Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums...

Pleasure... Mitts. Rubbery gloves with spikes all over, because that's hot.

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)?

Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “pink” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose.

Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums

These things are a staple at sex toy parties, where they are passed around, rubbed floppily on dry skin, and inevitably cooed at. I like to imagine that the poor ladies only pretend to be entranced by these things, worried that revealing their actual alarm would disturb the universe in some way. But that is probably me being optimistic.

Plasticky jelly texture + shower curtain jelly smell + pointy jelly nubs that are on the verge of being spikes… yeah, I think they figured out the formula for the EXACT OPPOSITE of sensual.

A purple LOVE MITT looking like a deflated balloon.

But I do like this particularly deflated mitt, as it seems to have given up on life the way that I do when I hear the ladies cooing.