Imagine a cat with its head tilted to the side in puzzlement. That is me whenever I use the LELO Hula Beads… only a lot less cute. It’s a head tilt that turns to a subtle wince that melts into a side eye and ends with a weary sigh. The confusion begins with the fact that the Hula Beads are not kegel exercisers, I guess, but are still called Beads, just like LELO’s wonderful Luna Beads kegel balls. The Hula Beads are shaped like conjoined orbs, but that’s where the similarity ends. So what are they? They’re rechargeable, waterproof, remote-controlled thing-a-ma-bobs that you insert vaginally and can wear around. For… pleasure? The smaller tip rotates and the base vibrates. There’s no way to turn the . . . read more
We really have not perfected the art of remote-controlled sex toys yet. I’m sorry to have to tell you.
I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me over the LELO Ida. I can see it in his eyes. The despair. The dread. When I say, “hey, you know what we should do?” his features fall because he’s afraid I’m going to say “have sex.” But instead I say, “watch Orange Is The New Black” or “boil the potatoes for dinner” and all is forgiven. For now. Named after a long-ago-discontinued toy in LELO’s first line, Ida sounds like a cute grandmother rather than a sex toy that’s gonna rock your relationship to its core. Don’t be deceived. Marketed as a “couples’” toy, Ida has a 3″ long, 1″ wide shaft that rotates (“like the constantly-wagging finger of . . . read more
[Thankfully, the Lyla is now in its second generation: Lyla 2. LELO also makes the rotating Hula Beads.] Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in the vagina and fun on the town (bars! concerts! wherever sexy people go!). Every single other wireless egg ever created has been a horrible failure. But in the capable hands of a high-end company like LELO — makers of the lovely Siri, Luna Beads, and Ella — I expected, at the very least, for it to work as intended. Not for it to only work when the remote was pointed directly at my vulva like a goddamn TV remote. On the upside, . . . read more
Sometimes, even almighty sex toy reviewers make dumb mistakes. I made a huge one when I saw the Booty Parlor Turn Me On Vibrating Panties (is your brain fried from the ugh-factor yet?) and assumed that, via my super magical sex toy sensing abilities, I just knew what size the bullet was. No, there weren’t dimensions, and back then there wasn’t a full picture of the bullet… but I was certain that the bullet had to be small. Really small. Because it has to tuck into panties, for god’s sake. Well, I was wrong, because apparently it’s all the rage to tuck 3″ long, 1.25″ diameter bullets into your panties for a night on the town. And, just my luck, . . . read more
It’s okay. You can be wary of the Bswish Bnaughty Unleashed. I was too. And sadly, having tried it now, I still am. I was really hoping for a triumph. So many remote vibrating bullets suck royally. Many of the bullets are loud. They malfunction. They fail miserably at being discreet. Some aren’t waterproof, which becomes a problem when, uh, juices, come near them. Some have a whopping one speed. Many are purple or pink. Most take watch batteries, which are not only expensive and annoying as hell to insert, but also notorious for dying quickly. And then, of course, it’s not unusual for remote bullets to die. Not unusual at all. Which is what happened with my previous remote toy, . . . read more
The Astrea I vibrating panties are “one size fits most,” which of course means “one size fits size small.” It cuts into my skin very efficiently. There’s also a thong version if you’re into a different style of skin cutting. Being from the Berman Center line, it comes with a tacky purple organza bag and batteries (2 AAAs for the vibrating piece and one 12V for the remote control). The remote is very inconspicuous: completely black with “C.E.N.I.” on it. A few tests confirm that the remote has great range (well over the 12 feet it promises), though I question why that even matters since the toy has only one speed/function/setting: on. There’s a pouch in the underwear that I assume is meant for the . . . read more
It sounds wrong to say “my Cry Baby is dead.” But it’s true. Now, I did not drop my Cry Baby. I didn’t say anything mean to it. But… I suppose it may have died from neglect. I tried it once about a month ago by myself, then I put it in my toy case. I wanted to put it in my vag and go out on the town with my boyfriend, but I was too busy. I was buried under finals at school, and final projects, and after that I was buried under snow and Christmases. So I finally brought the Cry Baby out again last night. I realized I’d left the 2 AAA batteries in the vibe itself, . . . read more