Watch battery bullets can suck it

Last updated:

Hey, watch battery bullets — have I told you lately to suck it?

No? Yeah, that’s because usually when a dildo comes with a watch battery bullet, I toss the bullet into a container and never use it. Hence, the existence of a watch battery bullet tends to read as an afterthought in many of my reviews.

These silver rascals come with many Tantus dildos, and other dildos with holes in their bases. They also sometimes disguise themselves with wild colors and designs. But they all suck just as equally. Let me elaborate:

They arrive D.O.A. or die quickly. I estimate that 75% of the watch battery bullets I receive come to me already dead. And if one doesn’t, I can rest assured it’ll be dead soon. If I ever use it…

They break. I have had more than one bullet randomly break on me. They become unusable, with unresponsive buttons and fickle bouts of vibration.

I look stupid putting the batteries in. The tiny batteries must be dropped into the bullet at just the right angle — all three of them. It’s like a carnival game, only completely stripped of all joy.

Watch batteries are annoying to buy and not rechargeable. Many argue that watch batteries are expensive, which is debatable. You can get a decent deal if you buy them in bulk, but who wants to do that? Also consider: rechargeable AAs last for 1,800 charges each. Yeah.

Their purpose is fulfilled by better toys. If I want a bullet that fits in the bases of dildos and anal toys and the pockets of harnesses, I’ll use the Tango or Vooom.

Oh yeah, and I’d rather get off with anything else. Like, I don’t know, something stronger. Or rumblier. Or more interesting. Or rechargeable. Anything that’s not a watch battery bullet.

So next time you see me pooh-poohing watch battery bullets, you will know precisely why.

For now, I knock the watch batteries out of their bullets and put them in my laser pointer. My cats have far more fun with “The Red Bug” than I ever will with a watch battery bullet.