This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600. How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I . . . read more

[But what about the Mona Wave, you ask? It’s a half-assed imposter.] I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So much that I rush to comfort it when it falls off my nightstand. “Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about that vibrator. The Mona is the only sex toy I take on trips. I force shops to add it to their inventory. I subtly push people toward it in my job on the floor of a sex toy boutique (my current record is within 20 . . . read more

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more

[Check out my April Fool’s Day review of my tiny dildos!] I think I can call this a legit collection now. Back in April, after jealously ogling everyone’s photos of the mini Tantus dildos at Momentum Con, the lovely Jenna sent me a few in various colors. They are mini Goliaths, and I adore them. I set them up on my shelf all in a row, and threw that ridic PicoBong die up there, too, because what else was I gonna do with it? Then when I saw Searah at Early to Bed talking about Fleshlight samples and Vixen Creations penises the other day, I saw an opportunity to expand my collection of weird tiny sex toy thing-a-majigs. I made an order for some Sliquid Sea . . . read more

Rechargeable sex toys can free people from the burden of clunky batteries, but there’s one side effect that kinda sucks: wrangling all the charging cords. I have never had a good system for this. My sex toys themselves are nicely tucked away in their plastic storage chests and dedicated boxes, but I let my charging cords run amok. I have a big-ass power strip on a table next to my desk, and that’s where I would plug in anything I needed to charge… and leave it there. Well, that wasn’t working out well. Imagine a big black mass of spaghetti and you’ll be pretty close to what it looked like. And it was extremely inefficient! Every time I unplugged something, I’d have to . . . read more

I emailed Tantus last week because someone bought stuff on their site through my affiliate link, but the sale didn’t show up in my affiliate control panel. I was directed to Jenna, whom I’ve had a lovely time emailing back-and-forth with. To my great surprise, our conversation turned into a chat about what colors of sex toys I like/loathe1, and how I don’t own any dual-density O2 toys from Tantus. Little did I know what would come next. Tantus is a small company with a limited budget, but somehow, Jenna pulled some strings and sent me a box of goodies that is going to single-handedly wipe out all the rest of my sex toy storage space. My jaw. It dropped. Seriously, . . . read more

…my sex toy collection fit in one toybox (and my photography skillz sucked): This photo was taken on September 6th, 2008. Most of the toys in this box are toys I never use anymore — or that I’ve given away. The exceptions are the Turbo Glider (still awesome, though used rarely) and the Gold Ribbed Love Wand (my first glass dildo — sorta like this — and remains one of my favorites). This was before my toys spilled into five different cases, and way before I switched to plastic drawers for storage. I still had yet to try a silicone dildo, or a butt plug that I could really walk around with. And I hadn’t discovered my G-spot, either. Yep, definitely don’t miss those . . . read more

Click to embiggen. Yes, my friends! The time has come! No longer will you have to slave away on the internets trying to figure out WTF that-one-toy-in-Epiphora’s-header is. No longer will you have to sheepishly email/tweet me and awkwardly try to describe the location of the toy you need identified. I took the picture that became my header image in fall of 2008, when I bought HeyEpiphora.com, so these toys are all from that time. Some of them are a bit embarrassing… Evolved Symphony Rhapsody Hitachi Magic Wand — I received my first one a little too early in my reviewing career. Yeesh. Phallix Cobalt Twister Vixen Creations Buddy — My first butt plug! It wouldn’t stay in! Liberator Fascinator Throe . . . read more

I already told you about my awesome plastic storage drawers, but y’all are creepers, so I figured you’d want to snoop inside the actual drawers. When I attempted to organize my toys into these drawers, I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to organize things by type, since I have about 5,000 dildos, so I figured I’d organize them by My Feelings. The problem? With a lot of toys, My Feelings are amorphous and indifferent. I know which toys I absolutely adore, and I know which ones I loathe, but that leaves a large chunk of my collection in the middle. As such, there are several drawers of these “middle ground” toys. First up: the rolling . . . read more