Nov 022012

Some people dream of owning several cars or having a swimming pool. I dream of having a sex toy lair.

When I say “sex toy lair,” you are probably picturing a sick dungeon, but that’s not what I mean. I mean a clean, comfortable office space delightfully adorned with dildo wall hangings, a sex toy charging station, and other so-called salacious items.

It’s weird, because my interest in decor usually consists of watching Design Star and going “huh, that looks cool… and like too much work.” But sex toys are my obsession, so I guess that is why this sounds fun to me.

Until recently, my only form of “decor” was my line-up of tiny dildos and mini sex toy doodads, and while the collection is growing (it now contains a Vamp chubby, RodeoH dog tag and Scott Paul Designs acrylic paddle), it’s small and unimposing.

BUT THEN SheVibe sent me a poster of some of their epic art1 and my wheels started spinning. I’ve always dreamed of having a real office, and imagining how I’d write it off on my taxes decorate it has made the thought even more enticing.

While scouring Etsy for ideas, I came across this amazing lube painting from the shop Sassy Girls Say Yes. Knowing it was one-of-a-kind, I just couldn’t wait until I had an actual office. And I’m glad I didn’t wait because it is GLORIOUS.

But a single (very awesome) lube painting just will not do. I must have more. So far, candidates include these embroidered vulvas and a print of this CLITORIS drawing from Melanie Jane.

And obviously I’ll need pussy magnets, a “feminist killjoy” garland, and a vulva lightswitch cover. I may or may not stick the PVC James Deen dildo on the wall for no apparent reason. I was gonna say it could be a coat hanger, but I think it’s way too floppy.

My desk will be adorned with sex things too, for sure. I’d love to have some fists like Searah does, but I’ve heard they stink. I also need some sort of mug or holder for my pens. Anyone have a lead on an ironic Pipedream mug?

I have a lot of stickers — a Pure Wand one, many Tantus, one that says “clitoris is not a dirty word,” and the hilarious KEGEL ones I found at the doctor’s office — that need to be displayed properly, so maybe I’ll finally think of a way to do that.

Instead of inspirational posters, I should decorate my walls with enlarged, framed inspirational tweets. These two come to mind:

I’ll definitely need to come up with a creative way to display some of my weirdest and most epic sex toys, like this horrible thing, the Tentacle, my neon and tie-dye Vixen toys, my Leoweenie, and my Eros & Isis dildo. No doubt, one of them will need to be embraced by a crocheted banana sex toy cozy.

Basically my goal will be to horrify anyone who enters, but horrify them in such a way that they would feel awkward expressing just how horrified they feel — because that would mean articulating a culturally-conditioned, unexamined shame about sex. Oh yes, it will be good. What do you think, peeps? Am I bursting with enough ideas? Anything I missed?

  1. The tube for which doubles as a great cat-chasing implement, according to a 2-year-old who somehow found it while snooping in my apartment []
  • Michael

    Sounds really wonderful! Do it! I love the Saints of Sex Toys painting.

  • Gahhh! I love your decorations — and yes, make the culturally conditioned people uncomfortable; it is a noble effort.

  • Elizabeth

    You missed a painting painted with a vagina. I saw it on regretsy once. Here’s the link to some of the paintings

    You should totally make your own.


  • Sex Toy Review Land

    This sounds like a miniature version of the decor at the center for sexual pleasure and health {}. I think it sounds fabulous. 🙂

  • Ones

    will tours be offered?

  • Daily between 5-8 p.m., as long as I am not jacking off.

  • Ones

    so…no? Ha. I imagine the tour guide saying, ”and here we have the female of the species…looks like she’s found a new toy. Let’s all hush as we pass so as not to disturb her.”.

  • Sugarcunt

    Erika Moen is such an angel… absolutely love the saints.

    And now you’ve got me thinking that I ought to steal one of the rooms of the house so I can have my own little den that I can decorate as I see fit. YOU ARE A LEADER AMONG WOMEN, EPIPHORA.

  • ash

    HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS THE BEST?! i already loved this and then suddenly i appear! <333333

  • I have an idea…

  • I have a collection of antique and vintage books on sex and sexuality. And a blue glittery vulva rock-climbing hold. It sounds like you might need to make a trip to see the Seattle Erotic Art Festival or Detroit’s The Dirty Show. I still wish I could have kept the Chia Vulva (which I dubbed the Chia Cunt for alliterations sake). It was pretty rad. I wonder if I still have a “Stop Faking” sticker around here anywhere…

  • Erika Moen FTW!
    You should totally get a small trophy case for your most messed-up toys, like with dramatic uplighting and everything.
    And I am so jealous of all these tiny dildos floating around, where is everyone getting them?! Ima have to start sculpting my own, which will make me sad and also never be finished.

  • DUDE. The fancy metal lamp thing with dangling kegel balls?! Brilliant.

  • Why can’t I find a giftshop for the Icelandic Phallological Museum? WHY?


  • Oh man, like astronaut ice cream. Astronaut penis….

  • Lube painting…I’m so in love with the lube painting…

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