Golden Triangle

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

Terrible sex toys I used to lust after

In 2007 when I started reviewing sex toys, I knew nothing about them. Oh, I knew that jelly was bad in theory, but I hadn’t yet smelled the rancid, gooey, overpowering scent that characterizes it, or felt the agonizing burning sensation that it can cause (still haven’t — insert sign of the cross here). I figured expensive toys probably had high price tags for a reason, but I was yet to be convinced to spend more than $30 on one. Oh yeah, and I’d had nary a finger in my vagina, so… I really didn’t know anything about anything. Still, I was like a ravenous cat munching on a plate of wet food. I scoured the catalogs of online sex shops, familiarizing myself with . . . read more

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)? Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “pink” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose. Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums… These things are a staple at sex . . . read more

Review: My Secret

Review: My Secret

Last fall, I had an aggravating experience with my bank. When I arrived back home and couldn’t shake my bad mood, I decided the only solution was to order a vibrator. I had been entertaining the idea of experimenting with insertion, and for this, I needed the tiniest, least threatening vibrator I could find. My Secret was inexpensive, small, cute, and shapely, so it seemed the perfect choice. If it didn’t get the job done, then hey, it wouldn’t be a huge loss. My Secret was my first plastic vibe with a velvety texture to it, and I was quite impressed; the texture and blue color remind me of those smooth chocolate eggs that come out around Easter. To this . . . read more

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