First I have to credit my mom, who helped me come up with the concept. Way back in January, I got snowed in at my parents’ house, which obviously meant naked mother/daughter hot tubbing. Somehow we hit upon the topic of tiny dildos, and I realized “reviewing” them would make a perfect April Fool’s Day joke. She heartily endorsed it, and moments after toweling off, I was writing down ideas.
But I also want to set the record straight about something: I did, in fact, do all the things I wrote about in my review, including inserting the tiny dildos one by one into my vagina (on two occasions, for some godforsaken reason). I definitely did not enjoy it, but I did it anyway because… and here’s the funny/sad thing… it never occurred to me that I could just not actually use the toys.
I was legitimately surprised when the post went up and folks seemed to think I’d made up my experiences. Perplexed, I called my boyfriend into my office and told him about the reaction. Faking it would have felt “disingenuous,” I told him.
“Well, I’m glad you’re so worried about your integrity!” he replied, and I laughed for hours.
Okay but tattoo the phrase 'like fucking myself with a birthday candle' on my actual body @Epiphora
— crimson peapod (@OpheliaVinosec) April 1, 2016
Without experiencing it firsthand, though, how would I conjure such similes as “like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood”? The answer is, I wouldn’t. I’m just not that clever. I need to experience things to have any handle on writing about them.
These are my mock-up photos, because of course I took mock-up photos to make sure my visions were going according to plan. I didn’t like how the photo with the water fountain looked, so I scrapped it. But tiny dildos do make excellent replacements for rocks.
There are 342 days until April 1, 2017. Somehow, that seems like barely enough time.
Want your own tiny dildos? You can still get a free pack of Vamp weenies
with orders over $75 at SheVibe. Just use code WEENIE.