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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

    A hand caressing the tattooed leg of a person wearing a strap-on: the New York Collective Shilo dildo.

    Queer sex party chronicles: every night a blank slate

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
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  • Toybox
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  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

not for the faint of vagina

Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over. Companion tag to “not for the faint of clit.”

Latest
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Sex toys getting me through the pandemic
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDildosGreatest HitsGuidesHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsSunshine & RainbowsVibrators

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

March 16, 2022
The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist...
Keep Reading
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: OhMyG

June 16, 2020
It freaks me out to imagine the questions sex toy shoppers of today must ask themselves. The landscape of options...
Keep Reading
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Review: Caress

March 13, 2020
It’s a genius name for a sex toy, because it conveys so much. Caress, like the breeze casually ruffling a...
Keep Reading
BMS Factory Swan Curve vibrator leaning against the Swan Wand, with Mini Swan Wand in foreground, in a kiddie pool.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Swan Wand, Mini Swan Wand + Swan Curve

June 15, 2018
When I hear the word “swan,” I think of a few things. Grace. Elegance. The color white. Bjork. Overwrought symbols...
Keep Reading
SenseMax SenseVibe rechargeable dual vibrator next to a burnt yellow fuzzy scarf.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: SenseVibe

January 31, 2018
The SenseVibe, much to my dismay, is not a fortune-telling sex toy. It can’t give you the weather forecast or...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Stronic G pulsator on a slab of white marble.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Stronic G

November 19, 2017
Four years ago, my G-spot was forever changed by a revolutionary sex toy called the Stronic Eins. Not really a...
Keep Reading
Jopen Key Ceres Lace vibrator lying on a hardwood floor.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Ceres Lace

January 7, 2015
I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a...
Keep Reading
Crystal Delights Ash Girl glass dildo
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: The Ash Girl

December 3, 2014
I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I...
Keep Reading
The Sybian... and packing materials.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerVibrators

Today in my life… a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

December 7, 2013
In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this sex machine,...
Keep Reading
Hitachi Magic Wand Original and its box, on a hardwood floor.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

December 3, 2013
I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a...
Keep Reading
Stronic Eins and the best ever tea towel, which reads "MASTURBATION: NO MATTER HOW YOU SAY IT" with a bunch of euphemisms in a circle around it.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Stronic Eins

April 24, 2013
There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a...
Keep Reading
Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuidesMaking ProgressTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

December 4, 2012
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn,...
Keep Reading
Tantus Splash, a well-read dildo, standing on a bookshelf.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Splash

November 20, 2012
The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a...
Keep Reading
James Deen dildos
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: James Deen dildos

October 15, 2012
THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years,...
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Greatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Intensity

April 11, 2012
The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used...
Keep Reading
Good Vibes Rippler dildo on concrete.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Rippler

March 17, 2012
The Pleasure Works Rippler is like what the Tantus Echo wants to be when it grows up. It is a...
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Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Epiphora's orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Orgasmic getaway giveaway! ($1,500 grand prize, 80+ prizes)

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

Movie Night: The Final Member

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