Somehow it’s November already, and with it comes the conclusion of my sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse giveaway. Will the actual apocalypse happen this week? Who knows! We’ll have to wait and see! Let’s not talk about it!
I must say, I am HIGHLY impressed by the turnout. 5,363 people entered the giveaway, the largest number in the history of ever. Only one (1) person chewed me out for talking shit about cops, and even that was a fairly tame response (think “disappointed dad” energy). The graphics, which were done by the incredible Addison Finch, got tons of well-deserved love. Many of you participated in the scavenger hunt, combing through past blog posts with astonishing fervor. For a moment, my sense of impending doom lifted.
Below are the 10 lucky winners, all of whom have been contacted and confirmed!
- Kit #1: Greetings from the Anarchist Jurisdiction goes to… Holly!
- Kit #2: I Hope This Email Finds You Well In These Unprecedented Times goes to… Taylor!
- Kit #3: Fuck the Police (But Not in That Way) goes to… Alice!
- Kit #4: Our Mask Policy is Clearly Stated goes to… Gray!
- Kit #5: All My Fun New Neuroses goes to… Kassondra!
- Kit #6: Gather Necessary Items goes to… Beth!
- Kit #7: Zoom Fatigue goes to… Ben!
- Kit #8: Burn Down the Apple Store goes to… Aaron!
- Kit #9: Bulk Wine Order goes to… Lyss!
- Kit #10: Stay Inside, the Air is Literally Poison goes to… Harriet!
The most popular kit was Kit #3: Fuck the Police (But Not in That Way) with 1913 people entering for it, followed by Kit #1, Kit #7, and Kit #10 with about 1300 people each.
Sadly I can’t give you all free sex toys, but Black Friday is soon, and as usual I’ll be keeping you up-to-date on the best sex toy sales. Stay tuned.
Pack your bug-out bag — scavenger hunt answers
To add some extra apocalyptic flavor to the giveaway, I planted various “bug-out bag” items in previous blog posts. I know you’re all dying to know the answers to the hints, so here they are!
- PHONE: “Inexplicable Angry Dolphin Noise Echoes Through Neighborhood; Source Unknown.” A: OhMyG.
- MASK: “Creepy Guy Gives Questionable Sex Advice to Young People.” A: Thanks for the mansplanation, but I greatly prefer my vibrator.
- MONEY: “Report Finds Usage of Spot Removal Tool Up 5000% After Invention of Silicone Dildo.” A: The secret truth about sex toy reviewing.
- BORIS: “Company Threatens to Take Blogger to Court Over Unsavory Nicknam.e” A: Revel Body (AKA Shit Orb).
- BACKPACK: “Woman’s G-spot Shaken, But Intact After Overzealous Vibration.” A: Deluxe G-spotter Hitachi attachment.
- WINE: “Costly Object Deemed Unsightly, Unpleasant in Peer-Reviewed Analysis.” A: Rumble Seat.
- POCKET KNIFE: “The Time For Labial Revitalization is Now, Company Asserts.” A: This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850.
- HAND SANITIZER: “Grinning Creature Strangely Content with Snuggling Up to Assholes.” A: Flexi Felix.
- FLASHLIGHT: “Data Shows Rise in Lackadaisical Masturbatory Tendencies.” A: Pleasure Mate Collection.
- WATER BOTTLE: “Modern Floozy Desecrates Foremother’s Earthly Possessions.” A: Vintage vibrators.
The most-found item was the PHONE with 1,133 claims. The least-found item was, fittingly, the HAND SANITIZER with 645. (I knew that one would be challenging because the post is oooold.) The BACKPACK, designed to be the most perplexing, was found by 702 people. I’m a terrible judge of how easy or hard my hints are, but I’m extremely pleased that 794 of you have been around long enough to remember the Shit Orb.
Thank you to everyone for your dedication and excitement and all the sweet things you said about the giveaway. We’re clearly on the same wavelength, since literally nobody complained that I was being “too political.”
Which was the hardest bug-out bag item for you to find? Did you re-discover any enjoyable old posts? Any embarrassing ones?
MY NEVERENDING THANKS to the companies who donated to this giveaway: Activest Teacher, Crystal Delights, Dame, Early to Bed, Fun Factory, Hot Octopuss, LuzArte, New York Toy Collective, njoy, Peepshow Toys, Pink & White, Portland Toy Company, Riverqueer Leatherwork, SelfDelve, She Bop, SheVibe, Sliquid, Smitten Kitten, Stockroom, Tantus, Tenga, Uberrime, Velvet Thruster, Vibratex, We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Zumio.
