Apr 232016

Tiny dildo mock-up photos, before dusting my shelf, obviously

Time to come clean: my review of the tiny dildos was an April Fool’s joke. I think most of you knew that, except maybe that one whiny dude in the comments section:

Oh, Marcus. Oh, you.

(Always and forever, these are my favorite types of comments to get on my April Fool’s jokes.)

First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas.

But I also want to set the record straight about something: I did, in fact, do all the things I wrote about in my review, including inserting the tiny dildos one by one into my vagina (on two occasions, for some godforsaken reason). I definitely did not enjoy it, but I did it anyway because… and here’s the funny/sad thing…  it never occurred to me that I could just not actually use the toys.

I was legitimately surprised when the post went up and folks seemed to think I’d made up my experiences. Perplexed, I called my boyfriend into my office and told him about the reaction. Faking it would have felt “disingenuous,” I told him.

“Well, I’m glad you’re so worried about your integrity!” he replied, and I laughed for hours.

Without experiencing it firsthand, though, how would I conjure such similes as “like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood”? The answer is, I wouldn’t. I’m just not that clever. I need to experience things to have any handle on writing about them.

Tiny dildo mock-up photos

These are my mock-up photos, because of course I took mock-up photos to make sure my visions were going according to plan. I didn’t like how the photo with the water fountain looked, so I scrapped it. But tiny dildos do make excellent replacements for rocks.

There are 342 days until April 1, 2017. Somehow, that seems like barely enough time.

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