so. fucking. loud.

Review: Bubble Love

Review: Bubble Love

The Bubble Love has been discontinued, but check out the WaterSlyde. I am one of many who grew up getting my orgasms from the bathtub faucet. Legs spread, back against the bottom of the tub, water pouring delightfully over my clit, I’d lay there with my mind split between thrilling newfound pleasure and neurotic calculation of how long I could run the bath before it seemed suspicious. I almost certainly ran up my parents’ water bill from roughly 2000 to 2002. (Sorry, guys. At 14 I was too stupid to even know water bills existed.) But I later graduated to circling a Sharpie over my clit through my underwear, and after that, vibrators. Glorious, glorious vibrators. So many shapes, so many options, such ease. I started . . . read more

Review: Mini Magic Wand

Review: Mini Magic Wand

You might stumble across the Lovehoney Mini Magic Wand while shopping for the legendary Mystic Wand and think to yourself, “oh! It’s 30% cheaper than the Mystic Wand and virtually the same! Nailed it!” But you would not, in fact, have nailed it. The second time I went to try the Mini Magic Wand, I actually said out loud, “oh, I have to use that fucking piece of shit again.” Nobody was in the room. Just a cat snoozing on my desk. The Mini Magic Wand takes four AAs, the same type and number as the Mystic Wand, yet it uses them for evil. Loud and obnoxious and incredibly buzzy evil. Also, the batteries must be inserted into a stupid plastic contraption that . . . read more

Review: Rock Box

Review: Rock Box

Lovehoney sure likes to keep secrets from me. First it was the Sqweel, and now the ominously-named Rock Box, which I had to apply to review without knowing much beyond the fact that it was THE WORLD’S MOST POWERFUL SEX TOY!!!1!!1. Considering that phrase no longer means anything to me, undeterred and with a flourish, I wrote in the application box: I like to ROCK. And I have a lot of Aerosmith I could listen to whilst using the Rock Box. Apparently that was good enough, because Lovehoney sent me the Rock Box. Which is approximately ten times more ridiculous than I imagined it would be. The Hitachi is often called a power tool, but the Rock Box takes that shit to . . . read more

Review: Fairy Mini Mini Wand

Review: Fairy Mini Mini Wand

I always wondered why nobody tried to really shrink the Hitachi Magic Wand. That thing is unwieldy as fuck — heavy, long, with a head that really is bigger than it needs to be. It numbs my entire vulva within minutes — an unfortunate side effect of using the most powerful vibrator in existence. Finally, a Japanese company named Merci decided to take a stab at designing a miniature version of the Hitachi, and the result is the Fairy Mini Mini Wand. But can a pipsqueak like this defeat the reigning champ? Incredibly, and to my great amazement, it not only beats it — it one-ups it. At 7 1/4″ long, the Fairy Mini Mini is about a bazillion inches . . . read more

Review: Treeze Wave

Review: Treeze Wave

I used to hold to the unfounded belief that making any material vibrate would be an accomplishment. Trying the Don Wands Treeze Wave wooden vibrator, however, solidified my newly-established conviction that some materials just don’t need to vibrate — and wood is one of them. Don Wands would like you to believe that this vibrator is made entirely of wood (hence “Treeze”…), but the truth is easily uncovered: it’s a wood/urethane hybrid. I’m proud of their unabashedness (the material type is not hidden in a small font or anything), but I’m perturbed that I have no idea what percentage is wood and what percentage is urethane. The packaging is quick to point out all the positive aspects of this toy: it’s . . . read more

Video: Gyrating Massager Noise Test

Video: Gyrating Massager Noise Test

Look at me! I started a YouTube account for making videos of sex toys! This one is of the Gyrating Massager (see my review of it here). I went a little nuts with the video effects, so watch out! If you’re on YouTube, feel free to subscribe to my channel. I will continue to post the videos here as well.

Review: Gyrating Massager

Review: Gyrating Massager

When I saw this vibrator in its package for the first time, I gasped. It looked gargantuan. Huge. Dong-like. The art surrounding the actual toy is supposed to make the vibrator look as though it is “gyrating”; this only added to my impression of the vibrator as uber-massive. Wimpy rhinestones could not assuage me. Other than my boyfriend’s penis, nothing else I’ve stuck in my vagina has been bigger than 1 1/4 inches in diameter. This vibe’s diameter is only 1 1/2 inches, which isn’t especially large for experienced toy/penis users. But that 1/4 inch makes all the difference for my wuss of a puss. Plus, this vibe doesn’t have an easy-entry tip, and it’s made of hard (albeit velvety) . . . read more

Review: Illusion Wand Rapture

Review: Illusion Wand Rapture

Time for a fact check. Illusion? No, I don’t think I was imagining that thing buzzing manically in my vagina. Wand? Um, I guess so, if we are in a Disney movie. Rapturous? Well, I wouldn’t go that far. There is nothing especially innovative about the Illusion Wand Rapture. It’s covered in rubber cote, which I’m a sucker for, so it has a soft finish over its hard plastic. It’s 7 1/2 inches long, average sized in both length and girth. It takes 2 AAs, easily inserted into a circular hole in the end. It’s waterproof, but aren’t they all these days? So I didn’t expect what happened when I first turned on the vibrator. I pressed the button on . . . read more

Review: Sydnee's Elegant Endeavor

Review: Sydnee’s Elegant Endeavor

[This has been discontinued. Want an inexpensive but effective plastic vibe? Try the Turbo Glider.] I never thought of masturbation as “elegant,” nor have I ever described it as an “endeavor.” Perhaps if my experience with Sydnee’s Elegant Endeavor had been mind-blowing, I would be more convinced. But this vibrator from California Exotic is very mediocre, and at times, even unpleasant. This thing resembles a baton for a relay race, but it also reminds me of a candle. Since a candle works better as an analogy for my purposes here, let’s go with that; candles are both sexy and dangerous, and I think those two adjectives adequately describe the pros and cons of this vibrator. First the sexy part. This plastic vibe has a nice, . . . read more

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