Review: Cry Baby

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It sounds wrong to say “my Cry Baby is dead.” But it’s true. Now, I did not drop my Cry Baby. I didn’t say anything mean to it. But… I suppose it may have died from neglect. I tried it once about a month ago by myself, then I put it in my toy case. I wanted to put it in my vag and go out on the town with my boyfriend, but I was too busy. I was buried under finals at school, and final projects, and after that I was buried under snow and Christmases.

So I finally brought the Cry Baby out again last night. I realized I’d left the 2 AAA batteries in the vibe itself, and I cursed myself for that (what kind of toy tester am I?). I’d taken the battery out of the remote control, though, so it was still good (it’s a 12 volt, by the way). But it slowly became clear to me that the bullet was dead. My rechargeable AAAs, that worked in other toys, did not work in the Cry Baby bullet. All I can do now is turn on the remote control and look at the cute hearts that signify vibration settings. Boo.

But I did try the Cry Baby once upon a time, so I will tell you what I know. The Cry Baby is a plastic remote-controlled bullet vibrator made by a French company named Love to Love, and accordingly, there is a plethora of French all over the packaging. Inside the magnetized flap, there is a list of all ten vibration settings — with corresponding French names, from the first setting (“un peu”) to the last (“encore!”). The back of the package warns “watch out! Cry Baby can greatly increase your intimacy as a couple.”

Sadly, I was never able to find out if my boyfriend’s and my intimacy could increase. I played with the Cry Baby during one of my insane solo sessions. The pink bullet felt big at first, as I pushed it into my vagina, but then it found a spot to nestle into and it was not going to budge. I turned the remote control on (yes, it has a power button!) and began cycling through the vibration settings with the adorable heart-shaped plus and minus button. The cool thing about this remote is that it actually gives the user information about each vibration setting. Once you figure out how to decipher the stacked up hearts that appear on the screen (I suggest playing with the toy when it’s not in a vagina), it’s quite fun.

First of all, make no mistake: this thing is not quiet. It would not go unnoticed at your company picnic or poetry reading. However, although I felt the vibrations and the patterns at first, once I added clit stimulation to the mix, my vag no longer registered the internal vibrations. In fact, many times I forgot that the Cry Baby was inside me (and vibrating) at all. As I was just sitting on my bed, I didn’t test the range of the remote control. When it was time to pull the Cry Baby out, its plastic-coated cord was long and sturdy enough to get the job done.

I believe that wearing the Cry Baby out to a bar or other loud place would be great fun, as its vibrations are most prominent when not coupled with another toy. The Cry Baby’s remote control gives enough information about the vibration settings to titillate its user, which is a nice touch for a remote-controlled vibe. However, I cannot fully endorse the Cry Baby. It did die on me for no apparent reason, after all. And right when I was about to increase my boyfriend’s and my intimacy!

Browse more remote-controlled vibes at SheVibe.