not for the faint of vagina

Toys that could potentially make one’s vagina shrivel up in fear. Sometimes this means toys that my vagina rejoices over.

Review: Stronic G

Review: Stronic G

Four years ago, my G-spot was forever changed by a revolutionary sex toy called the Stronic Eins. Not really a dildo and definitely not a vibrator, the Eins features an internal weight that facilitates a back-and-forth thrusting movement. This “pulsator” felt unlike anything I’d ever tried, wiggling against my G-spot so enthusiastically, and quickly became one of my favorite insertables. Fun Factory’s Stronic line proved that innovation is still possible in the sex toy industry — true innovation, not gimmicky and spurious “innovation” with air quotes. So a few weeks ago when an email popped up with the subject line CONFIDENTIAL: Secret Preview of New Stronic?, it set my heart fluttering. I was in the middle of writing a different email, but I immediately . . . read more

Review: Ceres Lace

Review: Ceres Lace

I believe the texture on this toy is supposed to be swanky, but my friend says it reminds him of a chain-link fence. So that’s a great association… if you’re into prison-inspired sex toys. My thought process basically went “I like texture and I like that color. Give it to me.” In hindsight, I should’ve maybe thought it through more. This is the Jopen Key Ceres Lace. The others in the Ceres line are the Ceres G-Spot and Ceres Rabbit. The entire Key line includes both battery-operated and rechargeable toys, and a few things that don’t vibrate at all (kegel balls, a dildo). Functionally, the Ceres toys aren’t a hell of a lot different than what Evolved and Bswish have been doing for years. The Bgood Deluxe Curve, for . . . read more

Review: The Ash Girl

Review: The Ash Girl

I have a lot of glass dildos, but I find it disturbingly easy to eschew most of them. When I moved, I re-arranged my life so that my desk only contains the most pertinent of sex toys. One drawer is reserved for glass toys, and guess what’s inside? Three Crystal Delights dildos. Nothing else. Crystal Delights is best known for their bejeweled and tail-adorned butt plugs, but to me, they are makers of the greatest most high-quality glass dildos known to man. The Star Delight is a staple in my toybox (used often as a reprieve, or finisher, when other toys fail), and the Crystal Twist is a fabulously weird G-spotting dildo that ranks up there with the best of them. Therefore, I . . . read more

Today in my life... a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

Today in my life... a stranger on the internet gifted me a Sybian

In this episode of True Life: I’m a Sex Toy Reviewer, I am in disbelief as I unbox this toy, because I still don’t believe that someone would send this to me, ever, let alone for free… But there it is. A Sybian. In all its hulking glory. Safe and sound, with the grotesque attachments neatly folded into a ziploc. It’s smaller than I imagined, but still quite a beast. It’s heavy, it’s loud, and the puny “handles” on the sides are laughable. I don’t know where I’m going to store it, and my boyfriend will never forgive me for acquiring yet another huge sex accessory. Too bad. If someone offers you a Sybian, you say yes. This is law. You do . . . read more

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

[Wondering how I feel about the rechargeable version of this toy? I LOVE IT.] I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a place of understanding with the bumbling, imprecise beast that is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps that is how it was meant to be. But there should be laws forbidding newbie reviewers from trying it. I received my first one a mere month after launching my blog, and I ended my almost-entirely-useless review with, “I know eventually I will sing your praises just as everyone else has. I just need time.” Swayed, for sure, by the guise of sugarcoating, it was a sentence that, five years later — and . . . read more

Review: Stronic Eins

Review: Stronic Eins

[Wondering what I think of the other toys in the Stronic line? I reviewed the Stronic G, Zwei, Drei, and Bi Stronic Fusion. ] There’s been a lot of pomp and hype surrounding the Fun Factory Stronic line: an alleged 18 months of development, a YouTube trailer filled with innuendo and no actual facts, a video of people racing the toys across a table, and a side-eye-inducing claim that 87% of women prefer them over vibrators. Listen, bub, you’re not gonna usurp vibrators in one fell swoop. You’re just not. But if anyone should be screaming “revolutionary!!!”, you know, for once, Fun Factory has actually earned it. The Stronic Eins feels nothing like any sex toy I’ve ever touched or put in my vagina. Where vibrators . . . read more

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina. Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, but there’s no denying it anymore. My vagina is a black hole. A cave. A vagina of doom. This is quite normal for me now. But it certainly didn’t begin that way. In fact, it began exactly the opposite… with my vagina, as I described it, “as tight as a Chinese finger trap.” I used to laugh — especially when I first got . . . read more

Review: Splash

Review: Splash

The Tantus Splash looks like it’s in the midst of being slimed. And if it were a celeb at a Nickelodeon awards show, it’d be grinning and taking it like a champ. Because life is good for the Splash. It is a dildo that stands out aesthetically, but also succeeds internally. It doesn’t have to worry about being deficient in some area, as many sex toys are. (Those are the kinds of toys that might scowl whilst being slimed. Bad sports.) I tested a prototype of this toy, and I loved it the moment I saw it. Then I really loved it when I put it in my vagina. And now I really really love it in its finished form. I suggested the names . . . read more

Review: James Deen dildos

Review: James Deen dildos

[Note: I no longer support James Deen or his work.] THE MOST ANTICIPATED SEX TOYS OF THE YEAR… WELL, ON TUMBLR ANYWAY. Having followed porn star James Deen for years, I think I can call myself an honorary Deenager. I have tagged him relentlessly, featured his ridiculously hot antics time after time in my Jack-off Journals, and even defended his honor when some fool on Nightline called his popularity “deeply disturbing.” So when Doc Johnson announced they’d be making his cock into a dildo, yes, the once-dormant teenybopper in me flailed a bit. I’ve never wanted a sex toy molded after anyone in particular, but James is ~different~. He is everyone’s pretend boyfriend. The chase began with Doc Johnson’s ads and pictures of the molding process. Then ANME rolled around . . . read more

/* ]]> */