massage

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Um, No: Pleasure/Love Mitts

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)? Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “pink” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose. Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums… These things are a staple at sex . . . read more

Review: Massage Oil (Excitation)

Review: Massage Oil (Excitation)

How hard is it to review a massage oil? It must be hard, as I have been procrastinating writing this review for quite some time. And it finally occurred to me today: I become lost when a product does not function by coming into contact with my genitalia! Yes, that must be it. Massage oil is so tame, so average, so… suburban. It’s what boring couples use to “spice things up.” Despite that offensive statement, I love, love, love massages. I demand them from my boyfriend with alarming frequency. Usually on my feet, while we watch The Daily Show or a political documentary, but also on my back (more difficult to procure). So now I have Shunga Massage Oil, in . . . read more

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