Carnivalesq

Carnivalesq is a crazy chick I often watch porn with. You know, via the magic of the internet. I usually showcase her hilarity in my posts by pasting our chat logs.

Friends I’ve made along the way

You know, I didn’t expect to make friends doing this. When I started this blog in fall of 2007, I was a bit lost and alone. I knew nothing about other bloggers, and I more or less assumed that I wouldn’t fit into the sex blogging community. I didn’t have much to contribute back then — all I knew how to write was sex toy reviews — so I didn’t think I’d stand out to anyone. But I joined Twitter, kept writing, and eventually, awesome shit started happening. I started meeting people. Chatting with people. Befriending people. Sharing stories, inside jokes, and laughter. And now, I can’t imagine life without this network of amazing humans. I sound like a sap, . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #8

Jack-off Journal #8

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.] May 8th, 2010 Eight days into May and I haven’t jacked off yet. I need to work on life. I saw pictures of this cute pornstar named Gracie Glam (oh god alliteration), so I got my hands on a scene of hers with James Deen, because he brings out the best in everyone. I thought I’d use the Sqweel again, mainly because I’d been rearranging my toy collection and the Sqweel was hanging out on my desk. I also realized it still had its original batteries in it, and they still had juice. Impressive. Of course, I had to hold my labia open a LOT to use the . . . read more

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator

Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator

I was recently watching a video about the hymen made by Kara Sutra, in which she recommended HealthyStrokes.com for its hymen gallery. A’ight, sounds sex-positive and cool. I’m there. The site is straight out of 1995, but the hymen gallery looks good. Hmm, the webmaster also gives sex advice to youngins; that’s cool… …wait a second. Did this guy just say that people who have anal sex “frequently get feces and anal matter all over”? Did he actually just say that anal sex is “the most dangerous sexual practice” and that “it will hurt, and you will probably bleed profusely”? Did he really just use the argument that the butt is for poop and poop only? Oh man, this guy . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #6

Jack-off Journal #6

March 4th, 2010 You know what’s hard to watch? An hour and 16 minutes of nothing but cocksucking. But I did it — boy, I did it — in the name of reviewing. Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio, that is. I watched it in the bedroom, with my laptop hooked up to the TV via HDMI. I even changed my screenshot hotkey to make it easier to reach over with my left hand and take a screenshot. Meanwhile, my right hand was occupied with the Vixen Astrovibe, trying to decide how I felt about it, and the Jollies Jollet, already knowing I love it. I’m putting this on my resume as an example of my ability to multi-task. March . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #5

Jack-off Journal #5

February 9th, 2010 Dear diary, today I learned that masturbation while drunk is really fucking annoying. I spent most of the night in a chatroom with Britni and Carnivalesq, shooting the breeze about Lady Gaga, American Idol, and the mind-blowing pick-up line that Britni got on a dating website: “I want to lay on top of you and pretend that I am flying.” I was drinking peppermint schnapps, but still fantasizing about my new green dildo. So at one point I dropped out of the conversation, turned on PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck, and did what can only be described as a sad attempt to get myself off. I started out with the Eroscillator, but uncharacteristically went up to . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #4

Jack-off Journal #4

[This post contains mentions of James Deen. I no longer support him or his work.] January 2nd, 2010 Although I’d just read a terrible piece of “science,” I was too tired to go for the G-spot gold, so I picked up the Wahl and watched a bit of Eon McKai’s newest, Art School Girls Are Easy. Disappointed by how ho-hum and lacking in dirty talk the porn was, I switched to a scene between Sunny Lane and Annabelle Lee from By Appointment Only 9. Annabelle’s pussy-licking style is to die for, seriously. I never used a dildo or anything else besides the Wahl, yet when I came, I squirted a little, soaking through the towel onto my computer chair. Clearly my . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #3

Jack-off Journal #3

December 10th, 2009 Having received an orange Jimmyjane Little Chroma in the mail from a Halloween giveaway I didn’t know I entered, I decided to pit the Little Chroma against the Wahl. The Little Chroma was okay, though nothing to ever spend anything close to $125 on. It was easier to hold, but the Wahl was far more amazing to feel. I was on the bed in the bedroom and without dildos, so I asked my boyfriend to bring me one of his choice. He trotted in with Mr. Man, gave me a little blowjob with it, and left. I finished myself off with the Seduction in my vagina and the Wahl on my clit. It was a goodbye fuck. December . . . read more

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