Masturbating like it’s 1925 with the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator, Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager [I published this on April Fool’s Day ’cause it’s fun, but everything here is real. I tell no lies.] The inventor of the first electrical vibrator, doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville, called his device “Granville’s Hammer” — and if that’s not obviously named by a man I don’t know what is. It was for male pain relief; he expressly didn’t want women to use it. “I have avoided, and shall continue to avoid the treatment of women by percussion,” he wrote in 1883, “simply because I do not wish to be hoodwinked, and help to mislead others, by the vagaries of the hysterical state.” Joke’s on . . . read more

Piph Lube, with the glitter settled at the bottom, in front of my sex toy closet. The idea, like all the best ideas, came to me while I was stoned. Lying in bed, half-asleep, it just popped into my head: my April Fool’s joke this year would be a fake lube containing ridiculous and very #me ingredients such as pinot grigio, Portland rain water, and of course, weed. If I wanted my fake lube to seem as believable as possible, I needed some help from my favorite sex toy retailer. SheVibe, the absolute darlings, readily agreed — to design the label, to source the bottles, and to create an actual product page on their site. I was gonna go all the . . . read more

[Surprise! This wine-infused sparkly stoner lube was an April Fool’s joke.] Feels like I’ve been waiting forever to tell you this and I’m nearly bursting at the seams. So I’m just gonna blurt it out: GUYS, I HAVE MY OWN LUBE NOW. It was my BFFs over at SheVibe who helped me turn this dream into reality. They’ve never helped develop a lube before, but they were down for the challenge. Now, after many months of planning, designing, and testing, it is here. Introducing Piph Lube: a radically stimulating water-based lubricant formulated with pure Portland rain water. This is the height of celebrity. I am so stoked. My first thought when brainstorming ideas for this lube was “how can I make it my . . . read more

April Fool’s Day has whizzed past us, and sadly for you, I have now wrestled back control of this blog and social media accounts from my sneaky band of felines. I took a short time off to do my taxes, get a manicure, book my flight to Woodhull (!!!), and change a thousand affiliate links. Now it’s back to human-powered rants and boring mid-masturbation tweets. Ho-hum. This was my 8th year doing an April Fool’s Day joke on my blog, and still, it is one of my favorite things to do each year. It’s a great time for me to LET LOOSE and do something weird that appeals to me. A brief history of my jokes: 2010: the cherry-scented vibro dong review and site re-design 2011: a mommy . . . read more

[This was a very feline April Fool’s joke.] Greetings, readers. This isss Boris speaking. I am the wrinkly grey cat from Instagrams, you know me. Hallo. Today is very special day on blog, for I have hacked into human’s computer machine. I have done necessary updating of website. Is good? Of course is. It is all cat, as should be. Remember, we own you. Now finally today us cats can speak our truths. Yesssss. We have been waiting. Formulating. Spending long nights in litterbox, thinking. We see human sit at computer all day, type type type, hands too busy for petting, ignorant of needs. She pose us for photograph like dolls. She feed us barely. It is crime. I watch human, gather evidence. This . . . read more

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section: (Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.) First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas. But . . . read more

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.] Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged. Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon, Fun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in . . . read more

Enjoy: bloopers from my April Fool’s Day video review: I had many ideas for April Fool’s Day this year, but the idea of a sex toy video review was solidified one night when I realized I could craft a video which began well but devolved into a pile of shit. It would start out great, with an awesome theme song and me being my charming1 self. Then there would be strange cuts. Bad lighting. I would say weird shit I wouldn’t normally say. But it would happen slowly, so that for as long as possible, the illusion of sincerity would remain. Then at the end? The same theme song, performed horribly. Even with this idea, I knew it would be hard to fool . . . read more

[This toy really is the worst, but this is mostly an April Fool’s joke.] In the past month, I’ve lost the ability to form full sentences. My fingers have forgotten how to type, settling only for clicking and dragging while I hold my breath. My eyes have been replaced with cameras, my legs with tripod attachments. But it has been worth it. Because now, finally, I can show you my first ever video review. I’ve dabbled in the video arts over the years, but this is a new level because it involves more than simply painting my nails. Written reviews are not going away — there will just be video reviews sprinkled in every once in a while. For this video review, I . . . read more