I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina. Like the refreshing feeling of wading into the ocean. Like the satisfaction of tilting a Magic 8 Ball. The Ceramix No. 4 doesn’t feel like that, which is one reason you shouldn’t buy it. But it’s not the main one. The other reason is that it’s made by Pipedream. I hate this company and want to burn it to the ground. They have violently sexist and racist marketing, which they defend with statements about how men are basically pigs anyway. They write upsetting press releases and send repulsive emails. Their silicone dildos are stuffed with foam, their “metal” toys are nowhere near stainless steel, and they rip off shapes from njoy and Crystal Delights. The . . . read more

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It began in 2011 with Lyla, a remote-controlled egg that only responded when I pointed the remote directly at my vulva. The Smart Wands, in 2012, included “technology” which caused them to fail at inopportune moments. 2013 brought us Ida, easily the most functionally deficient LELO toy I’ve ever tried (that’s putting it mildly), and the useless Hula Beads. This year, we were blessed with Ora, an “oral sex” simulator, which was a waste of my clit’s time. And now we have this. Your eyes do not deceive. That is a cock ring with a pinstripe-lined box, LELO-branded cufflinks, and a money clip . . . read more

I hate pink. Always have. Based on pure shudder-factor, my aversion to pink ranks somewhere below my trypophobia but above my distaste for whiskey and the word “panties.” When I mention the color, I do little to conceal my disgust. I sigh about its inevitability and express mock-excitement over it. My hate is documented, understood. This color snobbery helps me curate my sex toy collection. By always mercilessly begging firmly asking for the color I want, I’ve managed to avoid a lot of pink stuff. But the pink toys I do own — I look at them and feel regret. There are two big reasons why I hate pink: it’s aesthetically ugly, and I abhor its connotations. Perhaps I find it ugly because of its connotations, but nonetheless, I don’t enjoy looking at it. Hot . . . read more

A while back, I heard rumblings of some misogynistic fool named Jack Hutson emailing bloggers about his $47 blowjob ebook. We found his promo website, and there were fits of laughter and despair all over Twitter, because, well, look: The whole site is a condescending, badly-written plea to “girls.” According to all-knowing Jack, our men will leave us solely on the basis of a bad blowjob. That is why we must fork over $47 for his mind-blowing ebook. It is, after all, the only book you need to read this year. At one point, Jack discovered me and solicited me for a review. I told him he was a douche instead. Then he started making the rounds again, emailing my . . . read more

Topco has released a Sarah Palin sex doll. When I saw it, my first reaction was to laugh excitedly. Then I remembered that I was reading Feministing. Shit, I thought. I’m a horrible feminist. For some reason, I’m struggling with feeling outrage over this product. Undoubtedly, the objectification of and sexism toward Sarah Palin throughout this campaign has been repulsive. I have watched in horror as the media picks her apart, criticizing and applauding her appearance, dismembering her and sexualizing her. Not to mention the way a female VP pick has caused the media to paint female voters as petty and dumb. Yet, when I look at the box for this sex doll, I don’t burn with rage over how . . . read more