drunk

Jack-off Journal #9

Jack-off Journal #9

June 6th, 2010 Here’s a little secret for you: I’ve been jacking off to words lately. I know, blasphemy. I usually hate erotica. I generally don’t fantasize. I prefer graphic depictions of genitals going into other genitals. But this particular fiction — a slash pairing which is morally objectionable on more than one level — is hot to the max. This one little smut scene involved squirting. Mmm. I’ve also been spending several jack-off sessions comparing the Vixen Johnny with the Maverick. Finally, I think I’ve figured out the difference. Unfortunately the only word I can think to describe it is that Johnny is meaty. WTF, brain? Are you trying to write disgusting erotica? Also, dual orgasms are the story of . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #7

Jack-off Journal #7

April 6th, 2010 Wow, most frustrating masturbation session in a long time. I watched, but not really, Fashionistas, which wasn’t doing it for me at all (o hai, latex). I tried out the Form 6, but got irritated with the buttons being on the shaft, which is fully insertable. The straw that broke the camel’s back was trying to get off clitorally with the Form 2, which was behaving very, very badly, sputtering and whining and failing miserably. I eventually got to “fuckin’ thing SUCKS!” territory — which, as evidenced by Bill O’Reilly, is never a good place to be: After throwing my pen down and cursing a lot, I used the Fairy Mini Mini to get off. April 10th, . . . read more

Jack-off Journal #5

Jack-off Journal #5

February 9th, 2010 Dear diary, today I learned that masturbation while drunk is really fucking annoying. I spent most of the night in a chatroom with Britni and Carnivalesq, shooting the breeze about Lady Gaga, American Idol, and the mind-blowing pick-up line that Britni got on a dating website: “I want to lay on top of you and pretend that I am flying.” I was drinking peppermint schnapps, but still fantasizing about my new green dildo. So at one point I dropped out of the conversation, turned on PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck, and did what can only be described as a sad attempt to get myself off. I started out with the Eroscillator, but uncharacteristically went up to . . . read more

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