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Um, No: Sexpander

You don’t get to use the word “supple” when your sex toy resembles a gastropod.

SEXPANDER. A vibrator with finger straps and... antennae? It looks like a slug.
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It is no longer good enough for us to have sexcapades, folks — now we must sexpand our sexual horizons with the Shots Toys Sexpander. It’s a scorpion… no, it’s a caterpillar with a beetle attached… no, it’s a bug that scurries across the floor in a cartoon to symbolize an empty room. Empty like the head of whoever “designed” this. Scare quotes forever.

But o, the uses!

Diagrams showing how to use the Sexpander, by strapping it to a penis, a vibrator, or your hand. IT LOOKS LIKE A DAMN SLUG.

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you: the Sexpander can add obtrusive girth and an antennaed protrusion to your penis, your fingers, or your vibrator! Like a growth! Like a fucking fungus! AND SUDDENLY, AT THESE ANGLES, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE A SLUG TOO. I don’t even know where to begin in dissecting the copy, but…

The upright portion provides clitoral stimulation and the other side creates vaginal vibration. It enables you to reach a double orgasm, or to practice getting one.

Um, CITATION NEEDED.

In similar news, using the phrase “ensure[s] sensual pleasure” in your sex toy copy does not make it fact, and the word “supple” should not be used when your toy resembles a gastropod. There are rules in this world, Shots Toys. Choose to subvert them at your peril.

SEXPANDER in "skin" color. which is even creepier.

The Sexpander comes in purple and… “skin.” This company is all about the choices, guys. Look at them go.