Um, No

Um, No

These sex toys need to be obliterated from the earth. Since I can’t do that, I just talk shit about them.

The world's FIRST and only REAL G-spot toy! Ever!!!

The world's FIRST and only REAL G-spot toy! Ever!!!

Revolutionary! Game-changing! The best! The first! The only! Companies have been wailing such nonsense since the beginning of time. Sex toy manufacturers in particular love to employ this sort of language, although usually it’s subtle and vaguely infuriating, not in-your-face and outright laughable in its shamelessness. But today is a beautiful day, my friends, because I’ve found something that is outright laughable in its shamelessness. Remarkably unattractive and aggressively overhyped, it is “the FIRST and ONLY true G-spot stimulator” and “the world’s first G-spot vibrator that actually works!” and as such, we must bow down to it. We might as well just trash our entire sex toy collections now and I can kiss this blog goodbye, because this toy is going to change . . . read more

How not to design a sex game

How not to design a sex game

Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I ask myself regularly. I have a whole label in my Gmail for sex games, and it’s filled to the hilt with shitty, offensive products I’d never want to play in a million years, often including pleas for me to review them. (People love to say stuff like, “it’s not a sex toy, but it’s KIND OF A SEX TOY!”) Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. Usually I just send the links to my girlfriend so we can ridicule the games in private, but I just got one that perfectly demonstrates everything that’s wrong with terrible sex games. It’s called Foreplay, and while it’s not the worst sex game ever, it manages . . . read more

This sex toy will "rejuvenate" your pitiful vulva for just $850

This sex toy will "rejuvenate" your pitiful vulva for just $850

Day by day, second by second, time is destroying your vulva. Your labia are deflating like a sad soufflé. Your vagina is drying up. The color is draining from your genital region. Your husband is weeping. Your dinner is burning. Your life is a farce. Enter the Lowe Aurora, a sex toy providing “low-level laser treatment” for your genitals. For your “health.” Of course. More like a massive laser pointer created solely to make you feel bad about your vulva. It’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys? The female genitals are subject to the passage of time like the rest of the body. The labia loses its turgidity due to reduced elasticity and the colour . . . read more

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with... personalities

Whatever could be so offensive about vibrators that look this boring? FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — BlissMe founder Daniel Mederos says his new sex toy business concept is a bit different from others because the company doesn’t just market a product, it provides a service as well. “At BlissMe Vibrators we wanted to encompass the idea of infidelity being an option through our vibrators,” Mederos said. “So what we have created is a service where consumers buy our products and we provide them with an e-mail from our list of vibrators since each of our five vibrators have personalities.” Those personalities include Mr. Right, Mr. CEO, Mr. Badboy, Mr. U.K. and Mr. Cowboy. Yes, how did earth keep spinning before someone . . . read more

Um, No: Pino

Um, No: Pino

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail at inopportune moments. 2013 brought us Ida, easily the most functionally deficient LELO toy I’ve ever tried (that’s putting it mildly), and the useless Hula Beads. This year, we were blessed with Ora, an “oral sex” simulator, which was a waste of my clit’s time. And now we have this. Your eyes do not deceive. That is a cock ring with a pinstripe-lined box, LELO-branded cufflinks, and a money clip . . . read more

Um, No: Teddy Love

Um, No: Teddy Love

This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable. A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This is condescending, infantilizing, and damaging. This is not how we get over the stigma around sex toys. This product is WHY THERE IS A STIGMA AROUND SEX TOYS. [Edit: my friend tried this atrocity and the experience was just as ridiculous as you’d expect.] Completely overlooking logistical issues such as how the fuck do you clean vag juice off it (the muzzle is made of thermoplastic elastomer, which is porous, and the body is covered in FUR), I am deeply offended that these people are expecting me, as a woman, to coo over this. It’s “inspired by every girl’s first fuzzy love,” because all women . . . read more

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

Um, No: Masturbating Glove (and everything else Nasstoys makes)

I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove. My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get the chance to follow the link until I was in the safety of my own home. I love how hard Nasstoys tries to sell this fingerless monstrosity — they can’t even be arsed to write full sentences. I did learn, however, that it is waterproof. Major relief! The Masturbating Glove — which makes the previously-featured Love Mitts look romantic as fuck — also comes in pink, which . . . read more

Um, No: Sexpander

Um, No: Sexpander

It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head of whoever “designed” this. Scare quotes forever. But o, the uses! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you: the Sexpander can add obtrusive girth and an antennaed protrusion to your penis, your fingers, or your vibrator! Like a growth! Like a fucking fungus! AND SUDDENLY, AT THESE ANGLES, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A SLUG TOO. I don’t even know where to begin in dissecting the . . . read more

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

Um, No: Peter Piper and Erotic Cigar

So this is an actual thing. I don’t know why it’s called The Original Peter Piper, because I’m pretty sure the original Peter Piper is the one from 1813 who picked a peck of pickled peppers, not a glass dildo for potheads. But then again, this is from Pipedream, the same people who brought us the failtastic Fetish Fantasy series, the quartet of terrible lubes, and heaps of racist/sexist shit, so I don’t know why I expect them to be historically accurate… or remotely respectable. This 10″ glass dong is smooth and sensuous and doubles as a pipe, perfect for enjoying your favorite smoke right before you enjoy each other! Try it with a friend; one takes a toke, the other gets . . . read more

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