True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer

Why they didn’t pick me for True Life: I’m Famous Online, I’ll never know. So I made my own tag. See also #sexbloggerlyfe.

The secret truth about sex toy reviewing

The secret truth about sex toy reviewing

“Holy shit, you masturbate for a living?!” This is how people often respond when I tell them what I do, and honestly, I can’t blame them. On the surface, “sex toy tester” sounds like a dream job. “You’re so lucky!” they exclaim. “You get paid to orgasm!” But this is an oversimplification — and it starts to get annoying after a while. Aside from dismissing all the behind-the-scenes work that goes into running a blog, it glosses over the aspects of this job that are less than idyllic. While being a sex toy reviewer is definitely more fun than most jobs and has its fair share of perks,1 there are a number of drawbacks too. The following is a list of 22 unfortunate . . . read more

Step inside my sex toy closet

Step inside my sex toy closet

This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600. How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I . . . read more

A sex blogger by any other name

A sex blogger by any other name

I never know my name anymore. A few months ago, I was at sex educator friend’s party getting high out of a homemade bong and listening to Dark Side of the Moon. It was the most high school moment of my life — particularly so because, aside from meeting boys off the internet in mall parking garages, I never did anything terribly forbidden in high school. Amidst dramatic readings of Sextrology and attempts at acting out #buttstuff in charades, a woman I’d never met arrived at the party and asked my name. As I often do these days, I hesitated. The same thing happened at the airport coming home from Woodhull, when the restaurant hostess asked for a name to reserve a table. It happened when I . . . read more

Look, I got a sex toy manicure (at Finger Bang!)

Look, I got a sex toy manicure (at Finger Bang!)

[Top: Ryder, Pure Wand, Magic Wand Rechargeable, Mona 2. Bottom: Luna Beads, Joque, Mustang, Seduction. Photo by my boyfriend!] In the past, there was no option for me to enshrine my favorite objects — sex toys — on my fingernails. For one, I bit my nails ravenously until about 4 years ago (obsessively painting them helped me stop). Also, I feel like most traditional nail salons would not take kindly to a request for such “lewd” designs, and my life is just so lewd. But now there exists a place called Finger Bang. Aside from having a name that is irresistibly fun to say in front of your in-laws (after which you shrug nonchalantly and go “what? That’s what it’s called”), Finger Bang is open . . . read more

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

The simplehuman Sensor Pump squirting lube onto the njoy Pure Wand. Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions and glistening stainless steel bathroom accessories it beckoned, goading me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’d never spend $40 on an automatic soap dispenser, but in my household, the simplehuman Sensor Pump has a much more life-sustaining function: dispensing lube. Bzzzt. That’s the sound it makes. An adorable mechanical blip, and my god — it’s a glorious thing. The first time I used it, I couldn’t stop myself. Lube was flowing like water, like wine. It was one-handed. It was instantaneous. My left hand was still firmly grasping . . . read more

Together, we form one fully functional human

Together, we form one fully functional human

Sex toy temporary tattoos and the lengths we go through to photograph them. Photo by Kate Sinclaire. 7 sex bloggers were standing outside a glass blowing studio. We’d been waiting for an hour and there was no sign of the studio owners, who’d previously agreed to a private glass dildo making session. It was clear that we’d have to reschedule with them, but how? None of us wanted to pick up the phone. Finally, Girly Juice volunteered to call the studio the next day. The rest of us sighed with relief. Girly Juice thought it was funny that we kept calling her Girly Juice. But none of us could help it — and I’m sure we inadvertently scared everyone at the grocery store as . . . read more

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

Most of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a house, an experience that was completely new to me. As a person who earns most of their income through nefarious and elusive internet means, as well as a person who masturbates frequently and more peculiarly than most, I had some… unique considerations as a home buyer. My sex blogging played an interesting role not only in income verification and loan approval, but also in house hunting and logistically moving my 400+ sex toys safely from point A to point B. Here’s what I learned along the way. Those spreadsheets and ridiculous taxes paid off. For years I’ve been documenting my blog’s affiliate commissions and ad payments in spreadsheets, plus forking over exorbitant amounts of cash in . . . read more

When sex bloggers party

When sex bloggers party

Yes, we play with dildos, but not in the way you think… DILDO TUG OF WAR!!! A post shared by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on Dec 27, 2013 at 9:05pm PST Yes, we ride sex machines, but it is not very sexual. I just want to share the wealth that is the Sybian, and everyone’s curious about whether it feels like $1,300 of awesome. For many of my sex blogger friends, I am given the distinct honor and privilege of controlling the dial while they ride. I can now die happy. "I feel like Howard Stern right now" –@Epiphora — JoEllen Notte (@JoEllenNotte) December 28, 2013 We all agree that there is a point, somewhere after about 60% power, where we start . . . read more

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

A day in the life of a sex toy reviewer

“Glamorous” is not at all a word I would use to describe my life, yet the world continues thinking my days are filled with orgasms and sunshine. My job is sweet, I’ll give you that, but unless your definition of “glamorous” includes Photoshopping hairs off dildos, it’s not usually thrilling. On Friday, December 6th, I had the idea to document my day for your consumption. While this day didn’t include one of my signature marathon masturbation sessions, it was filled with many mundane yet very characteristic-of-my-life tasks, such as answering an avalanche of emails, tirelessly photographing sex toys, wrangling a sneaky cat, preparing a post, and yes — masturbating. 9:00 am: I wake up to see it snowing outside. The first . . . read more