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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

    Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

    Review: Dame Kip and Pom

    Review: Zumio E

    New York Toy Collective Jack 2-in-1 FTM stroker & packer

    Guest Review: Jack stroker & packer

    Review: OhMyG

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Sex toys on top of wrapping paper.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    Where vibrators are born: my trip to Fun Factory in Bremen, Germany!

    The current state of Early to Bed in Chicago, with packing materials amidst dildo displays.

    Dildos in a pandemic: the sex toy industry and COVID-19

    My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.

    That time I came out to my entire high school

    My logo on top of a glorious sex toy array, on top of a turquoise vulva-esque backdrop.

    Welcome to the NEW Hey Epiphora!

    Supplies for Mirena IUD insertion laid out at the doctor's office, including forceps, lube, gloves, and the Mirena box.

    The (not so) harrowing tale of my IUD insertion

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ

blogiversary

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Giveaways

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

November 1, 2020
Somehow it’s November already, and with it comes the conclusion of my sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse giveaway.... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

October 9, 2020
2020 is not the year we ordered. We’ve spent almost 7 months in quarantine, and now we’re heading into a... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

October 3, 2018
Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just... Keep Reading
Congrats & thank you for entering my giveaway! Graphic of sex toy prizes and Boris in the corner saying "good work, human."
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway winners (plus Boris video!)

November 19, 2017
That’s it! The hugest sex toy giveaway of the year is over, and I have awarded all 100-ish prizes to the... Keep Reading
Giveaways

Decade of sex toys giveaway! Grand prize worth $1,000+!

October 16, 2017
Hi, hello, I’m commemorating 10 years of sex blogging with the most extravagant sex toy giveaway I’ve ever done. I’m... Keep Reading
A decade of sex blogging. Cupcake butt plug and Shilo.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterBlogger LyfeBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & RainbowsTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

A decade of sex blogging

October 12, 2017
The cliché is true — it feels like just yesterday and like forever ago. This week marks 10 years since... Keep Reading
Graphic of all the amazing prizes in vector form. SO MANY!
Giveaways

Sex toys for all giveaway winners

November 23, 2016
I’m exhausted, y’all. Turns out, awarding over 50 sex toy prizes to over 50 different people is tiring! But I’m... Keep Reading
Graphic of all the amazing prizes in vector form. SO MANY!
Giveaways

Sex toys for all — win one of more than 50 sex toy prizes!

October 19, 2016
This month, my blog turns 8 years old. It could’ve been a two-term president in that time. My sex toy collection... Keep Reading
Giveaways

7-year blogiversary giveaway winners

November 23, 2015
The biggest giveaway of the year on this here blog has officially closed, and what a giveaway it was! There... Keep Reading
Giveaways

7-year blogiversary giveaway — win one of 30 rad sex toys!

October 22, 2015
I am a bit concerned about you, peeps. Nary a whisper has been uttered to remind me that it’s October... Keep Reading
Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!
Giveaways

6-year blogiversary giveaway winners!

November 21, 2014
I say this every year, but HOLY FUCK, PEOPLE. You went nuts in my 6-year blogiversary giveaway. Over 3,600 individual... Keep Reading
Epiphora's 6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!
Giveaways

6-year blogiversary giveaway — 37 sex toy prizes!

October 21, 2014
October is the month when the leaves start turning, my sweaters finally get put to good use, and I celebrate... Keep Reading
Massive sex toy giveaway prizes!
Giveaways

5-year blogiversary sex toy giveaway winners!

November 9, 2013
Holy shit. This giveaway. I can’t even. I know I called it “massive” in the title, but that was before... Keep Reading
Massive sex toy giveaway prizes!
Giveaways

Massive 5-year blogiversary sex toy giveaway!

October 16, 2013
Five is a good, solid number. And it is now the number of years I have been stuffing things in... Keep Reading
4-year blogiversary giveaway sex toy prizes
Giveaways

4-year blogiversary giveaway winners

October 29, 2012
Wow. I’m about 99% certain my 4-year blogiversary giveaway was the most successful giveaway in the history of this blog.... Keep Reading
4-year blogiversary giveaway sex toy prizes
Giveaways

4-year blogiversary giveaway — 15 prizes!

October 3, 2012
Four motherfuckin’ years, my friends. That’s how long this blog has been chugging along. If you know me at all,... Keep Reading
1 2

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I love condescendingly signing emails "best of luck." Like, yeah, you'll fuckin' NEED IT.
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Latest posts

Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

Dame Kip and Pom rechargeable silicone bullet vibrators

Review: Dame Kip and Pom

Sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse winners!

Giveaway: sex toy survival kits for the apocalypse

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