Feb 062012
 

A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook. We found his promo website, and there were fits of laughter and despair all over Twitter, because, well, look:

The whole site is a condescending, badly-written plea to “girls.” According to all-knowing Jack, our men will leave us solely on the basis of a bad blowjob. That is why we must fork over $47 for his mind-blowing ebook. It is, after all, the only book you need to read this year.

At one point, Jack discovered me and solicited me for a review. I told him he was a douche instead.

Then he started making the rounds again, emailing my friends the same yawn-inducing proposition. Someone got the idea in their head that they were actually going to say yes to him, review the book, and call it out on all its bullshit. Somehow, three more bloggers jumped on board. Then it turned into a fuckin’ game plan in which a new review would be published each day for four straight days, creating a snowball effect of up-yours reviews of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Sugarcunt, Scarlett Seraph, The Bedroom Blogger and Insane Hussein are the bloggers who reviewed Jack’s Blowjob Lessons. These people are my heroes, and they deserve our gratitude. They are brave, honorable souls who sacrificed their sanity so that others would, hopefully, find out the truth when Googling Jack’s abomination. Which is that never, in any universe, should you buy — or agree to review — Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

Considering the length of this “book” and the amount of jackassery inside it, each blogger’s review highlights certain points that others do not. Taken together, the reviews represent an epic mockery of every facet of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons.

The first review published was Insane Hussein’s.

I thought, for sure, there would be something that would show this is just a tasteless joke. But NO! It’s for serious. This dude is straight up, jack-assed serious about his “advice” to “girls”.

. . . the part that really got me was the Public Toilet part. It’s so.. so…. BAD! Public restrooms are disgusting already, so there is no need for me to go give a blowjob in one. I’m not a republican congressman, thank you very much.

Next was The Bedroom Blogger’s review, which includes an Inception-inspired meme and a whole bunch of lovely quotes from the book on topics such as ice cream, feminism, how being a jerk will get you blowjobs, “natural” male dominance, and so much more.

Secondly, Jack is an awful writer. Like…truly horrific. There are a lot of errors in this book. Also, something that annoys the fuck out of me…there are several instances of him saying “I probably should have mentioned this before…” or something along those lines. Dude…you wrote a book. You can edit that shit before you publish it. If you “probably should have mentioned this before”, go back and fucking mention it. You have that power.

. . . But even worse, no matter what question is asked, it’s pretty much the exact same chunk of awful regurgitated over and over again. Oh, and you should do anal.

. . . if you want to give a better blow job, don’t buy this fucking book. Seriously. I’ll fucking stab you.

Then it was Sugarcunt’s turn.

We, two 20somethings having relations with cisgender males, wondered, “Are we supposed to take blowjob advice from a poorly-vectored man with a mullet?”  The answer is the same that it would be if you replaced “blowjob advice” with “candy”: No.

. . . Jack admits that he’s homophobic, sexist, and generally an asshole. (I haven’t even scratched the surface in that list. He’s a bigot in all ways, and this book is one entire cissexist tirade of crap.) He’s actually kind of proud of it. That just makes you want to punch him more.

Sugarcunt’s review also includes a choice quote about “music made by black folks” that must be read to be believed. Do not miss the Jack Hutson Drinking Game she invented, either, and check out the tags at the bottom of the post. They’re incredible.

The final nail in the coffin was Scarlett Seraph’s review, which includes personal info about her male submissive and her former days as a porn star — alongside hardcore debunking of Jack’s “statistics” and “techniques.”

Jack can truly teach you everything you need to know, forget what you learned in school and replace it with this:

  • Math: “slutty plus happy equals — SUPER ORGASM”
  • Phys Ed: “So you’ve got some extra junk in your trunk — go to the gym”
  • Foreign Language: (about the penis) “The shaft is also called “the stick” or fallus in Latin” (Uh, no… no it doesn’t mean that)
  • Statistics: “There are 10 times as many hot girls than great guys”
  • Health: “swallowing (semen) — reduces the chances of getting STD’s (yes, he used the apostrophe) when giving head”

. . . A few more random points, just because

  • You should never tease your man, ever. This is said right at the end of the chapter on how to tease properly.

I love that. I love all these quotes. All of these reviews. Hopefully this will teach Jack to stop indiscriminately emailing bloggers — especially ones that openly state they are feminists.

I repeat, DO NOT buy this ridiculous piece of shit ebook. If you’re looking for guidance on how to give a blowjob, I suggest trusting someone with an actual face (and who isn’t a misogynist). For example, Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex: Fellatio DVD provides both tips and on-screen demonstration, and Violet Blue’s book, The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio, is $17. WHAT A STEAL!

Or, for $0, you could just ask your partner what they like.

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