Toybox Reports

The toybox it is a-changin’.

Step inside my sex toy closet

Step inside my sex toy closet

This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600. How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I . . . read more

I got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and life is perfect

I got back-ups of my favorite vibrator and life is perfect

[But what about the Mona Wave, you ask? It’s a half-assed imposter.] I don’t know if you’ve heard: I love my LELO Mona 2. So much that I yell things like “THE MONA IS WHAT GOD WANTS TO BE WHEN HE GROWS UP” when I’m drunk. So much that I have nightmares about LELO changing it. So much that I rush to comfort it when it falls off my nightstand. “Obsessed” may be a word that describes how I feel about that vibrator. The Mona is the only sex toy I take on trips. I force shops to add it to their inventory. I subtly push people toward it in my job on the floor of a sex toy boutique (my current record is within 20 . . . read more

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more

Mini sex toy doodads!

Mini sex toy doodads!

[Check out my April Fool’s Day review of my tiny dildos!] I think I can call this a legit collection now. Back in April, after jealously ogling everyone’s photos of the mini Tantus dildos at Momentum Con, the lovely Jenna sent me a few in various colors. They are mini Goliaths, and I adore them. I set them up on my shelf all in a row, and threw that ridic PicoBong die up there, too, because what else was I gonna do with it? Then when I saw Searah at Early to Bed talking about Fleshlight samples and Vixen Creations penises the other day, I saw an opportunity to expand my collection of weird tiny sex toy thing-a-majigs. I made an order for some Sliquid Sea . . . read more

Sex toy storage: chargers and lube edition

Sex toy storage: chargers and lube edition

Rechargeable sex toys can free people from the burden of clunky batteries, but there’s one side effect that kinda sucks: wrangling all the charging cords. I have never had a good system for this. My sex toys themselves are nicely tucked away in their plastic storage chests and dedicated boxes, but I let my charging cords run amok. I have a big-ass power strip on a table next to my desk, and that’s where I would plug in anything I needed to charge… and leave it there. Well, that wasn’t working out well. Imagine a big black mass of spaghetti and you’ll be pretty close to what it looked like. And it was extremely inefficient! Every time I unplugged something, I’d have to . . . read more

Tantus sends me a box of challenges

Tantus sends me a box of challenges

I emailed Tantus last week because someone bought stuff on their site through my affiliate link, but the sale didn’t show up in my affiliate control panel. I was directed to Jenna, whom I’ve had a lovely time emailing back-and-forth with. To my great surprise, our conversation turned into a chat about what colors of sex toys I like/loathe1, and how I don’t own any dual-density O2 toys from Tantus. Little did I know what would come next. Tantus is a small company with a limited budget, but somehow, Jenna pulled some strings and sent me a box of goodies that is going to single-handedly wipe out all the rest of my sex toy storage space. My jaw. It dropped. Seriously, . . . read more

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time…

…my sex toy collection fit in one toybox (and my photography skillz sucked): This photo was taken on September 6th, 2008. Most of the toys in this box are toys I never use anymore — or that I’ve given away. The exceptions are the Turbo Glider (still awesome, though used rarely) and the Gold Ribbed Love Wand (my first glass dildo — sorta like this — and remains one of my favorites). This was before my toys spilled into five different cases, and way before I switched to plastic drawers for storage. I still had yet to try a silicone dildo, or a butt plug that I could really walk around with. And I hadn’t discovered my G-spot, either. Yep, definitely don’t miss those . . . read more

Legend for my header

Legend for my header

Click to embiggen. Yes, my friends! The time has come! No longer will you have to slave away on the internets trying to figure out WTF that-one-toy-in-Epiphora’s-header is. No longer will you have to sheepishly email/tweet me and awkwardly try to describe the location of the toy you need identified. I took the picture that became my header image in fall of 2008, when I bought HeyEpiphora.com, so these toys are all from that time. Some of them are a bit embarrassing… Evolved Symphony Rhapsody Hitachi Magic Wand — I received my first one a little too early in my reviewing career. Yeesh. Phallix Cobalt Twister Vixen Creations Buddy — My first butt plug! It wouldn’t stay in! Liberator Fascinator Throe . . . read more

Peek inside my sex toy storage

Peek inside my sex toy storage

I already told you about my awesome plastic storage drawers, but y’all are creepers, so I figured you’d want to snoop inside the actual drawers. When I attempted to organize my toys into these drawers, I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I didn’t want to organize things by type, since I have about 5,000 dildos, so I figured I’d organize them by My Feelings. The problem? With a lot of toys, My Feelings are amorphous and indifferent. I know which toys I absolutely adore, and I know which ones I loathe, but that leaves a large chunk of my collection in the middle. As such, there are several drawers of these “middle ground” toys. First up: the rolling . . . read more

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