Yep, I actually put tiny dildos in my vagina

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. But I did, in fact, put them in my vagina.

Tiny dildos in a bowl.

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section:

Oh, Marcus. Oh, you. "Those tiny dildos are made from extra silicone. Never were they ever meant to go in any orifice like that."

(Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.)

Tiny dildo mock-up photo of all the dildos on a wooden shelf. Before dusting my shelf, obviously.

First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas.

But I also want to set the record straight about something: I did, in fact, do all the things I wrote about in my review, including inserting the tiny dildos one by one into my vagina (on two occasions, for some godforsaken reason). I definitely did not enjoy it, but I did it anyway because… and here’s the funny/sad thing…  it never occurred to me that I could just not actually use the toys.

Tiny dildo mock-up photo of them acting as toe separators during a pedicure.

I was legitimately surprised when the post went up and folks seemed to think I’d made up my experiences. Perplexed, I called my boyfriend into my office and told him about the reaction. Faking it would have felt “disingenuous,” I told him.

“Well, I’m glad you’re so worried about your integrity!” he replied, and I laughed for hours.

Tiny dildo mock-up photo. I tried to stage them with a candle water feature thingy.

Without experiencing it firsthand, though, how would I conjure such similes as “like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood”? The answer is, I wouldn’t. I’m just not that clever. I need to experience things to have any handle on writing about them.

These are my mock-up photos, because of course I took mock-up photos to make sure my visions were going according to plan. I didn’t like how the photo with the water fountain looked, so I scrapped it. But tiny dildos do make excellent replacements for rocks.

There are 342 days until April 1, 2017. Somehow, that seems like barely enough time.