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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Lube etc.

Random
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Warm Touch automatic warming lube dispenser standing upright and continuously dispensing, next to a lamp that resembles anal beads, and my cat on the bed.
Hi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Warm Touch warming lube dispenser

February 4, 2020
The problem of the lube bottle is one that manufacturers have been grappling with for some time. Awkward flip-top caps... Keep Reading
Greatest HitsLube etc.Pop ShotsSex Toy Reviews

Pop Shot: Beer Lube

January 31, 2010
It doesn’t taste like beer. At all.... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Love Liquid

June 24, 2009
Kama Sutra Love Liquid is water-based, but the untrained eye and vagina might think it silicone-based. It is insanely thin.... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Sex Tarts round-up

October 1, 2009
Flavored lubes notoriously suffer from too-sweet syndrome — and gross-aftertaste syndrome — which is why I am generally skeptical of... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Before and After Toy Cleaner

November 8, 2008
I have been, until now, a slave to the sink. After each session — sometimes right after, sometimes an hour... Keep Reading
Bottles of Sliquid lined up: Sliquid Sea, Organics Gel, and Sassy.
Greatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

My favorite lube? Sliquid anything

December 12, 2012
Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Hydra

October 15, 2009
If you have a stuffed-up nose and malfunctioning taste buds, Intimate Organics Hydra will seem completely perfect. It’s water-based, glycerin... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Stimulating O Gel

September 20, 2010
You probably don’t know this, but I’m fucking in love with Sliquid. I love their H2O and Sassy lubes, which are... Keep Reading
The simplehuman Sensor Pump on my nightstand, squirting lube onto my Pure Wand.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

June 10, 2016
Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: O’My lube

November 13, 2007
I have only owned one bottle of lube in my life (although I have tested quite a few at sex toy... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Massage Oil (Excitation)

February 4, 2009
How hard is it to review a massage oil? It must be hard, as I have been procrastinating writing this... Keep Reading
Lube etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Secret Garden cream

February 15, 2009
Allow me a little embarrassment; I’ve never reviewed an arousal cream before. So I don’t really know how to compare... Keep Reading

Fresh tweets

Perfect encapsulation of why Maude's ad campaign is such a pretentious joke https://t.co/HaNGhv2V3Q
7 hours ago
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Latest posts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

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