Masturbating like it’s 1925 with the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator, Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager [I published this on April Fool’s Day ’cause it’s fun, but everything here is real. I tell no lies.] The inventor of the first electrical vibrator, doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville, called his device “Granville’s Hammer” — and if that’s not obviously named by a man I don’t know what is. It was for male pain relief; he expressly didn’t want women to use it. “I have avoided, and shall continue to avoid the treatment of women by percussion,” he wrote in 1883, “simply because I do not wish to be hoodwinked, and help to mislead others, by the vagaries of the hysterical state.” Joke’s on . . . read more

The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat in front of my sex toy closet. When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want the response to be “that looks like a toilet.” But that’s where I was. I was the guy bringing the sex machine to the party, and my sex machine immediately turned everyone off. One guest stated bluntly, “that’s not attractive enough to fuck, not at all.” “It looks like something a toddler would sit on,” another added. Nobody disputed it. Clearly, we were all super aroused. The subject in question was the Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, and it was getting quite the icy reception for a contraption that retails for . . . read more

June 16, 2016 Gold-star multi-tasking today: I alternate between jacking off and watching just-released Big Brother cast interviews. (I have to form judgments on the contestants for a fantasy league I participate in, because I have quality taste in both television and extracurricular activities.) I’m flipping between the LELO Siri 2, LELO Lily 2, and We-Vibe Touch in order to answer an email about how they compare… and you know, blasphemous as it is to say, the Lily 2 is a pretty solid toy. It has a much more robust motor than days of old, so it’s even a bit more powerful than the Touch — more vibration in my fingers, though. June 22, 2016 8 a.m. I’m awake, unfortunately, lying . . . read more

The Bubble Love has been discontinued, but check out the WaterSlyde. I am one of many who grew up getting my orgasms from the bathtub faucet. Legs spread, back against the bottom of the tub, water pouring delightfully over my clit, I’d lay there with my mind split between thrilling newfound pleasure and neurotic calculation of how long I could run the bath before it seemed suspicious. I almost certainly ran up my parents’ water bill from roughly 2000 to 2002. (Sorry, guys. At 14 I was too stupid to even know water bills existed.) But I later graduated to circling a Sharpie over my clit through my underwear, and after that, vibrators. Glorious, glorious vibrators. So many shapes, so many options, such ease. I started . . . read more

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.] Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged. Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon, Fun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in . . . read more

I can’t prove it — unless Google Talk instant message logs count as evidence — but I had this idea first. Rolly kegel balls in a butt plug? Oh yes. Years ago. You can imagine my delight when not one but two companies came out with products closely following my vision. You can imagine my despair when both of them failed me. The Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug was the first to let me down. First with the name, because NO. Second with the “diamond” base. Chintzy and laughable, it looks like one of those fake mirrors a Barbie would hold. But mostly with the sensation. The Geisha Plug’s bulb is smaller than a marshmallow, so it’s easily inserted… but something feels immediately, . . . read more

I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting a Magic 8 Ball. The Ceramix No. 4 doesn’t feel like that, which is one reason you shouldn’t buy it. But it’s not the main one. The other reason is that it’s made by Pipedream. I hate this company and want to burn it to the ground. They have violently sexist and racist marketing, which they defend with statements about how men are basically pigs anyway. They write upsetting press releases and send repulsive emails. Their silicone dildos are stuffed with foam, their “metal” toys are nowhere near stainless steel, and they rip off shapes from njoy and Crystal Delights. The . . . read more

My rollercoaster ride with the OVO L1 Silicone Love Balls began one fateful afternoon in August. Days before, I’d sweated my ass off cleaning and organizing my garage. But it was not completely The Worst, because I had the LELO Luna Beads in my vag. They jiggled and joggled as I hauled boxes back and forth, reminding me that life was perhaps worth living despite the creeping despair that comes with realizing you own way too much goddamn stuff. Then, a few days later, I put in the OVO kegel balls, hoping to replicate the experience as I continued packing for my new home. And… I promptly forgot they were in. They were in for many hours, and I was doing strenuous work, yet they did not shiver, they . . . read more

I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more