Oct 112012
 

It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head of whoever “designed” this. Scare quotes forever.

But o, the uses!

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you: the Sexpander can add obtrusive girth and an antennaed protrusion to your penis, your fingers, or your vibrator! Like a growth! Like a fucking fungus! AND SUDDENLY, AT THESE ANGLES, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A SLUG TOO. I don’t even know where to begin in dissecting the copy, but…

The upright portion provides clitoral stimulation and the other side creates vaginal vibration. It enables you to reach a double orgasm, or to practice getting one.

Um, CITATION NEEDED.

In similar news, using the phrase “ensure[s] sensual pleasure” in your sex toy copy does not make it fact, and the word “supple” should not be used when your toy resembles a gastropod. There are rules in this world, Shots Toys. Choose to subvert them at your peril.

The Sexspander comes in blue and… “skin.” This company is all about the choices, guys. Look at them go.

  • Kira

    Just what I’ve always wanted! A slug…in my vagina…riiiigghht.

  • Amelia

    I honestly thought Sexpander was a play on the word salamander and that their idea of a salamander was just ugly. The pictures where it looks like a slug are amazing.

  • Atroquinine

    Motherfucker, that thing is ugly. Also I don’t want any slugs close to my genitals. Brrh.

  • neongrey

    transluscent white-people skin is a horrifying colour

  • That thing is going to give me nightmares.

  • Neurogasm

    THE SEX SLUG: FOR ALL YOUR HIDEOUS ALMOST-ORANGE SLIME BUG FANTASIES. I think the only thing that makes sense about this horror is that the company is called “Shots”, which I presume is short for “Guess how many shots we had before we designed this thing”.

  • A+++++ comment.

  • I’ll have you know that this is now the SECOND vagina-slug reference made on this blog. Good work.

  • smiolo

    who would buy such a thing? and more seriously, who thinks of these contraptions? don’t they realise it’s a waste of time and effort? I guess some people are just delusional… funny review though

  • Note: if this “skin” looks like your own skin, run, don’t walk, to the emergency room. You are probably dying.

  • frankie

    So… I like the idea of making someone’s dick a rabbit vibe. I do not like the idea of attaching a parasitic alien slug to a perfectly good penis.

  • Michele

    WTF?! If Alan ever came into the bedroom wearing *that* thing on his dick, I’d probably pull it none-too-gently off of him and slap him in the head with it. And no, not in a weird kinky foreplay way either!

  • CarlyHo

    That is the most horrifying sex toy I’ve seen.

  • Caleb

    It looks like some some alien parasite. Eugh…

  • Pixel

    As a translucent white person, I assure you that most of us do not look like that. *cringe* This is more a ‘Jersey Shore’ tan layered over someone’s natural see-through-ness.

  • Pixel

    I’m sorry, but your comment (and this toy) made me this of this meme: http://ircimg.net/centipedes-in-my-vagina.jpg

  • Kira

    HA!

  • nuala macmoragh

    Maybe if you had a really tiny, thin penis then you’d be desperate enough to strap a creepy looking gastropod to your dick? At least it claims to be phthalate free. I take it you’re not going to test this one out for us?? *grins*

  • GOD NO

  • This is pretty much one of the worst things ever. Also, points for using “gastropod” on a sex toy site. Fucking amazing.

  • awkwardshrub

    lol you said ‘gastropod’

  • Primal Nymph

    Reminds me of those nights when I’d lay awake, touching myself, thinking about the characters in that DreamWorks movie “Turbo”… Sure, this toy isn’t quite a snail. But I know what’s under those shells. Mmm-hmmmm…. /vast quantities of sarcasm

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