There’s a glimmer of recognition that crosses someone’s face when I ask, “have you ever encountered a sex toy that smelled like a new shower curtain?” The widening of the eyes, the slight nod. This is how I introduce the concept of toxic sex toys, and it is almost always met with understanding. That smell, I explain, is off-gassing from chemicals called phthalates, which are used to soften plastics. “Phthalates have been banned in childrens’ toys,” I tell them, “but the sex toy industry is completely unregulated.” It’s been nearly 10 years since I started in this industry, and yet — sadly — this teaching moment remains as effective as ever. It’s usually the point at which the person shares . . . read more

I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove. My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get the chance to follow the link until I was in the safety of my own home. I love how hard Nasstoys tries to sell this fingerless monstrosity — they can’t even be arsed to write full sentences. I did learn, however, that it is waterproof. Major relief! The Masturbating Glove — which makes the previously-featured Love Mitts look romantic as fuck — also comes in pink, which . . . read more

Have a question for me? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here. Your boyfriend seems to be pretty comfortable with your reviewing. I’m curious about your choice to remain anonymous since you seem to be well received. Sorry if this is too personal or involves family dynamics. LOVE your blog. Thank you, friend! Yes, my boyfriend is totally fine with my blog and my insane obsession with sex toys. My parents and some of my family also know, although they don’t have the URL or anything. I’ve been super anonymous since the start, and I’ve kept it that way just in case I ended up getting a “mainstream” job. I definitely feel less protective of my . . . read more

Do you dream of being the COOLEST LOVER ON THE BLOCK? Do you regularly mistake torture devices for romantic accoutrements? Want to give your lady a massage she will never, ever forget (because it will be the sole reason she broke up with you)? Look no further than Pleasure/Love Mitts. They come in a host of alluring colors, such as “pink” and “lavender.” They are flimsy as shit and yet some cost as much as $10. They are not gloves, guys, they are mitts. And I quote: “Pick your pleasure sensation from sensual jelly or soft rubber styles each offers a unique experience” — yeah, for your nose. Let me rub phthalates all over you, snookums… These things are a staple at sex . . . read more

The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long turd of beautiful blue jelly with a flexible internal spine. According to ’70s couple on the box, I guess you’re supposed to tie the rope around a dude’s dick, then stick the jelly tail up his ass? Wait, no, wait, that’s too gay. The correct usage of the Ecstasy Rope is displayed on the side of the box — OH GOD: Yes, that glorious jelly rod is supposed to rub poke the chick’s ass back (?) while she rides the dude. Like a creepy ERECT snake. Hold me. But at least it’s dual use! After the sex, you can use . . . read more