The great Mona summer party winners

Artistic representation winners: Monapoly by SnarkIsRequired, watercolor by Mandi, shadowbox by Coryphelle
Giveaway: the great LELO Mona 2 vibrator summer party!

It wouldn’t be enough to call my great Mona summer party giveaway a success. Over 1,000 humans entered via the widget, with even more reblogging, posting in the comments section, and joining the Twitter party, for well over 10,000 individual entries. This giveaway was a whirlwind — and rightfully so.

I asked for the unthinkable: to give away 10 of my favorite vibrator, the LELO Mona 2, open to international readers. Generously, LELO said yes. Then it got better. When the giveaway wrapped, I found myself at an impasse trying to choose just one winner for “best artistic representation of Mona” and two for “best sob stories.” I emailed LELO about my plight, and they floored me by agreeing to five winners for each of those categories.

Yes, a total of seventeen winners.

For the past month, I’ve been very busy packing and hauling boxes into my new house. But when I did have a moment to relax, I thoroughly enjoyed thumbing through the giveaway entries. Thank you all for bringing joy to my stressful times; now it is time to announce all the winners!

If you did not win, I highly suggest you go purchase a Mona 2 (or whatever else) through LELO directly to thank them for their generosity. They donated over $2,300 in product for this giveaway. That’s outrageous.

Best artistic representation of Mona

I learned something important with this giveaway: y’all are willing to go to extreme lengths to win an amazing sex toy.

Three people made physical art that blew me away: Snark IsRequired made MONApoly, Mandi painted a “Dump Him, Buy A Mona” watercolor, and Coryphelle put together a sex toy shadowbox:

Artistic representation winners: Monapoly by SnarkIsRequired, watercolor by Mandi, shadowbox by Coryphelle

In MONApoly, jail is “Watch Battery Vibe Cove,” Water Works is the “Sliquid Lube Tap,” the railroads are “Mona Chargin’ Stations,” Luxury Tax is “Coffee Tax,” and Chance is “Truth and Sweet Justice,” named after the two cats in my superhero persona. The game pieces are tiny clay Monas, and there’s a card which reads “Your Mona is charging. Miss a turn until the charge is full.” I AM LIVING FOR THIS GAME.

The Mona is depicted with the elegance it deserves in “Dump Him, Buy A Mona,” a glorious watercolor rendition of my favorite hashtag. Best of all, this art represents Mandi getting her hands dirty after not touching her art supplies for two years. Yes!

It is a true testament to Coryphelle’s skill that each of the toys she sculpted for her shadowbox is immediately recognizable. I mean, look at those wands! Sex toys should always be sculpted out of clay and pinned to corkboard. Way better than butterflies.

THEN, there were the songs. Two of them so good that both had to win. Eva Gantz sang a beautiful rendition of CeeLo’s “Fuck You” and WARNING IT WILL GET STUCK IN YOUR HEAD FOREVER:

I see you all over town in the shops I love
Wish I could fuck you
I guess the change in my pocket wasn’t enough
For me to fuck you
If I was richer, you know I’d get you
You’re on my wishlist
It’s nothing more than a dream
But a wet one it seems
Wish I could fuck you

Ashes, who picked up on the fact that I shamelessly love Eve 6, covered “Inside Out” and re-wrote the lyrics. I have no idea what a “vaginal epiphora” is, but I think I want one.

I would swallow my pride, I would buy it online
But the lack of funds would leave me empty inside
Sit here and pout, I don’t wanna go out
Do nothin’ but watch some nuttin’
Want to put my tenders on a Lelo-bender
Swoosh it all around, make a vaginal epiphora
Rendezvous with a Mona 2

I burn, burn like a jelly dildo, chock full of chemicals
I see my vag has gotten burned
A quick shock from a cock is painful
I should’ve bought a Wahl, I want to throw it at the wall
I hear words and clips and phrases
Like “revolutionize
My stomach turns, I roll my eyes

The caliber of art submitted to this giveaway was amazing. It was tremendously difficult to choose just five winners for this category. Here’s some of the other awesome art that was submitted.

Artistic representations of the LELO Mona 2

Art by Kaguya, thelesserunknown, Catarina D, Alyssa Ilene, BlabberBits, and Mr. Will.

Best tweet

My favorite tweets about the giveaway came from @henrysteelz. The very best was this one:

So, 140-character master of words, Mona for you!

Best sob stories

This was the hardest bit of all. I asked for you guys to give me a reason you should win a Mona beyond “I like orgasms.” I was not asking for the saddest depths of human despair, but… that’s sort of what I got. I truly wish I could give you all Monas, but here are the five that I chose.

Elle Marie, who was suffering through timed intercourse to prove her infertility to her insurance company. Thankfully, she tells me that she has finally received a fertility services referral, but there is still a long road ahead.

Amanda, whose guide dog got sick — to the tune of an $1,800 operation.

Two brave anonymous folks who are each working to take back their sex lives: one was abducted and tortured for a year, the other is recovering from an abusive relationship. My heart goes out to you both, and I hope the Mona is just a small step in the right direction.

Jim Platt, who recently reconnected with a former flame from 50 years ago after the deaths of both their spouses. Her birthday is in a few months — I think the Mona will make a perfect early birthday present!

Twitter trivia party winner

The Twitter party on August 13th was an enormous success! We used #monaparty and I asked trivia questions culled from LELO’s site, my Mona review, and my back-up Mona post. Folks shared Mona memories and photos of their cats with their Monas.

I thought I was being crafty with my trivia questions, but you guys were ON TOP OF THINGS. So many quick, correct answers. My mind was boggled. Ultimately, when all the names were put into the virtual hat, @Celevon came out on top. And it’s no wonder, considering their technique:

Random winners

Last but not least, five entrants from the giveaway widget were chosen randomly. Those winners are Imogen, HRH Alicia, Emily Panda, Khadeja, and Alyssa!

Congratulations to all seventeen winners. May your Monas bring you great happiness!

Now I must begin planning my annual blogiversary giveaway. Oh god. It never ends. Which toys do you want to win in October, peeps?