dude’s tattooed ass to urge him to jack off elsewhere. Totally random, and obviously amazing. 1:08 — James Deen showing his high-tech I.D. card. Swoon. 1:21 — The introduction of Evan Stone into the storyline. Oh my gawd. 1:33 — “Can I show you our gender-neutral bathroom? . . . read more
These cuties would like you to drink their sodas, if you know what they mean… heh, heh… Even though my boyfriend wasn’t a huge fan of his Sex in a Can series Fleshlight — the Succu Dry — I’m still giggling like a schoolgirl over this new, gay-oriented Sex in a Can series, Jack’s Soda. It’s just so bright and playful! And campy; I mean, fruit sodas… for gay men. The “flavors” are Cherry Pop, Banana Cream, and Gape Soda. Oh yes, they went there. And the semen splatters seem oddly at home among the fruits… I think I’m in love with this series because it reminds me of silly childhood things, like smelly markers, xylophones, and Lisa Frank. That’s right . . . read more