Review: Rider

Jollies Rider

The Jollies / LuzArte Rider is an unusual beast. Part lump of silicone, part vibrator, it is meant to nestle inside the vagina and quietly, secretly, stimulate. While it may look as unassuming as a river rock, it is actually quite large, at 4.5″ long and 1.75″ in diameter. It comes with a one-speed silver (not purple) watch battery bullet with a long string and bead attached to it; this bullet goes into a hole in the end of the Rider.

For my first experience with the Rider, I thought I’d try it without the bullet. Huge mistake. After much lube and much shoving, I was able to secure the Rider just past my pubic bone where it felt semi-comfortable (it still felt like it needed to be pushed a little, but it would not go further). I walked around for a bit feeling unimpressed by the sensation of a chunk of silicone hanging out in my vagina. Then I went to pull the Rider out. I shoved a finger in the bullet hole and… wait a second, there was no way for me to grasp any other part of this thing. It was lodged too far in, and with too much lube. After several failed attempts at pulling Rider out while on my back, I sounded a distress call on Twitter: “MY VAGINA IS CLOGGED.”

After the world giggled at my misfortune, many followers and friends offered me ideas about how I could extract the Rider. My options were as follows:

  • Tweezers, pliers, etc.
  • Plunger.
  • Say “beetlejuice” out loud three times until Michael Keaton comes to remove it.
  • Push, preferably while yelling “hee! ho!”
  • Duct tape.
  • Vacuum.
  • Stick a finger in my ass and push it out from there.
  • Orgasm it out.
  • Leave it there for my gyno to find. Surprise!

In the end (although I was entirely prepared to go to more extreme measures, and although I inexplicably wanted to try the duct tape idea), I found myself squatting over the toilet, a finger shoved in the hole for the bullet, my thumbnail digging into the silicone. Pulling for dear life. And finally, my efforts were rewarded and the Rider slid out, now with a fresh fingernail indentation in its squishy body. The world rejoiced, and so did my semi-distressed vagina.

I needed to use the Rider the way it was meant to be used, with bullet in. Knowing that watch battery bullets are slippery fellows, I tried the Rider twice with different bullet positions. First I tried it with the bullet’s head hanging out of the silicone a bit. Problem with this? Well, it vibrated my labia more than anything else, and I definitely would not be able to put up with that kind of vibration for more than five minutes.

So I tried it with the bullet nestled completely inside the hole. And that was the most positive experience of all, though not without its own issues. The vibrations carried throughout the silicone, which felt good, but I could also feel the Rider lightly irritating my cervix (a 4.5″ toy pushed past my pubic bone is pretty long). It wasn’t horrible, but it didn’t blow my mind.

Thankfully, both times, the string was sufficient for pulling the Rider out of my vagina, so there were no more vagina cloggings. The problem came after the Rider was out of my vagina and I had to remove the bullet. The suction created by the silicone had a chokehold on the bullet, and even my best efforts pulling on the string could not get it to budge. I handed it to my boyfriend. He pulled on the string with considerable strength, and out popped… the bullet’s cap, with the watch batteries spewing all over the floor.

We had to use a pair of pliers to extract the rest of the bullet, which also popped out forcefully. After that, every time I put batteries in the bullet chamber, the thing starts vibrating on its own. My boyfriend is not convinced that this is a result of plier abuse, but I see no other reason for it, since it was working fine prior to “the incident.”

So I have to concede that there is really no way to use this toy without some complication. If you use it without the bullet, you’ll spend years getting it out. If you use it with the bullet hanging out, it will vibrate your labia. If you use it with the bullet pushed in, you will spend years pulling it out, and will possibly break the bullet.

The Rider is really a quite innovative toy, and it has a lot of potential. The shape, which is molded after the inside of a vagina, is great — but it’s too long for my particular vagina, and very thick as well. If it were a bit smaller, with an internal (rechargeable?!) vibration system and a silicone string permanently attached to its body for removal, it would be a fabulous device. Instead, I have to file the Rider under “good idea, bad execution.”

Get Jollies / LuzArte toys at Spectrum Boutique. (My faves are listed here.)
Or use code EPIPHORA to get 15% off your entire order directly from LuzArte.

Get 15% off at LuzArte (formerly Jollies) with code EPIPHORA