aaaand it’s dead

Toys that konked out on me. For good. Sometimes I got replacements, sometimes I didn’t bother.

Review: Tango

Review: Tango

[What’s my favorite way to use the Tango? Like this for hands-free orgasms!] Dude, man, guys, shit, dawg. Everyone loves the We-Vibe Tango. I’m totally late to the party. Then again, I was also late to anal beads, smartphones, and liking the Hitachi, so it’s not as if you should trust my timing on anything (except having an orgasm right when the corn dog timer goes off — I’m great at that.) Other contenders have come and gone, but the fact remains: the We-Vibe Tango — and its sibling the Touch — are the strongest, rumbliest rechargeable vibrators out there for their size. Unlike most little rechargeable clit vibes, the Tango is made only of plastic. No silicone to cushion or buffer the sensation. Vibrations shine through loud and clear. . . . read more

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

Review: Wake-Up Vibe

The premise alone led me to the Wake-Up Vibe. And the premise drove me away. I only tried it a handful of times, months and months ago. Enough times to realize that I actually don’t like a bulbous machine accompanying me to bed, even if it promises to wake me up with vibrations. So for a long time, I tried to pretend this toy wasn’t on my “to review” list. I was perfectly successful at that until yesterday, when Lovehoney informed me that this toy is being discontinued on their site. So I dug it out of storage and plugged it in. The screen started spitting gibberish at me — blips and bloops where numbers should form. And that’s all it would . . . read more

Review: MiMi

Review: MiMi

Everyone’s coming out with a cute little rechargeable clitoral stimulator these days. Jimmyjane released the Form 2 and Form 3; LELO invented the Siri and Alia; and now Je Joue has submitted their contribution, the MiMi. None of these has been the perfect clitoral stimulator; they all have issues ranging from mildly irritating (not waterproof) to problematic (shape is weird) to rage-inducing (has a glitch that turns me into a mass murderer). MiMi (can we catch a break on the unnecessary capitalization, plz?) was, at first, on the mildly irritating end of the spectrum. But it slid into rage-inducing when it died on me. Long story short (I put the whole thing on my Tumblr): my first MiMi freaked the fuck . . . read more

Review: Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System

Review: Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System

The Better Sex Synergy Pleasure System, made by the Sinclair Institute, is all about pomp and bravado. It has a stupidly long name, comes in a large box, and is endorsed by some random psychologist who doesn’t even have her own Wikipedia page. It comes with five attachments, a storage bag, a manual, and a message: Fully Charge 8 Hours Before Initial Use. Excuse me while I go vomit. And… charge it, I guess. I became interested in the Synergy after I fell in love with the Eroscillator. The Synergy resembles the Eroscillator, both in form (toothbrush) and in function (oscillating). Well, on paper it does. The reality is quite different. I’m cruel, yes, but guys — I’m already on . . . read more

Review: OhMiBod

Review: OhMiBod

I knew the OhMiBod was a shoddy piece of crap from the get-go. I just didn’t have quite enough justification to state that blatantly in this review… until last night when it died. After about 1.5 uses, and right after I finished compiling a 33-song playlist of songs to test, it stopped working. As irritating as it was, however, it was not altogether surprising, and not altogether disappointing. A music-powered vibrator may sound fun, but once you use it, you know the truth. It’s like one of those dancing flowers — cute at first, until you realize wow, this thing has only the most rudimentary understanding of music. The OhMiBod is a white, plastic vibrator that looks like a jumbo . . . read more

Review: Cry Baby

Review: Cry Baby

It sounds wrong to say “my Cry Baby is dead.” But it’s true. Now, I did not drop my Cry Baby. I didn’t say anything mean to it. But… I suppose it may have died from neglect. I tried it once about a month ago by myself, then I put it in my toy case. I wanted to put it in my vag and go out on the town with my boyfriend, but I was too busy. I was buried under finals at school, and final projects, and after that I was buried under snow and Christmases. So I finally brought the Cry Baby out again last night. I realized I’d left the 2 AAA batteries in the vibe itself, . . . read more

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