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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

    Review: Caress

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

not for the faint of vagina

Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over. Companion tag to “not for the faint of clit.”

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  • A to Z
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: OhMyG

June 16, 2020
It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options... Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Caress

March 13, 2020
It’s a genius name for a sex toy, because it conveys so much. Caress, like the breeze casually ruffling a... Keep Reading
BMS Factory Swan Curve vibrator leaning against the Swan Wand, with Mini Swan Wand in foreground, in a kiddie pool.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Swan Wand, Mini Swan Wand + Swan Curve

June 15, 2018
When I hear the word “swan,” I think of a few things. Grace. Elegance. The color white. Bjork. Overwrought symbols... Keep Reading
SenseMax SenseVibe rechargeable dual vibrator next to a burnt yellow fuzzy scarf.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: SenseVibe

January 31, 2018
The SenseVibe, much to my dismay, is not a fortune-telling sex toy. It can’t give you the weather forecast or... Keep Reading
Fun Factory Stronic G pulsator on a slab of white marble.
DildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Stronic G

November 19, 2017
Four years ago, my G-spot was forever changed by a revolutionary sex toy called the Stronic Eins. Not really a... Keep Reading
Jopen Key Ceres Lace vibrator lying on a hardwood floor.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Ceres Lace

January 7, 2015
I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a... Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildo
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: The Ash Girl

December 3, 2014
I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I... Keep Reading
The Sybian... and packing materials.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerVibrators

Today in my life… a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

December 7, 2013
In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this sex machine,... Keep Reading
Hitachi Magic Wand Original and its box, on a hardwood floor.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

December 3, 2013
I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a... Keep Reading
Stronic Eins and the best ever tea towel, which reads "MASTURBATION: NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT" with a bunch of euphemisms in a circle around it.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Stronic Eins

April 24, 2013
There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a... Keep Reading
Here is a black hole devouring some gas. Credit: NASA/CXC/M.Weiss. I'm sure NASA would be pleased to see their photo used for such educational purposes.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuidesMaking ProgressTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

December 4, 2012
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn,... Keep Reading
Tantus Splash, a well-read dildo, standing on a bookshelf.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Splash

November 20, 2012
The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a... Keep Reading
James Deen dildos
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: James Deen dildos

October 15, 2012
THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years,... Keep Reading
Greatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Intensity

April 11, 2012
The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used... Keep Reading
Good Vibes Rippler dildo on concrete.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Rippler

March 17, 2012
The Pleasure Works Rippler is like what the Tantus Echo wants to be when it grows up. It is a... Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Crystal Twist swirly glass dildo on my porch.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Crystal Twist

January 17, 2012
You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco... Keep Reading
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Latest posts

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

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