The simplehuman Sensor Pump squirting lube onto the njoy Pure Wand. Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions and glistening stainless steel bathroom accessories it beckoned, goading me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’d never spend $40 on an automatic soap dispenser, but in my household, the simplehuman Sensor Pump has a much more life-sustaining function: dispensing lube. Bzzzt. That’s the sound it makes. An adorable mechanical blip, and my god — it’s a glorious thing. The first time I used it, I couldn’t stop myself. Lube was flowing like water, like wine. It was one-handed. It was instantaneous. My left hand was still firmly grasping . . . read more

Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not taste like perfume That it not contain glycerin or parabens That it not immediately slide off the sex toy I squirt it upon That it not come in a bottle that looks like something my mother would buy if she were furnishing a sex room, whilst thinking to herself, “isn’t that bottle just so fun?!” You would think this would not narrow the field down very much, but it actually does. A lot. And that’s not even taking feel into account, which I’ll readily admit is not my forte. I avoid reviewing lube at all costs because I simply cannot tell . . . read more

You probably don’t know this, but I’m fucking in love with Sliquid. I love their H2O and Sassy lubes, which are odorless, flavorless, and have a grand total of five ingredients each. Amazing? I think so. A desire for an all-natural clit stimulating gel is what lead me to Sliquid’s Stimulating O Gel. The last clitoral gel I tried was Shunga Secret Garden, which lists glycerin (A.K.A. “yeast infection”) as ingredient #2. The rest of the ingredients list is nothing to be proud of, either — lots of parabens (potentially carcinogenic), and L-Arginine (may cause outbreaks in those with genital herpes). By contrast, O Gel’s ingredients are as follows: Purified Water, Plant Cellulose (from Cotton), Aloe Barbadensis, Natural Tocopherols (Vitamin E), Cyamopsis . . . read more

It doesn’t taste like beer. At all. ((No, not even a little.))

If you have a stuffed-up nose and malfunctioning taste buds, Intimate Organics Hydra will seem completely perfect. It’s water-based, glycerin free, DEA free, and paraben free. It’s vegan. It has a truly perfect consistency: thin enough to feel effortless, thick enough not to drip off whichever toy I slather it on. It comes in a classy bottle, it works like a dream, and at $16 for 4 ounces, it’s a pretty good deal. With a fully functioning nose and tongue, however, the downfalls of Hydra become clear. The taste is really rancid — like eating perfume. It has a medicinal, fake clean smell to it that reminds my boyfriend of ballpoint pen ink and reminds me of sanitary pads. A . . . read more

Flavored lubes notoriously suffer from too-sweet syndrome — and gross-aftertaste syndrome — which is why I am generally skeptical of them. The Sex Tarts line, however, is called Sex Tarts, promising on its labels to be “tangy.” So I said, “prove it.” There are about a hundred million other Sex Tarts flavors, but I figured it would be best to choose flavors that I normally really like. You know, outside of lube. So I chose four: Green Apple Fizz, Tangy Tangerine, Electric Lemonade, and Peach Pucker. They came to me in 2 oz. flip-top tubes that are brightly-colored and far from discreet. The word “gaudy” comes to mind. Sex Tarts is water-based and a-little-too-proudly “sugar free” — especially since ingredient #2 . . . read more

Kama Sutra Love Liquid is water-based, but the untrained eye and vagina might think it silicone-based. It is insanely thin. So thin that it can ooze off the side of a toy if not quickly put to use. So thin that, on my clit, it doesn’t feel like lube at all — just like a nice slipperiness. The best word to describe the texture is “silky,” a word often used to describe silicone-based lube. Love Liquid is really quite impressive, although I’ll be the first to admit that my experience with lube is limited. It has a very, very, extremely faint citrus smell, and a somewhat synthetic but inoffensive taste. The aftertaste isn’t good, but it isn’t strong either. It . . . read more

Allow me a little embarrassment; I’ve never reviewed an arousal cream before. So I don’t really know how to compare Shunga Secret Garden cream to other products of its kind. The sensations of an arousal cream are so much different than the buzz of plastic or silicone. But I have to start somewhere, and this is certainly a good start, as I’ve kind-of become addicted to this arousal cream. The cream comes in a compact little box with a geisha on it. Inside, there are two paper products: a booklet with the history of Shunga and advertisements for other Shunga products, and a slip of paper explaining in four languages that “every woman is unique, so it’s only natural that . . . read more

How hard is it to review a massage oil? It must be hard, as I have been procrastinating writing this review for quite some time. And it finally occurred to me today: I become lost when a product does not function by coming into contact with my genitalia! Yes, that must be it. Massage oil is so tame, so average, so… suburban. It’s what boring couples use to “spice things up.” Despite that offensive statement, I love, love, love massages. I demand them from my boyfriend with alarming frequency. Usually on my feet, while we watch The Daily Show or a political documentary, but also on my back (more difficult to procure). So now I have Shunga Massage Oil, in . . . read more