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Ask Piph #1

The story of my pseudonym, sex toy alternatives, and the worst choice ever.

Ask Piph logo, with a sex toy forming the question mark.
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What made you choose the pseudonym “Epiphora”?

I put too much thought into it, but I’m glad I did. I wanted something literary, and I didn’t want it to scream “SEX BLOGGER!”. There are a ton of weird words to describe literary tropesenjambanaphora, etc — so I had a lot to choose from. I wanted a word that wasn’t instantly recognizable as a literary term, and I found myself gravitating toward words starting with E. I finally decided on Epiphora, after some internal debate about whether the definition (“the repetition of the same word or words at the end of successive phrases, clauses or sentences”) mattered to me. I was hoping for a cooler definition, but I liked the word enough to go with it.

Of course, it wasn’t until after I chose the name that I realized it also refers to a type of fungi, and also a medical condition characterized by excessive tear production. Nonetheless, I still really like the name, even if some people forget how to spell it, and others are puzzled by how to pronounce it.

Suddenly all the actual sex toys in the world disappear, what do you use in their place?

You’re making me cringe just thinking about it! Well, I’d probably have to find something that vibrates, like an electric toothbrush, for my clit. Dildos would be a little easier to come by, since anything can be covered in a condom (ugh). A bumpy vegetable would work, I suppose, until I would have to throw it out. Finding butt toys with flared bases would be the worst. That gross latex smell would become a fact of life. Maybe I could find some pure silicone kitchen instruments to use…

Which do you think would be more painful/awful/harmful, using the homemade dildo that was made with paint thinner OR being fucked with the g-spot attachment on Mastertim’s fucking machine on high?

Thank you for making me laugh for five minutes straight. This is a nearly impossible choice. Do I go with the dildo that doesn’t move at lightening speed but would be the equivalent of shoving a toxic plaster sculpture in my vagina — or the dildo that may, in some universe, hit my G-spot, but may also bruise my insides for weeks? Hmm, bruised vs. poisoned vagina. I think the homemade dildo would be more harmful for that reason. I don’t even want to think about long-term effects. So I’d rather use the fucking machine… at least it uses an actual sex toy, right? And the bruises would go away? Maybe?