I interrupt your regularly-scheduled happiness to bring you perhaps the most innocuously-named stuff of nightmares ever to exist. It is called the Masturbating Glove. My friend Lorax of Sex, who routinely shows me terrifying sex products, sent it to me while I was at work. Which was probably a good thing, as I did not get the chance to follow the link until I was in the safety of my own home. I love how hard Nasstoys tries to sell this fingerless monstrosity — they can’t even be arsed to write full sentences. I did learn, however, that it is waterproof. Major relief! The Masturbating Glove — which makes the previously-featured Love Mitts look romantic as fuck — also comes in pink, which . . . read more
Nasstoys is a bottom barrell toy company that you probably should never buy anything from. They’re incredibly racist, their name is a play on nasty, and yes, that is an actual banner from their website.
The Nasstoys Ecstasy Rope is just what you always wanted: a pipe cleaner for your genitals. It is a long turd of beautiful blue jelly with a flexible internal spine. According to ’70s couple on the box, I guess you’re supposed to tie the rope around a dude’s dick, then stick the jelly tail up his ass? Wait, no, wait, that’s too gay. The correct usage of the Ecstasy Rope is displayed on the side of the box — OH GOD: Yes, that glorious jelly rod is supposed to rub poke the chick’s ass back (?) while she rides the dude. Like a creepy ERECT snake. Hold me. But at least it’s dual use! After the sex, you can use . . . read more