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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

Giveaways

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  • A to Z
Giveaways

The hella gay rainbow dildo giveaway

July 5, 2022
Happy belated Pride to all my queer compadres! I spent June sick with COVID, suffering through gloomy weather (homophobic, Oregon),... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Masturbation memories: a sex toy giveaway (50 prizes!)

October 12, 2021
Here we are, in the formerly-futuristic year 2021, and it’s been 14 years since I sat in my college dorm... Keep Reading
GiveawaysHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

February 18, 2021
Is it a sign things are finally looking up? Fuck, I’ll take anything. A pair of legendary vibrators, cult classics,... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

November 1, 2020
Somehow it’s November already, and with it comes the conclusion of my sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse giveaway.... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

October 9, 2020
2020 is not the year we ordered. We’ve spent almost 7 months in quarantine, and now we’re heading into a... Keep Reading
GiveawaysSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Zumio E

July 29, 2020
The tiniest tip ever to wiggle against my clit has morphed once again. It’s called the Zumio E, and it’s... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Volta vibrator (black line) in the snow.
Giveaways

Giveaway: get goth with an all black vibrator!

March 19, 2019
The last vestiges of winter are stubbornly hanging on, but I know just how to melt your frozen hearts: a... Keep Reading
Person wearing the Oxyd Creations bike tube harness.
Giveaways

Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!

December 6, 2018
Have you seen how beautiful the harnesses by Oxyd Creations are? Well if you haven’t, you’re in for a treat... Keep Reading
Mini giveaway attractions in my dildo carnival sex toy giveaway
Giveaways

Dildo carnival giveaway winners

November 17, 2018
It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

October 3, 2018
Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just... Keep Reading
Sex toy giveaway, featuring the njoy Pure Wand, We-Vibe Tango, and Sliquid lube
Giveaways

Giveaway: win sex toys for you and a friend!

August 17, 2018
Did you hear? I’ve partnered with one of my newest affiliates, Spectrum Boutique, to spoil you AND a friend with... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Rock your G-spot giveaway winners!

May 19, 2018
Recently, somebody pointed out to me just how far my giveaways have come. An old giveaway from the early days... Keep Reading
Giveaway: rock your G-spot with the Fun Factory Stronic G!
Giveaways

Giveaway: rock your G-spot!

April 17, 2018
Hey, friend, how’s your G-spot doing lately? Still real, despite what the media says? Perhaps feeling a bit drab, a little... Keep Reading
Congrats & thank you for entering my giveaway! Graphic of sex toy prizes and Boris in the corner saying "good work, human."
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway winners (plus Boris video!)

November 19, 2017
That’s it! The hugest sex toy giveaway of the year is over, and I have awarded all 100-ish prizes to the... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway! Grand prize worth $1,000+!

October 16, 2017
Hi, hello, I’m commemorating 10 years of sex blogging with the most extravagant sex toy giveaway I’ve ever done. I’m... Keep Reading
Graphic of all the amazing prizes in vector form. SO MANY!
Giveaways

Sex toys for all giveaway winners

November 23, 2016
I’m exhausted, y’all. Turns out, awarding over 50 sex toy prizes to over 50 different people is tiring! But I’m... Keep Reading
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Latest posts

Movie Night: The Final Member

The hella gay rainbow dildo giveaway

A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

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