I’m sometimes a hoot. Here is my greatest work.
I stand in the kitchen. The cat yells at me expectantly. I sigh: "I'm just taking out a butt plug, dude."
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 1, 2014
You know you're living your best life when you say goodbye to a friend and her parting words are "see you at the next orgy"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 11, 2017
Me getting a package in the mail from Astroglide pic.twitter.com/HBe03Kwzmm
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 28, 2016
Sorry I Was Late to Your Party, I Was Busy Masturbating… It's For Work, I Swear, Please Stop Laughing: Epiphora's Life Story
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 3, 2016
Innocently Drinking Wine on My Porch and My Neighbors Don't Know I Just Squirted: the Epiphora Story
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 13, 2016
Got invited to a queer fisting party tonight. I wasn't sure about going, but then I learned there will be a polydactyl cat at the residence
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 15, 2016
Not even kidding I just went to put my shoe on & this tiny dildo from @Tantus was stuck in the toe. ONLY IN MY LIFE pic.twitter.com/b6t1ZrPTxj
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 19, 2015
Last night I got drunk on wine and ordered a third computer monitor and filled out a cat adoption application. It was very on-brand
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) February 28, 2016
Me on my deathbed, feebly typing on my phone as I take my last breath: "yes, silicone sex toys can be stored together without melting"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 27, 2018
Imagine I died in a high-profile way + media analyzed my Twitter: "it appears she was masturbating frequently in the weeks before her death"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 31, 2013
Had a dream a guy fingering me complained I wasn't "wet enough." I screamed, "THAT DOESN'T INDICATE AROUSAL! IT'S SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN!"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) October 9, 2014
How to break the monotony when you're at work 'til 2 a.m. counting inventory, feat. @courtneykist pic.twitter.com/EDqRy3T7hy
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 19, 2017
MY VAGINA IS CLOGGED.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 15, 2009
I just learned that people have vaped semen.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 21, 2016
I can never unknow this.
Whenever a dude yells "that will make me obsolete!" about a sex toy, narrow your eyes, pause, and say very seriously:
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) September 8, 2015
"Yes, yes it will."
No big deal, just hanging out with my hero @TristanTaormino. pic.twitter.com/keCM18HJNH
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) April 27, 2016
Told my boyfriend I'm nervous about attending a sex party tonight (because I'm always nervous) and he said, "but you're verified on Twitter"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) September 10, 2017
Spotted this from afar at the grocery store and thought, "what, why does Safeway have a rainbow clitoris display?"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 3, 2017
GUYS I'M HOPELESS pic.twitter.com/AGHq2dHDPY
a bit of life advice: try to marry the kind of person who will spend more than 2 minutes in a sex shop picking out a dildo for you
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 21, 2016
I hereby pen the newest and greatest insult: "ugh, well, she was born with golden kegel balls in her vagina."
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) April 6, 2014
Thank you card from my aunt after I helped her go through my sex toy closet and take home a bag of toys. The best. pic.twitter.com/RGmneoVST9
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) September 9, 2015
What if, like wearing a perfume, people could choose their vulva's signature flavor? Like Thanksgiving Dinner or Freshly-Picked Blueberries?
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 17, 2015
HOT CUNNILINGUS TIP: don't take a goddamn break after every tiny lick, you asshole
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 26, 2017
ME FINGERING THE TWERKING BUTT! It squeezes you AND warms up. https://t.co/2U2K94roVS (video by @aeriesroom) pic.twitter.com/VPtMBiLAco
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 10, 2016
I had grand plans to be productive tonight but then I met somebody who reads the same super obscure smutty fanfiction I do, sooooooo
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 27, 2018
"I’m assuming since you have 3 adults one bed would not be enough space for you, correct?" —a hotel employee not understanding my lifestyle
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 3, 2016
My boyfriend's dad took home my computer to fix it and I guess there was a video of the inside of my vagina on the desktop soooooo… oops
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 15, 2015
Apropos of nothing, @come_heather made me a tiny harness. What a sweetheart! pic.twitter.com/7n99yq84C7
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 1, 2015
Yesterday at the shop a customer kept name-dropping me and I didn't have the heart to tell them I was the person cleaning the dildos.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 9, 2013
My college hounds me 2 donate but 4 some reason doesn't want me to come back & teach people how 2 talk about their genitals on the internet
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) April 17, 2014
Eco-friendly all-natural organic vegan cruelty-free locally-sourced sustainable fair trade carbon-neutral impact toy #dildoholiday pic.twitter.com/xbBfsm49mW
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 28, 2017
I'm finishing a review which begins "What is life if not a series of attempts at proving men totally, completely wrong?"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 30, 2016
So, be excited
Why Do Dildos Come in Different Shapes and Colors: A Documentary About the Questions Men Ask
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 10, 2015
I just had to move butt plugs off my phone to tweet this.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 6, 2014
"There are established ways to lift fingerprints from non-porous surfaces." OH GOD THEY'RE COMING FOR OUR CRIME SCENE DILDOS
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 10, 2013
Instead of that silly "sent from my iPhone" text, all my emails should automatically end with "sent while holding a dildo in my vagina"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 17, 2016
Business meeting at #dildoholiday. Serious business. pic.twitter.com/Jv157ZRuVA
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 6, 2015
Can I just buy everyone a therapist for Christmas
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 17, 2018
Someone just called me "the Samantha Bee of our nether regions" and I am absolutely living for it
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) October 23, 2016
My first girlfriend is posting pictures of her wife's cloth diaper stash and I'm writing about squirting on the internet. Different paths…
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 11, 2015
High me, watching porn: oh mannnn this shit is hot as fuckkkk…
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 25, 2017
Logical me, moments later: dude come on, you know this is mediocre at best
I just found one of my cat's hairs in my pubic hair.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) February 22, 2015
Thing I just said to my co-worker: "I think I'm out of touch with straight people"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 21, 2017
Yesterday at the shop, someone quoted one of my own reviews to me, not knowing I was me. IT WAS AWESOME
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 12, 2013
Just another night in my world. pic.twitter.com/79sxoJ5KQH
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 30, 2013
ACTUAL IM CONVO FROM 2009, WTF:
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) September 23, 2015
me: hitachi for squirting? how?
her: well- you ejaculate from your skenes gland… right?
me: lol i dunno
Tried to show my boyfriend video of the inside of my vagina during an orgasm. He got queasy. I yelled: "THAT'S WHERE YOUR PENIS GOES!!!"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 15, 2015
The nightmare of having a chip card reader at a sex shop:
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 19, 2017
"OK, just insert your—"
"Hahaha INSERT"
"Oh, push it in more—"
"HAHAHA PUSH IT IN"
LOLOLOL my boyfriend, buying batteries, told the convenience store clerk, "my girlfriend said it's an emergency." REAL DISCREET, BRO.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 29, 2011
Approximately 500,000 clean sex toys. This is why I need a dildo butler. pic.twitter.com/W0T3nsFW6B
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 30, 2015
I'm so high I just Googled "is the crunchwrap the best thing taco bell has ever done"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 27, 2017
As I was squirting just now I popped the dildo out of my vagina so intensely that it actually made me jump. DILDO JUMP SCARE
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 6, 2018
This dish drying rack is supposed to have dirty or clean sex toys in it. I don't think this is a sex toy?! pic.twitter.com/OS41EbSCKa
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 21, 2015
Springtime. I roll down my windows to appreciate the sweet smell of semen in the air.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) April 4, 2016
Can you blame people in sex shops, really? Everyone knows it's our most basic animal instinct to hit each other with dildos.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 14, 2018
can we talk about the fact that the vaginal environment literally KILLS as much sperm as it possibly can like how awesome is that
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) October 23, 2015
On a short trip with my mom. We're at the hotel pool and she commented on my bruises. "Oh, don't worry," I said, "they're all consensual."
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 9, 2017
Yesterday giggly ladies came into the shop & exclaimed "we should've had a glass of wine before this!" I said: "I'll be your glass of wine."
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 30, 2015
I mean why even HAVE abundant counter space if you're not going to litter it with copious amounts of butt plugs?
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) April 29, 2018
Your sex toy business should be masturbatory in nature, not masturbatory in marketing tactics.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 4, 2018
Last night extended family came over for a game night. I gave the house tour and… cont'd: http://t.co/rU4ddb0hbR pic.twitter.com/EA304w3pXv
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) October 10, 2015
My bleeding vagina + lube just made the most disgusting vag gunk on this dildo
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) October 13, 2015
You're gonna unfollow me
It looks like frothy nacho cheese
I heard a buzzing sound and my immediate thought was, "what, whose vibrator just turned itself on?"
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 13, 2016
…it was an actual bee.#dildoholiday
can we just make out while using vibrators on ourselves because that is ideal sex for me
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 6, 2016
Someone drops by unexpectedly; I mumble "oh god" while quickly trying to hide the dish rack piled high with dirty dildos
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 29, 2016
Actual photo of everything I put in my ass today yepppppp pic.twitter.com/5gTjMwPtbR
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) March 6, 2016
For the record, if my body is ever dissected to "prove" the G-spot doesn't exist, I will HAUNT the FUCK out of those researchers
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) February 28, 2018
I just squirted so far I felt it hit my sock.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) September 19, 2015
Vagfirmed. Definition: when you confirm something to be true. Vaginally.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 1, 2015
There was a cunnilingus class at work last night and afterward, a DJ Khaled song came on our stereo. I skipped that shit SO FAST.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 29, 2018
LET IT BE KNOWN, ONLY PRO-CUNNILINGUS MUSICIANS WILL BE PLAYED IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT.
Before leaving my boyfriend home alone for a few days…
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) June 9, 2016
Me: just keep the cats alive and try not to ejaculate on everything
Him: i'll try
.@aeriesroom has observed protocol: clean yr sex toys & lay them out so guests may marvel at your sparkling remnants. pic.twitter.com/v57FsAKs6x
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 25, 2014
In a booth, women were standing on a man's chest & face. One locked eyes with me & asked "do you want to stand on him?" OBVIOUSLY YES #AVN16
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) January 21, 2016
In other news a dude on OkCupid just told me "not a single thing about you is intimidating" and I feel like pulling a knife on him
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 20, 2015
I just started jerking off because I saw a stupid flash porn ad on a torrent site. Am I suddenly a 14-year-old boy???
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) November 6, 2014
Next time someone asks me the rate for a permanent banner ad on my site I'm gonna tell them to simply pay my mortgage until I die
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) May 31, 2016
.@Lelo_Official sent chocolates to my work and everyone made sure to leave the Mona for me. Yes. As it should be. pic.twitter.com/v3LaqShB52
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) December 10, 2015
I BROKE MY OWN RECORD. Two Monas sold within 20 minutes of opening, one within 10 minutes. #dumphimbuyamona
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 31, 2014
Dad: "paint is water-based now, so it washes off easily, unlike oil-based." Me: "just like lube."
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 26, 2014
10-pack of speculums & mic for dictating thoughts while I jack off. These are normal things normal people buy, yeah? pic.twitter.com/arh3n80bFV
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) July 14, 2016
Feel a cold coming on so I put Emergen-C in my wine. Problem solved.
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 21, 2014
Can I just have an "adults only" room at my moving sale? Can this become socially acceptable in the next month or so please?
— Epiphora (@Epiphora) August 12, 2014
