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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

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    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

“The Industry”

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Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!
"The Industry"BanterShenanigansSunshine & RainbowsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

September 25, 2020
Fun Factory has been a trailblazer in the sex toy industry since their inception. They utilized silicone from the get-go,... Keep Reading
The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

April 11, 2020
Sex shop floors, once bustling with customers, have morphed into makeshift staging areas for packing online orders. The display dildos... Keep Reading
Cards in a sex game called "Foreplay"
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, NoWhine Time

How not to design a sex game

March 9, 2018
Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I ask myself regularly. I have a whole label... Keep Reading
A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

August 20, 2017
There’s a glimmer of recognition that crosses someone’s face when I ask, “have you ever encountered a sex toy that... Keep Reading
Sex toys from defunct manufacturers Jollies, Whipspider Rubberworks, Eros & Isis, Fucking Sculptures, Papaya Toys, and Ophoria
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

When we lose sex toy companies we love

July 30, 2017
“Everything’s temporary if you give it enough time.” —Jewel Last week, I learned that Fucking Sculptures is closing up shop.... Keep Reading
Browsin' SheVibe's new site on my laptop
"The Industry"Banter

SheVibe’s new site = awesome

July 24, 2017
There comes a time in every website’s life when it starts to outgrow itself. It becomes clunky, out-dated, technologically subpar.... Keep Reading
We-Vibe Sync vibrator with gavel
"The Industry"BanterDon't Trust the HeadlinesFeaturesSex Toy News

So, about that We-Vibe lawsuit…

March 15, 2017
It’s all over the news right now that We-Vibe is settling a lawsuit over their app-enabled vibrators, and naturally, everyone wants... Keep Reading
Whipspider Rubberworks Tentacle dildo
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Saying goodbye to Whipspider Rubberworks

January 11, 2014
Want a fantastical dildo in the shape of a unicorn horn or tentacle? This is your last chance. [Edit, years later:... Keep Reading
Limited edition tie dye Maverick. My first one was a flesh tone.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Discontinuation alert: Vixen neon dildos

October 29, 2013
I HATE WRITING POSTS LIKE THIS, but you guys deserve to know before it’s too late. These beauties from Vixen... Keep Reading
Bendable Vertebrae vibrators: colorful, worm-like vibrators in strange positions... because they have SPINES.
"The Industry"BanterGreatest HitsToybox Reports

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

July 22, 2013
In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory,... Keep Reading
Dildology logo, a magnifying glass inspecting a dildo.
"The Industry"Banter

Once and for all: what’s in our sex toys?

May 14, 2013
Everyone knows regulation in the sex toy industry is practically nonexistent, right? We all accept that as fact. We have... Keep Reading
Yep. I definitely made a graphic of sex toy magnetic poetry. What, you don't like "erotic objects" or "love aids"?
"The Industry"BanterDon't Trust the Headlines

What should we call sex toys?

February 8, 2013
While the rest of the world was chomping on chips and gluing their unblinking eyes to a TV on Superbowl... Keep Reading
The polka dot Jollet and a purple Jollie standing next to each other, near a green shower caddy.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Jollies resurfaces… on Etsy

January 19, 2012
I mourned the death of sex toy company Jollies half a year ago, but it looks like we all might... Keep Reading
Jollies / LuzArte Jack, Thrust, Mr. Man, and Jollie lying on the floor.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Goodbye, Jollies

June 21, 2011
I suspected it was coming when I saw the Jollies toys disappearing from the stores. Everything becoming out of stock.... Keep Reading
Bleeding Pussy Stroker with Blood Lubricant
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No?: Topco’s Fucked line

July 23, 2010
Okay, so, Topco has this new toy line entitled Fucked, and… I’m don’t even know what to think about it.... Keep Reading
True fact.
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesWhine Time

EdenFantasys: A pattern of deception

May 21, 2010
EdenFantasys is a huge presence in the world of online sex shops. But ubiquity does not equal goodness, and behind... Keep Reading
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Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Piph Libs™: mad libs for discerning perverts

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

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