Here are my standards for lube: That it not smell like a sanitary pad or like Nickelodeon Gak That it not taste like perfume That it not contain glycerin or parabens That it not immediately slide off the sex toy I squirt it upon That it not come in a bottle that looks like something my mother would buy if she were furnishing a sex room, whilst thinking to herself, “isn’t that bottle just so fun?!” You would think this would not narrow the field down very much, but it actually does. A lot. And that’s not even taking feel into account, which I’ll readily admit is not my forte. I avoid reviewing lube at all costs because I simply cannot tell . . . read more

It doesn’t taste like beer. At all.1 No, not even a little. [↩]

If you have a stuffed-up nose and malfunctioning taste buds, Intimate Organics Hydra will seem completely perfect. It’s water-based, glycerin free, DEA free, and paraben free. It’s vegan. It has a truly perfect consistency: thin enough to feel effortless, thick enough not to drip off whichever toy I slather it on. It comes in a classy bottle, it works like a dream, and at $16 for 4 ounces, it’s a pretty good deal. With a fully functioning nose and tongue, however, the downfalls of Hydra become clear. The taste is really rancid — like eating perfume. It has a medicinal, fake clean smell to it that reminds my boyfriend of ballpoint pen ink and reminds me of sanitary pads. A . . . read more

Flavored lubes notoriously suffer from too-sweet syndrome — and gross-aftertaste syndrome — which is why I am generally skeptical of them. The Sex Tarts line, however, is called Sex Tarts, promising on its labels to be “tangy.” So I said, “prove it.” There are about a hundred million other Sex Tarts flavors, but I figured it would be best to choose flavors that I normally really like. You know, outside of lube. So I chose four: Green Apple Fizz, Tangy Tangerine, Electric Lemonade, and Peach Pucker. They came to me in 2 oz. flip-top tubes that are brightly-colored and far from discreet. The word “gaudy” comes to mind. Sex Tarts is water-based and a-little-too-proudly “sugar free” — especially since ingredient #2 . . . read more

Kama Sutra Love Liquid is water-based, but the untrained eye and vagina might think it silicone-based. It is insanely thin. So thin that it can ooze off the side of a toy if not quickly put to use. So thin that, on my clit, it doesn’t feel like lube at all — just like a nice slipperiness. The best word to describe the texture is “silky,” a word often used to describe silicone-based lube. Love Liquid is really quite impressive, although I’ll be the first to admit that my experience with lube is limited. It has a very, very, extremely faint citrus smell, and a somewhat synthetic but inoffensive taste. The aftertaste isn’t good, but it isn’t strong either. It . . . read more

[You may be able order this lube on Amazon.] I have only owned one bottle of lube in my life (although I have tested quite a few at sex toy workshops), but I do know this: my dream lube would melt with my body’s lubrication so well that I would forget I was using anything artificial. My first and current lube, Maximus, is too thick and sticky for my tastes, and I often find myself adding water to it. Because of this, Maximus always makes me aware that I’m lubed up. Even worse, the smell of Maximus reminds me of Nickelodeon Gak. Very synthetic. O’My lube is thin, almost perfectly so, and has absolutely no smell. It is water-based. And, as with . . . read more